Jokes

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

You just bake a sweet torte, Mort
Make a new flan, Stan
Sorbet can be soy, Roy
One fudge and you're free

- 50 Ways to Dessert Your Lover

 

[Chas]

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.

He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "is it tickin?

Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef.

 

[Chas]

.

 

[Shayne]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuse me,do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper`s heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he`s on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fluffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don`t weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

 

[Chas]

A young nun came sneaking into the convent well after midnight and was met by the Mother Superior in the kitchen
"And where have you been out this late at night Sister? She asked
" Oh Mother superior i was on my way home and I was raped three times by this big brutish man" the novice replied
Well come into the kitchen and suck on a lemon at once snapped Mother Superior.
Will that stop me getting pregnant the novice asked
No but it will wipe that smug look off your face answered Mother Superior

 

[Chas]

.

 

[Chas]

A Catholic priest was trying to find a quiet spot for his morning fondle.
He found a nice comfy spot and began.
No sooner than he had started he saw the flash of a camera through the window, fuck he thought, some bastard has caught we wanking.
So he quickly pulled his pants up and ran outside, he saw a tourist running away, but the priest was faster and desperate and eventually caught the tourist
He offered to buy the camera from the tourist.
How much said the priest, the tourist told him $3000, as he knew the priest would not want the picture to get out. you bastard said the priest, but he paid it.
Anyway back in the church mother superior was strolling past and noticed the new camera.
Oh wow is that a new camera said mother superior, yes said the priest, how much was that she asked, it was $3000 replied the priest.
.
.
.
.

$3000 for a camera said mother superior, someone saw you coming.

 

[clivehorridge]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuse me,do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper`s heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he`s on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fluffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don`t weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

I saw a strange looking cat in the pet shop window.
Next to it, a sign read, ‘Rare cross breed cat. Imported from Holland.’
Obviously I had to get more information before I’d consider buying it, so I went inside and asked the manager.
“How Dutch is that moggie in the window..?”….

 

[Chas]

I saw a strange looking cat in the pet shop window.
Next to it, a sign read, ‘Rare cross breed cat. Imported from Holland.’
Obviously I had to get more information before I’d consider buying it, so I went inside and asked the manager.
“How Dutch is that moggie in the window..?”….

Groan.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Me: "Salted caramel ice cream please, I brought my own cone."[places it on counter]

Employee: "That's a traffic cone"

Me: "You must be new here."

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

BREAKING NEWS!
Storm Ciara has blown the roof off our local cheese factory...

There's de brie everywhere.

 

[Chas]

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying,
"I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork...
Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi asked the priest. He asked,
"Your religion, too...I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you’re going to ask.
I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while.
Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said,
"Better than pork, isn’t it!!

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come a clearing and see an abandoned well.
Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?'
O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.
Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.
Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?' Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three'
SPLASH!!!!
Murphy said, 'Three seconds!'
O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!'
'288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'.
As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.
Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'
And the farmer says, 'Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.'

 

[Chas]

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s £50. He says, “ £50 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside.
“See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great.
It’s a week before he’s horny again.So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says it’s £100. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.”So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month.
Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back.He finds her in the bar.
Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?”
“Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I could buy this town!!

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s £50. He says, “ £50 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside.
“See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great.
It’s a week before he’s horny again.So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says it’s £100. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.”So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month.
Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back.He finds her in the bar.
Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?”
“Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I could buy this town!!

Me: Can I get the breakfast?

Waiter: Which one?

Me: Full English, please.

Waiter: Which one doth thou desire, my Lord?

 

[Chas]

A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!

The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from that school & even moved to another town!!!!!

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardiac disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the life support to use his Hoover !!!!!

Don't tell me you thought that Arthur had became a feckin' doctor!

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy in the city of Edinburgh.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna. He unfolds the bandanna to reveal a smaller square silk handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom!
The condom has a number of rubber repair patches adhering to it.
The chemist holds the condom up to the light and eyes it critically.
With a straight and serious face the soldier asks the chemist, "How much to repair it?"
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?" asks the soldier.
"Ten pence" says the Chemist.
The Scottish Soldier painstakingly folds the condom into the small square silk handkerchief and the cotton bandanna and replaces it carefully in his sporran. He smartly turns and marches out of the door,shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great roar of cheering male voices go up outside.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy and addresses the Chemist, but this time he has a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says, "we'll have a new one."

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

"I keep eating my feather pillow in my sleep. It's really starting to depress me."
"Down in the dumps?"
"I dunno. I haven't been yet".

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

How do you tell the sex of an ant ?

Drop it in water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant.

If it floats .......