Jokes

[Chas]

 

[Chas]

.My hamster died today.......silly bastard fell asleep at the wheel!!

 

[Chas]

I didn't bother to renew my television licence this year.

I only ever watch repeats so I just photocopied the old one.

 

[Chas]

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
He persisted in warning people but no one would listen.
In the end, they threw him out of the cinema.

 

[Chas]

A Foreign bloke asked me "What do you call these really annoying black and yellow creatures that sting people?"
I replied,"They're called Traffic Wardens."

 

[Chas]

I made a phone call to a rubbish removal company . Asked if I could have a skip outside my house .
He told me I could do the waltz for all he cared .

 

[Chas]

I went to a general store but they wouldn't sell me anything specific.

 

[notsodusty]

 

[Chas]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop, but she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She confided in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large].
The word condom wont even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one there"....!

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................He's the window cleaner"

 

[Chas]

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, one Christmas he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After about a year of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after a year out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!" "Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More 'n’ likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"



"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

I posted this and I still laugh every time I read it.

 

[Chas]

I hear that the USA will be arming teachers, does that mean librarians will have to use silencers.

 

[Chas]

I am selling my Dogging Equipment on Ebay,,,, No Buyers yet, But 25 People Watching. lol.

 

[Chas]

After 10 attempts my wife finally passed her driving test. I asked her what she'd like as a congratulations present, she said just something cheap to run around in, so I bought her a pair of trainers from Lidl.

 

[Chas]

I had a pub Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

 

[Chas]

I cycled to the Off-licence, Monday afternoon...and bought a bottle of Scotch and a few cans and put them in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.
Just as well I did because I fell off my bicycle several times on the way home!

 

[Chas]

A Christmas Story

The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph, Mary, and their newborn son.

The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. After a few minutes he came running outside and shouted:

'I have seen him, the son of our lord!'

The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside shouting:

'I have seen the babe, our savior is born!'

The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger: 'BOOOM', he hit his head on a rafter and shouted 'Jesus Christ'.

Mary looked up and said,

'Hey, ... that sounds a lot better than Brian.'

 

[notsodusty]

 

[Chas]

JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.
I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.

 

[clivehorridge]

JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.
I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.

Oh Chas, that conjours up a mental image I just can’t unsee

 

[Chas]

A cold winter's day in the wild west and a cowboy rode into town and stopped for a drink.
He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse on the backside.
Repulsed, a passing woman asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do that?"
To which the cowboy replied, "Cos I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better?"...
"Nope, but it sure stops me from lickin 'em!"