BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers.
>
So I did....
>
She's 22 and her name's Lucy !
)
>
> * *
> * *
> My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
group The Monkees.
>
I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face !
>
> * *
> * *
>
> Bob the builder was out on the pull and sidles up to a girl in a disco and
says:
>
"Come back with me and we'll be at it all night. I'm blessed with a good 8
inches."
>
The girl, who had been supping some ale by then thought why not and agreed
to go back with Bob.
The following morning, she says to Bob:
>
"What happened to the allnight session?
"You only lasted 3 minutes before you fell asleep and those 8 inches you
promised turned out to be only 5 inches at best."
>
Bob replied: "Love, I'm a bloody builder, it was only an estimate!!"
>
> * * * *
>
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
The locals were shouting 'paedo' and other names at me just because my
girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
>
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary !!
> * *
> * *
> Wayne Rooney has had a hair transplant.
> That's a bit like putting a thatched roof on a shithouse......
>
> It might keep the flies off but ultimately there is still a large turd
underneath!
>
> * * * *
>
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple
of Swan Vesta's.....
>
> His little face lit up when he tried to walk.))
> * *
> * *
> As I sat naked on the edge of the bed sobbing, my wife consoled me.
>
> "Hey, chin up, I'm sure it happens to lots of guys"> she sympathised. "Is
there anyone we can call?"
>
> "No!" I wailed,
> "They'll say the usual 'try again later' or 'try something different,' I'm
a failure."
>
"Hey" she whispered, "You never fail me, I love you no matter what. We'll
get there in the end."
>
> "Promise?" I sniffed.
>
> "I promise."
>
> She smiled and stood up; "Now, come on, forget the Guinness book of
Records, let's get those 27 Smarties out from under
> your foreskin.")
>
> * * * *
>
> I was trying to chat up a woman in a noisy club and I shouted to her:
> "So, what films do you like?"
>
> "Porn films." she replied.
>
> "Really! That's > unusual for a woman," I said, really chuffed.
>
> "I'll tell you something, I'm obsessed! I wank non-stop to them, I must
have seen hundreds."
>
> She said: "I think you'll find they only made three, but
> you're right, that Matt Damon is drop-dead gorgeous!"
>
> *
> * * *
>
> My wife, my daughter, my son, my mother, my
> father, my mother-in-law and my father-in-law have all left me due to
> my obsession with Bingo.
>
I'm glad they did anyway. It was a full house !!
>
>
> * * * *
Carlsberg, I'm hearing a lot of "Ifs" but seeing very little in the way of
actual progress.
> I always thought "Tweets" were what Jonathan Ross gave his dog.
> *
> * * *
>
> My school has become an academy, it's sponsored by IKEA.
>
> Lessons are ok, but morning assembly takes ages !
>
>
So I did....
>
She's 22 and her name's Lucy !
)>
> * *
> * *
> My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
group The Monkees.
>
I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face !
>
> * *
> * *
>
> Bob the builder was out on the pull and sidles up to a girl in a disco and
says:
>
"Come back with me and we'll be at it all night. I'm blessed with a good 8
inches."
>
The girl, who had been supping some ale by then thought why not and agreed
to go back with Bob.
The following morning, she says to Bob:
>
"What happened to the allnight session?
"You only lasted 3 minutes before you fell asleep and those 8 inches you
promised turned out to be only 5 inches at best."
>
Bob replied: "Love, I'm a bloody builder, it was only an estimate!!"
>
> * * * *
>
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
The locals were shouting 'paedo' and other names at me just because my
girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
>
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary !!
> * *
> * *
> Wayne Rooney has had a hair transplant.
> That's a bit like putting a thatched roof on a shithouse......
>
> It might keep the flies off but ultimately there is still a large turd
underneath!
>
> * * * *
>
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple
of Swan Vesta's.....
>
> His little face lit up when he tried to walk.
))> * *
> * *
> As I sat naked on the edge of the bed sobbing, my wife consoled me.
>
> "Hey, chin up, I'm sure it happens to lots of guys"> she sympathised. "Is
there anyone we can call?"
>
> "No!" I wailed,
> "They'll say the usual 'try again later' or 'try something different,' I'm
a failure."
>
"Hey" she whispered, "You never fail me, I love you no matter what. We'll
get there in the end."
>
> "Promise?" I sniffed.
>
> "I promise."
>
> She smiled and stood up; "Now, come on, forget the Guinness book of
Records, let's get those 27 Smarties out from under
> your foreskin."
)>
> * * * *
>
> I was trying to chat up a woman in a noisy club and I shouted to her:
> "So, what films do you like?"
>
> "Porn films." she replied.
>
> "Really! That's > unusual for a woman," I said, really chuffed.
>
> "I'll tell you something, I'm obsessed! I wank non-stop to them, I must
have seen hundreds."
>
> She said: "I think you'll find they only made three, but
> you're right, that Matt Damon is drop-dead gorgeous!"
>
> *
> * * *
>
> My wife, my daughter, my son, my mother, my
> father, my mother-in-law and my father-in-law have all left me due to
> my obsession with Bingo.
>
I'm glad they did anyway. It was a full house !!
>
>
> * * * *
Carlsberg, I'm hearing a lot of "Ifs" but seeing very little in the way of
actual progress.
> I always thought "Tweets" were what Jonathan Ross gave his dog.
> *
> * * *
>
> My school has become an academy, it's sponsored by IKEA.
>
> Lessons are ok, but morning assembly takes ages !
>
Pity...
