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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Karlos in a Cruiser
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- Nov 18, 2017
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Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and when his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
notsodusty
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Brian S
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- Aug 15, 2015
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Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – “Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'
"I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you ......”
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – “Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'
"I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you ......”
Brian S
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- Aug 15, 2015
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- 1,818
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Dashing Through The Snow
*********************************
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.
This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EU legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R. Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages.
It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Merry Christmas,
The Risk Management Team
*********************************
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.
This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EU legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R. Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages.
It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Merry Christmas,
The Risk Management Team
PS, Christmas has been cancelled henceforth on grounds of religious neutrality and anonymity in pursuance of the International Racial Harmony Initiative known affectionately as IRACONALE.
Pat
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Brian S
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A man was riding on a full bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid, make up your mind, I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Brian S
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Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of mother's milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child..
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground that the cat can't get it. .....He got an A..
1) It is perfect formula for the child..
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground that the cat can't get it. .....He got an A..
Airport Control Chat
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for clearance in Munich, overheard this Lufthansa flight calling the control tower (In German) “Ground what is our start clearance time”
Ground (In English) “If you want an answer you must speak in English”
Lufthansa (In English) “I am a German, flying a German aircraft, in Germany, why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (In a beautiful British accent) “Because you lost the bloody war”
"
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for clearance in Munich, overheard this Lufthansa flight calling the control tower (In German) “Ground what is our start clearance time”
Ground (In English) “If you want an answer you must speak in English”
Lufthansa (In English) “I am a German, flying a German aircraft, in Germany, why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (In a beautiful British accent) “Because you lost the bloody war”
"
Last edited:
Qantas Maintenance Reports
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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William Tell talking to his son,
"Do you know anyone who's good at shooting arrows son?"
"Not off the top of my head Dad".
"Do you know anyone who's good at shooting arrows son?"
"Not off the top of my head Dad".
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike.
They break down and try to hitch a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls, but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
He realises that he is late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. The scousers ask the driver if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the traffic police pull him up for speeding.
The officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs".
The copper obviously doesn't believe this so demands to take a look.
He opens the back door and then quickly shuts and locks it.
He rushes back to his car and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers. "I've got a lorry with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - two have already hatched and the Scallies have already managed to nick a bike".
They break down and try to hitch a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls, but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
He realises that he is late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. The scousers ask the driver if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the traffic police pull him up for speeding.
The officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs".
The copper obviously doesn't believe this so demands to take a look.
He opens the back door and then quickly shuts and locks it.
He rushes back to his car and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers. "I've got a lorry with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - two have already hatched and the Scallies have already managed to nick a bike".
