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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
A refuse collector in Cairns , Australia , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look
about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro prease!" says the Chinese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me.
Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look
about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro prease!" says the Chinese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me.
Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
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Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
A guy goes hunting, trips and falls and his gun goes off.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
What goes:
Clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop ...
An Amish drive-by shooting ....
Clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop ...
An Amish drive-by shooting ....
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
Don't Mess With Me !
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'
Tommo&Claire
Well-Known Member
I actually know a Chief Seaman Specialist who lost both testicles in an accident on one of the Troop Ships. He had to have a Testosterone injection at the start of every month, you could always tell because he was like a little Tasmanian Devil till about the 22nd when it was wearing off, and he went around giving everyone hugs!!
Andrew Prince
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2010
- Messages
- 2,232
Did his job title get changed to Chief Specialist after that?Tommo&Claire said:
More seriously, what kind of accident did he have? Sounds like one to avoid!
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On anyland !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On anyland !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with
nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for
everyone to see!' he exclaimed .
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with
nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for
everyone to see!' he exclaimed .
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.
Tommo&Claire
Well-Known Member
Andrew Prince said:
He was straddling a wire cable on the boat deck when it failed, the recoil essentially castrated him on the spot and he very nearly bled out.. nasty.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2010
- Messages
- 6,131
- Country Flag
A Boer and an Englishman were good friends who often visited each
other on the Boer's farm.
One day the Englishman brought his English Rose,17 year-old daughter with him for a weekend visit.
The Boer's 18 year-old son was delighted and asked her out to the
local dance in the town being held that Saturday night. She accepted and
the two of them left in the Boer's son's bakkie.
The Boer and the Englishman visited over a bottle of brandy as
usual and talked for most of the evening. Around midnight they watched
the access road for signs of the returning youngsters.
When 1 a.m. arrived and the teenagers did not, the Englishman took
to pacing the stoep outside the farmhouse.
By 4 a.m. the Boer had joined him. Speechlessly, they paced and observed the access road.
At around 6 a.m. the dark sky was tinged with a very pale pink hue
as morning approached. The Englishman turned to the Boer and said "The dawn is nigh!"
The Boer promptly replied " Ek weet die donners naai, maar waar..???"
other on the Boer's farm.
One day the Englishman brought his English Rose,17 year-old daughter with him for a weekend visit.
The Boer's 18 year-old son was delighted and asked her out to the
local dance in the town being held that Saturday night. She accepted and
the two of them left in the Boer's son's bakkie.
The Boer and the Englishman visited over a bottle of brandy as
usual and talked for most of the evening. Around midnight they watched
the access road for signs of the returning youngsters.
When 1 a.m. arrived and the teenagers did not, the Englishman took
to pacing the stoep outside the farmhouse.
By 4 a.m. the Boer had joined him. Speechlessly, they paced and observed the access road.
At around 6 a.m. the dark sky was tinged with a very pale pink hue
as morning approached. The Englishman turned to the Boer and said "The dawn is nigh!"
The Boer promptly replied " Ek weet die donners naai, maar waar..???"
