Jokes

[Chas]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion,
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.




I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

[Graham]

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit. The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said.



"Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a fu@*ing thing!"

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Martha Jones. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilized or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Martha Jones, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilized or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Jones conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs. Martha Jones in room 2b. Nobody tells you bugger all in here

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Paul]

 

[Chas]

Three mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when a Grandpa walked by.
And one of the Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! just drop your trousers and pants and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his trousers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
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A guy walks into a pub in the middle of Wales and orders a dry white wine.
All the locals sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful fairy from London with tattoo's and an ear ring.
The barman says, "You’re not from 'round yerr, are you?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Surrey."
The barman says, "And what do you doo in Surreey?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The barman says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? D’you drive a taxi?"
The guy says, "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. It means I mount animals."
The barman grins and shouts, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!!

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Stuff that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C," he said. "What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

Tampax announced about three weeks ago that they would be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.
This would be for the Christmas period only.

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board.
Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got in big trouble - apparently they were Allied Carpets!

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought what a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?

The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Graham]

I'd like to buy some cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said:

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied: "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said: "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[Graham]

IS THIS YOU ???

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target..

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Graham

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with paying for malpractice insurance and paperwork involved in his job and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a car mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor.
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result," the gynaecologist said, "but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

"During the exam," the instructor said, "you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a slight pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, and I have never seen that done before."

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Graham]

What would we do Without Paddy

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "You haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
Avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

 

[Red Oktober]

Re: What would we do Without Paddy

 

[Annamarie]

Re: What would we do Without Paddy

 

[J66P]

Money Talks

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you £100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister £100 in cash and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the vicor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the vicor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the £100 back into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Red Oktober]

borrowed from another site


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"


The Old Indian answered, " It's an old Indian Name. It means...






NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG !