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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Annamarie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 713
Two men golfing
Two men are golfing when they get finished with their hole and go to the next they wait for the two women in front of them. The women are taking soo long that one of the men decide to go ask what is taking so long. The man gets half way to the women turns around and comes back. The other man asks why did you come back the man replys...that is my wife and my mistress. So the men wait a little longer and get tired so the other man says he is going to go see what is taking so long. The man gets half way there turns around and comes back. The other man asks why did you come back. The man replys small world!! HAHAHA
Two men are golfing when they get finished with their hole and go to the next they wait for the two women in front of them. The women are taking soo long that one of the men decide to go ask what is taking so long. The man gets half way to the women turns around and comes back. The other man asks why did you come back the man replys...that is my wife and my mistress. So the men wait a little longer and get tired so the other man says he is going to go see what is taking so long. The man gets half way there turns around and comes back. The other man asks why did you come back. The man replys small world!! HAHAHA
Annamarie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 713
little emily
One day little jhonny bet little emily three cookies if she would climb the tree.Little emily climbed the tree and took the three cookies from jhonny.Little emily ran home to her mother and said,"mommy,mommy!jhonny gave me three cookies to climb a tree!"the mother replyed,"no dear,jhonny was just trying to look at your panties."emily nodded and left the room.The next day little jhonny bet emily three cookies to climb the tree again.Little emily climbed the tree and took her cookies.She ran home to her mother."mommy,mommy!jhonny gave me three cookies to climb the tree!" "no dear,he was only trying to look at your panties!.emily nodded and left the room.The next morning jhonny bet emily three cookies to climb a tree.Little emily climbed the tree and took her three cookies and ran home to her mother."mommy,mommy!jhonny gave me three cookies to climb the tree! NO SWEETIE I TOLD YOU THREE TIMES ALREADY THAT HE WAS TRYING TO LOOK AT YOUR PANTIES!" "BUT MOMMY THIS TIME I DIDNT WEAR ANY PANYIES!
One day little jhonny bet little emily three cookies if she would climb the tree.Little emily climbed the tree and took the three cookies from jhonny.Little emily ran home to her mother and said,"mommy,mommy!jhonny gave me three cookies to climb a tree!"the mother replyed,"no dear,jhonny was just trying to look at your panties."emily nodded and left the room.The next day little jhonny bet emily three cookies to climb the tree again.Little emily climbed the tree and took her cookies.She ran home to her mother."mommy,mommy!jhonny gave me three cookies to climb the tree!" "no dear,he was only trying to look at your panties!.emily nodded and left the room.The next morning jhonny bet emily three cookies to climb a tree.Little emily climbed the tree and took her three cookies and ran home to her mother."mommy,mommy!jhonny gave me three cookies to climb the tree! NO SWEETIE I TOLD YOU THREE TIMES ALREADY THAT HE WAS TRYING TO LOOK AT YOUR PANTIES!" "BUT MOMMY THIS TIME I DIDNT WEAR ANY PANYIES!
From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people gathered near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the car. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into a glaringly public display of fine anatomy. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. on regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself starring at her husband, who was standing idly by watching.
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people gathered near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the car. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into a glaringly public display of fine anatomy. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. on regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself starring at her husband, who was standing idly by watching.
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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Chas
Well-Known Member
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to p** in the boat."
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Sound Thinking
I'm proud, but I'll have to up my personal intake
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received a £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to p** in the boat."
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Sound Thinking
I'm proud, but I'll have to up my personal intake
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received a £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?
Chas
Well-Known Member
THE RIOTERS PRAYER:
Our father, who art in prison,
my mum knows not thy name,
thy Riots come, read it in the sun,
in Birmingham, as it is in London,
give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting,
as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us,
lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing,
for thine is the telly, the Burberry & the Barcardi,
forever and ever
...Init
Our father, who art in prison,
my mum knows not thy name,
thy Riots come, read it in the sun,
in Birmingham, as it is in London,
give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting,
as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us,
lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing,
for thine is the telly, the Burberry & the Barcardi,
forever and ever
...Init
Red Oktober
Well-Known Member
Looted from elsewhere ....
TEXTING for Seniors
The kids have all their little SMS codes... like BFF, TTYL, LOL etc. So here are some codes for the seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Texting?
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin In
TEXTING for Seniors
The kids have all their little SMS codes... like BFF, TTYL, LOL etc. So here are some codes for the seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Texting?
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin In
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2010
- Messages
- 6,131
- Country Flag
Selling False Teeth at Corner Bree and Rissik Street, down town Johannesburg.
A pair costs only 20 Rand.
Used ones are available at only half the price 10 Rand,
You have to test each pair until you find a pair that fits you perfectly!
p.s. The used ones are collected from Funeral Undertakers around Jo'burg.
(We are proudly South African; we use South African Undertakers only)
A pair costs only 20 Rand.
Used ones are available at only half the price 10 Rand,
You have to test each pair until you find a pair that fits you perfectly!
p.s. The used ones are collected from Funeral Undertakers around Jo'burg.
