BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
Wots thou pair onnabaat ? 
weel ayalingo session at Lincomb !
weel ayalingo session at Lincomb !
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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
I've seen The North on motorway signs, but have never got there..
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
When your nose starts to bleed you know you're close, it's either the altitude or a northern lass has noticed you're a foreigner and smacked you one ! It's like off roading, "never go alone"
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Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
Is Middle Earth closer?
Chas
Well-Known Member
THE WELSH COW
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk learned that they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
So they bought a bull to mate with the Welsh cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the veterinarian, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you, by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?"
The vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales "
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk learned that they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
So they bought a bull to mate with the Welsh cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the veterinarian, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you, by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?"
The vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales "
Graham
Well-Known Member
South Carolina Troopers.
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
In a run-down part of the East end of London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey
house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...
all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...
they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free,
occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists,
black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent
racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the British white couple saved?
It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service –
questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story
and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to
conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report.
He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours –
so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the
Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area,
having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer.
They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and
so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians
all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ....
"Because they were both at work."
house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...
all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...
they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free,
occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists,
black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent
racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the British white couple saved?
It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service –
questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story
and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to
conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report.
He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours –
so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the
Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area,
having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer.
They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and
so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians
all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ....
"Because they were both at work."
Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2010
- Messages
- 6,218
- Country Flag
A bloke just drove past my house and up the village in a large tractor with trailer attached.On the back of the trailer was a large board with the words "The End Is Nigh" displayed.
They reckon it was Farmer Geddon!!!!
They reckon it was Farmer Geddon!!!!
For the SAFFAs...
Only in Namibia could they get it so wrong, yet so right
. A temporary license for a fork lift!!
Only in Namibia could they get it so wrong, yet so right
. A temporary license for a fork lift!!
