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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Ian Chuter
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I'm sorry Mark but I have to ask.............. What the HELL were you looking for when you found THAT???
Exhibitionist vehicles maybe...
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C'mon chaps let's get this thread back on track.
A blonde secretary just texted me saying, "What does IDK stand for?"
I texted back saying, "I don't know" and she replied, "OMG, no-one does!"
________________________________________________________________
While digging a hole in the garden yesterday, I found a box full of gold coins.
I couldn't hold back my excitement, and I ran indoors to tell the wife...
And then I remembered why I was digging the hole.
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Look on the bright side, selfie sticks make good lightning rods.
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question ... It's probably a bird.
_____________________________________________________________________
A blonde secretary just texted me saying, "What does IDK stand for?"
I texted back saying, "I don't know" and she replied, "OMG, no-one does!"
________________________________________________________________
While digging a hole in the garden yesterday, I found a box full of gold coins.
I couldn't hold back my excitement, and I ran indoors to tell the wife...
And then I remembered why I was digging the hole.
_________________________________________________________________
Look on the bright side, selfie sticks make good lightning rods.
______________________________________________________
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question ... It's probably a bird.
_____________________________________________________________________
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Ethel and Margaret at the Funeral
| LORD, THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ... Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later. Judy remarried again, and this time she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied: I think he means her legs, Ethel!" |
Newton Chambers Koehring
[emoji39]
[emoji39]
Ok, I googled it…[emoji37]
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Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
"Ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
"Ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
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What did the octogenarian pirate say on his birthday???
"AYE. MATEY"
I'm so, so sorry for that
"AYE. MATEY"
I'm so, so sorry for that
Balloontyres
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cool lol haha
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took me all day to get that!
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have got out today."
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have got out today."