(We are proudly South African; we use South African Undertakers only)
Chas
Well-Known Member
My Kind of Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said, “NO !!!”
and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and had endless sex with long-legged girls with big tits and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to lap dancing clubs and dated women half his age
and drank loads of whisky and beer and never heard any bitching from a nagging wife and never paid child support
and kept his own house and ate spam and chips and beans and blew enormous farts
and never got cheated on while he was at work
and all his friends and family thought he was bloody cool as hell
and he had plenty of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up !!
........ the end.
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said, “NO !!!”
and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and had endless sex with long-legged girls with big tits and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to lap dancing clubs and dated women half his age
and drank loads of whisky and beer and never heard any bitching from a nagging wife and never paid child support
and kept his own house and ate spam and chips and beans and blew enormous farts
and never got cheated on while he was at work
and all his friends and family thought he was bloody cool as hell
and he had plenty of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up !!
........ the end.
Chas
Well-Known Member
Why men wear earrings?
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'
The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'
'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, 'he replies sheepishly
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'
'Ever since my wife found it in my car.'
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'
The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'
'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, 'he replies sheepishly
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'
'Ever since my wife found it in my car.'
Red Oktober
Well-Known Member
Like that one Chas .. very good
i shamelessly looted this from another site
Here are some topical, but not very politically correct, gags....
R.I.O.T.S = Real Idiots On The Streets
* * * *
I got caught up in the middle of the riots last night so I had to hide in the only place the blighters wouldn't find me.
The Job Centre
* * * *
The London Metropolitan Police brace themselves for a fourth day of rioting as David Cameron deploys 10,000 more officers to stop the riots.
More looting and arson attacks are to be expected as violence breaks out across London.
In other news, Liverpool police prepare themselves for another day at the office.
* * * *
I thought Rise of the Planet of the Apes was just a movie. I didn't realise it was a prophecy.
* * * *
It turns up the riots were started by a misunderstanding.
Just because a shop window says everything must go, doesn't mean you don’t have to pay for it.
* * * *
Apple are designing three new products for the London youth market:
iSmash, iGrab and iRun.
* * * *
David Cameron says these are scenes of nothing other than 'theiving and criminality.'
I didn't think anyone watched the Parliament Channel.
* * * *
Have Glasgow Rangers lost a cup final down in London or something...
* * * *
Am I the only one missing something?
If the riots are about social deprivation why do they all have Blackberrys?
* * * *
Time to log onto eBay.
There’ll be some good deals going on offer over the next few days….
* * * *
With all these people roaming the streets of London in tracksuits, I thought the Olympics had started early…
* * * *
Tottenham Hotspur have a new striker.
Winston Grabatelli.
* * * *
BBC News: High Street sales rose in July.
Can't wait to see August's figures.
i shamelessly looted this from another site
Here are some topical, but not very politically correct, gags....
R.I.O.T.S = Real Idiots On The Streets
* * * *
I got caught up in the middle of the riots last night so I had to hide in the only place the blighters wouldn't find me.
The Job Centre
* * * *
The London Metropolitan Police brace themselves for a fourth day of rioting as David Cameron deploys 10,000 more officers to stop the riots.
More looting and arson attacks are to be expected as violence breaks out across London.
In other news, Liverpool police prepare themselves for another day at the office.
* * * *
I thought Rise of the Planet of the Apes was just a movie. I didn't realise it was a prophecy.
* * * *
It turns up the riots were started by a misunderstanding.
Just because a shop window says everything must go, doesn't mean you don’t have to pay for it.
* * * *
Apple are designing three new products for the London youth market:
iSmash, iGrab and iRun.
* * * *
David Cameron says these are scenes of nothing other than 'theiving and criminality.'
I didn't think anyone watched the Parliament Channel.
* * * *
Have Glasgow Rangers lost a cup final down in London or something...
* * * *
Am I the only one missing something?
If the riots are about social deprivation why do they all have Blackberrys?
* * * *
Time to log onto eBay.
There’ll be some good deals going on offer over the next few days….
* * * *
With all these people roaming the streets of London in tracksuits, I thought the Olympics had started early…
* * * *
Tottenham Hotspur have a new striker.
Winston Grabatelli.
* * * *
BBC News: High Street sales rose in July.
Can't wait to see August's figures.
Chas
Well-Known Member
So X rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name. Surely this will confuse the Yanks when they are shopping for clothing on line!
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
I was watching a doctor speaking on TV this morning, he said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around the house to see things I’d started but hadn’t finished and, before leaving for my walk this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileeys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiumunum scriptins, the res of the chesecke an a box a choclets.
Yu haf no idr how aslutely fablus I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to demy u fee ar in ned ov iennr peas.
hic!!
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
I was watching a doctor speaking on TV this morning, he said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around the house to see things I’d started but hadn’t finished and, before leaving for my walk this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileeys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiumunum scriptins, the res of the chesecke an a box a choclets.
Yu haf no idr how aslutely fablus I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to demy u fee ar in ned ov iennr peas.
hic!!
