Jokes

[Chas]

Mick is passing by Paddy's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Paddy doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right wheel well fender, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

“What on earth are you doing Paddy”? says Mick

“Jeez Mick, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me” says an obviously embarrassed Paddy, “but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor”

 

[Dave Docwra]

O Dear...

 

[Annamarie]

heard that one before

 

[Red Oktober]

One of my mates just sent this over Msn ....


Man gets pissed in a bar, trys to leave and falls over! Tries to walk home and falls over. Tries to open the door and falls over. Tries to get in bed and falls over. Next morning his wife says you were pissed last night! How do you know he said? Wife answers the pub rang, you left ya f*****g wheelchair there you t**t

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

heard that one before

So have I, but not on this 'Jokes' thread.

 

[Chas]

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"But you have so much to live for, you're still young and beautiful" said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
A week later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
.
.
.
.
.
.

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry

 

[Red Oktober]

 

[Chas]

Oh, to Be 6 Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the ScreamingRoller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you RETARD!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.

 

[Chas]

Miss Airport 2011 Calendar

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

We had a prowler stealing things from clothes line in our area, my wife had a pair of knickers stolen, she's not too worried about the knickers but she wants the twenty clothes pegs returned.

 

[Chas]

A local dignitary was being shown around a hospital and was taken into a ward when a patient came up to him and said
“Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin'-race”

Then a second one said
“For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne”,

then a third said
“Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie"

The dignitary asked “Is this a mental ward?”

and was told “Oh no, it’s the Burns unit”

 

[Gav Peter]

A guy visits a zoo and buys a bag of peanuts to feed the animals. He throws a peanut to a monkey. The monkey sticks the peanut up his ass and then eats it. Surprised, the man throws the monkey another peanut. Again, the monkey sticks the peanut up his ass before eating it.

The guy finds a zoo keeper and tells him there's something wrong with one of the monkeys, describing its actions. The zoo keeper replies, "There's nothing to worry about. He's perfectly okay. You see, last week some woman gave him a large peach. He had so much trouble passing the stone, now he measures everything first."

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

 

[Annamarie]

that can't be for real

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

Some Fine Irishness:


Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."





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Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in hell d’yis t’ink yer doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....





********************






The Irish have solved their fuel problems. They’ve imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.





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Paddy says to Mick, “Jeez, I’m ready for me holiday … but this year I’m going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain - and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant.”

Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”

Paddy replies, “Oi think Oi'll take her wid me!”





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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" ...

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."





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Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We’ll lie and say we only found two."





********************






Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

 

[Annamarie]

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

SEX STARVED



A new Army Lieutenant was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert ..

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous Sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Lieutenant said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Lieutenant starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Lieutenant stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

 

[Annamarie]