Jokes

[Chas]

 

[Chas]

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am.

The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night...

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The Man, "That would be my wife"

 

[Pat]

For all those sheep lovers

 

[Chas]

I've just realised that Land Rover owners don't need a GPS, they find there way home by following the trail of oil drips.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you'r in B&Q"

 

[Chas]

When my wife left I was sad, upset and lonely.


Since then I've got a dog, bought a motorbike, sexed two women and blown a grand on drink and drugs.




She is going to go mental when she gets home fromwork.

 

[Pat]

This is girls!

 

[Pat]

Aussie blonde


----- Original Message ----- From: Rob McIntyre
To: Barry Millage ; bj & Bruce ; Pat Delich ; Gaye ; Jim ; Ron Robb
Sent: Wednesday, April 29, 2015 8:33 AM
Subject: Fwd: Waltzing Matilda








Begin forwarded message:

From: Graeme Duff <[email protected]>
Date: 29 April 2015 8:17:14 am NZST
To: David Bridgman <[email protected]>, Rob McIntyre <[email protected]>, Bruce & Pat Browne <[email protected]>, grahamjenny <[email protected]>, John Berger <[email protected]>, Barry & Shirley Nicol <[email protected]>
Subject: FW: Waltzing Matilda​

---

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]
Subject: Fw: FW: Waltzing Matilda
Date: Tue, 28 Apr 2015 09:16:25 +1200


----- Original Message ----- From: Pam
To: allan & patty Knutsen ; betty Bennett ; Bev and Richard ; Advanced Corrosion Treatments ; jennywayne ; Jo Pearson ; Ron Todd ; Sharon
Sent: Thursday, April 23, 2015 10:06 AM
Subject: FW: FW: Waltzing Matilda

A Blonde goes to Heaven. An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. " I'm sorry, St Peter said; " But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals." "That's cool" said the Blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of ?" " Just three questions" said St Peter. " Which are?" asked the Blonde. " The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" The second is " How many seconds are there in a year ?" The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" " Now," said St Peter, " Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me." So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought ( I expect you- the reader to do the same ). The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, " I have." 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. " Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions" St Peter went on, " how many seconds in a year ?" The Blonde replied, " Twelve !" " Only twelve" exclaimed St Peter, " How did you arrive at that figure ?" " Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds." St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, " I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision & the context in which it was given." And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. " I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda ?" The blonde replied: " Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer." " Really !" exclaimed St Peter, " And what is the answer ?" " It's Andy." " Andy ??" " Yes, Andy," said the Blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer ?" " Easy " said the Blonde, " Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled." And the Blonde entered Heaven...and ............ you're singing it now, aren't you ??? .......

​

 

[GeekOKent]

Roof Tent... https://m.flickr.com/#/photos/ratha/2935559931/

 

[Bungarra]

Curly went hunting one day up in The Northern Territory' and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the back of his Ute and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a surly Territory game warden who didn't like smart alecs.
The warden ordered Curly to show his hunting license, so Curly pulled out a valid Northern Territory license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its bum and said, "This duck ain't from The Territory this is a Queensland duck.
You got a Queensland huntin' license?"
Curly reached into his wallet and produced a Queensland license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bum, and said "This ain't a Queensland duck. This duck's from West Australia, you got a West Australian license?"
Curly reached into his wallet and produced A West Australian hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its bum, and said, "This ain't a Western Australian duck, this duck's from South Australia, you got a South Australian Huntin license?" Curly reached into his wallet, and brought out a South Australian license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Curly "just where the hell are you from?"
Curly smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,
"You tell me, you're the expert..."

 

[Blown80]

 

[Pat]

Leading candidates for parent of the year:-vote now

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A wife's guide to investment

The solicitor says to the wealthy "art collector" business tycoon: “I
have some good news and, I have some bad news….”

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news
first?"

The solicitor says: “Well your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures this
week that she thinks are worth a minimum of £2 to £3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed!
You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The solicitor replies:






“The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

 

[Blown80]

Two blokes having a chat, a patrol driver and a cruiser driver,
Cruiser driver: "When i get home, ill have a couple of beers then massage the missus feet, see if i get lucky"
Patrol driver: "When i get home i'm going to rip the missus knickers straight off"
Cruiser driver: "Whats the rush"?
Patrol driver: "The elastic is digging into my legs"




Apologies in advance if repeated.

 

[Julian T]

Very good, not sure about the implication but very good

 

[chadr]

NHS Cuts

The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals for the National Health Service.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Whitehall.

 

[Pat]

The EU has decided with immediate effect that all Euro notes will be printed on Greece proof paper.

 

[Blown80]

"Several days ago as I left the sale barn in Navasota to walk out to my pickup and was reaching into my jeans pocket from my truck keys.....got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down - other jeans pockets, shirt pocket - not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into the sale barn. I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting - nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys - nope. Then it hit me - I must have left them in the truck. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside the sale barn..
My wife, Verna Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the pickup will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of the sale barn and out into the parking lot,, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty - no pickup.
I immediately call the highway patrol. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the truck, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the truck, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Verna Faye's voice.
"Cooter," she barked, "I dropped you off at the sale barn on my way to the grocery store!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"
Verna Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these *&%$&#$ highway patrolmen I have not stolen your *^%$^&%$$ truck!"

 

[Chas]

"Several days ago as I left the sale barn in Navasota to walk out to my pickup and was reaching into my jeans pocket from my truck keys.....got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down - other jeans pockets, shirt pocket - not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into the sale barn. I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting - nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys - nope. Then it hit me - I must have left them in the truck. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside the sale barn..
My wife, Verna Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the pickup will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of the sale barn and out into the parking lot,, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty - no pickup.
I immediately call the highway patrol. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the truck, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the truck, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Verna Faye's voice.
"Cooter," she barked, "I dropped you off at the sale barn on my way to the grocery store!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"
Verna Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these *&%$&#$ highway patrolmen I have not stolen your *^%$^&%$$ truck!"

Hahaha, I shouldn't laugh it happened to me once but I called the wife before the police.

 

[MarkW]

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Totally-U...E-/291519615521?&_trksid=p2056016.m2516.l5255