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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost chicken."
British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost chicken."
Red Oktober
Well-Known Member
Graham
Well-Known Member
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearingaid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this)
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.
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"Bryan, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Bryan, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Graham
Well-Known Member
Rick met George in the street and said, 'George, will you draw your
bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'
'Bejaysus Why?' George asked.
'Because,' said Rick, 'The whole street was laughing when they saw you and
your missus making love yesterday.'
George said, 'Stupid neighbours . . . . the laugh's on them ...
I wasn't even home yesterday.
bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'
'Bejaysus Why?' George asked.
'Because,' said Rick, 'The whole street was laughing when they saw you and
your missus making love yesterday.'
George said, 'Stupid neighbours . . . . the laugh's on them ...
I wasn't even home yesterday.
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BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
Graham
Well-Known Member
Re: Jokes = Southern gentleman
Southern gentleman
After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge by a sweet lady from New York, a real southern gentleman from Mississippi beckoned the waitress back & said quietly, "Miss, y'all surely are a luvly, luvly lady ~ can Ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled & added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' & it's pretty slow here right now so why don't we just slip up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later the man sat down at the same table & the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes" replied the southern gentleman, "Ah sure do 'preciate what y'all just did for me ~ it was real sweet & right neighbourly but where Ah come from in Mississippi we like our bourbon real cold so Ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece of ass for mah drink."
Southern gentleman
After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge by a sweet lady from New York, a real southern gentleman from Mississippi beckoned the waitress back & said quietly, "Miss, y'all surely are a luvly, luvly lady ~ can Ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled & added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' & it's pretty slow here right now so why don't we just slip up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later the man sat down at the same table & the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes" replied the southern gentleman, "Ah sure do 'preciate what y'all just did for me ~ it was real sweet & right neighbourly but where Ah come from in Mississippi we like our bourbon real cold so Ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece of ass for mah drink."
Chas
Well-Known Member
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vets. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to Boots and get some "No Hair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
So, she went to the shop and bought some "No Hair" hair remover. At the counter, the Chemist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
My wife said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The Chemist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
So, she went to the shop and bought some "No Hair" hair remover. At the counter, the Chemist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
My wife said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The Chemist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Annamarie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 713
Doctors
A man, has some tests done. And he asked the doctor whants wrong? The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says I have some good news and some bad news. The paitent says, alright what's the bad news. The doctor says I have to amputate your leg. The paitent askes, what is the good news? The guy in the bed beside you has an offer on your slippers.
A man, has some tests done. And he asked the doctor whants wrong? The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says I have some good news and some bad news. The paitent says, alright what's the bad news. The doctor says I have to amputate your leg. The paitent askes, what is the good news? The guy in the bed beside you has an offer on your slippers.
Chas
Well-Known Member
Economics
After the recent teetering-on-the-edge-of-total-economic-and-financial-meltdown couple of weeks it seems economic systems and their workings have pushed their way into the need-to-know-category. Well, we can now simplify this all by explaining 21 economic models with cows. It is remarkable how much sense it all makes from this real world perspective!
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
After the recent teetering-on-the-edge-of-total-economic-and-financial-meltdown couple of weeks it seems economic systems and their workings have pushed their way into the need-to-know-category. Well, we can now simplify this all by explaining 21 economic models with cows. It is remarkable how much sense it all makes from this real world perspective!
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
Navraj Singh
Well-Known Member
Chas
Well-Known Member
One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving (too much sex, alcohol, illicit drugs, prescription drugs and risqué emails, buying Land Rovers etc,) that was going on.
So he called one of his angels to go to Earth.
When he returned, the angel told God,
'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not'.
God thought for a moment and said,
'Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion'!
So, God called another angel, & sent him to Earth too.
When the angel returned, he went to God & said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because, he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to help them keep going!
Do you know what the e-mail said ?
No?
OK, just checking, I didn't get one either ...
So he called one of his angels to go to Earth.
When he returned, the angel told God,
'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not'.
God thought for a moment and said,
'Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion'!
So, God called another angel, & sent him to Earth too.
When the angel returned, he went to God & said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because, he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to help them keep going!
Do you know what the e-mail said ?
No?
OK, just checking, I didn't get one either ...
Chas
Well-Known Member
WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN’T SAY, BUT PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired;
man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should
change clothes in basement.
Finally CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood!"
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired;
man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should
change clothes in basement.
Finally CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood!"
