You know it's time to hang up the car keys when ...
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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Graham
Well-Known Member
.
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for benefit.
At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddys are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing, food, and medical,.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify. My dogs get their first giro's Friday.
Damn, this is a great country!
G.
Graham
Well-Known Member
.
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
He never knew what hit him.
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
A guy walks into a pub in the middle of Wales and orders a white
wine.
All the locals sitting around the bar look up, expecting to
see some pitiful fairy from London with tattoo's and an ear ring.
The barman says, "You’re not from 'round yerr, are you?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Surrey."
The barman says, "And what do you doo in Surreey?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The barman says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist?
D’you drive a taxi?"
The guy says, "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. It means I mount
animals."
The barman grins and shouts, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
wine.
All the locals sitting around the bar look up, expecting to
see some pitiful fairy from London with tattoo's and an ear ring.
The barman says, "You’re not from 'round yerr, are you?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Surrey."
The barman says, "And what do you doo in Surreey?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The barman says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist?
D’you drive a taxi?"
The guy says, "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. It means I mount
animals."
The barman grins and shouts, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
Red Oktober
Well-Known Member
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Red Oktober
Well-Known Member
Borrowed from another site .....
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a car mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor.
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result," the doc said, "but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
"During the exam," the instructor said, "you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it through the exhaust, and I have never seen that done before."
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a car mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor.
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result," the doc said, "but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
"During the exam," the instructor said, "you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it through the exhaust, and I have never seen that done before."
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
If you liked the welshman joke, here's a welshwoman joke 
http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/blonde-star.html
http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/blonde-star.html
Chas
Well-Known Member
So X rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name. Surely this will confuse the Yanks when they are shopping for clothing on line!
News: 'French fighter jet brings down a Libyan fighter jet.' That must have been one powerful distress flare!
Apparently Gadaffi has gone into hiding and surrounded himself with 40 virgins. He can't be hiding in Manchester then.
News: 'French fighter jet brings down a Libyan fighter jet.' That must have been one powerful distress flare!
Apparently Gadaffi has gone into hiding and surrounded himself with 40 virgins. He can't be hiding in Manchester then.
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
So, they've made Libya a no fly zone ! they ought to do the same in Pakistan, where they're covered in them 
Annamarie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 713
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
Chas
Well-Known Member
Chas
Well-Known Member
A man went out for a drink with a few friends but told them "Don't let me get drunk, last time I went home drunk my wife said she would leave me if it happened again"
Anyway he got drunk, threw up over himself and said "I can't go home like this, she'll leave me" a friend said "That's OK go home but put a £20 note in your breast pocket and tell your wife someone threw up over you and gave you the £20 for dry cleaning"
So he went home and told his wife the story and showed her the £20,
She said "Then why have you got two £20 notes in your hand?
and he said
"Oh the other one is from the man who shat in my pants"
Anyway he got drunk, threw up over himself and said "I can't go home like this, she'll leave me" a friend said "That's OK go home but put a £20 note in your breast pocket and tell your wife someone threw up over you and gave you the £20 for dry cleaning"
So he went home and told his wife the story and showed her the £20,
She said "Then why have you got two £20 notes in your hand?
and he said
"Oh the other one is from the man who shat in my pants"
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
Old Bob was on his way home from the pub when he fell over, banged his head and died, When he got to the pearly gates St Peter was there to greet him, Bob says "I can't be dead I'm too young to die, I have a wife and young family" St Peter says "well Bob I'm sorry but it's true, however I can reincarnate you into a chicken so you go back to earth" OK says Bob "that's good because our neighbours have chickens I can live there", and in flash Bob is turned into a chicken and living next door to his wife and children.
During his first day he gets incredible stomach ache and is yelling out in pain, suddenly the rooster appears and says " I haven't seen you here before, whats the matter ? Bob tells him of his pain, the rooster says enjoy the experience, you're laying an egg, so Bob relaxes and goes with the pain, this happens again and again and with each egg Bob lays the pain lessens and the eggs flow more freely, all of a sudden Bob hears screaming and a whack across his head ! his wife shouts "WAKE UP BOB, YOU DIRTY DRUNKEN BASTARD, YOU'VE SHIT THE BED AGAIN"
During his first day he gets incredible stomach ache and is yelling out in pain, suddenly the rooster appears and says " I haven't seen you here before, whats the matter ? Bob tells him of his pain, the rooster says enjoy the experience, you're laying an egg, so Bob relaxes and goes with the pain, this happens again and again and with each egg Bob lays the pain lessens and the eggs flow more freely, all of a sudden Bob hears screaming and a whack across his head ! his wife shouts "WAKE UP BOB, YOU DIRTY DRUNKEN BASTARD, YOU'VE SHIT THE BED AGAIN"
Chas
Well-Known Member
I came out of the local chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your flamin’ will power'
Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '
I walked past an abo kid sitting outside the bank as I came out he looked at me and said 'Any Change?'
I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'
Snow forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks ‘What is wrong’??
The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’
‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??
The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on me moind at the moment’.
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since most of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your flamin’ will power'
Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '
I walked past an abo kid sitting outside the bank as I came out he looked at me and said 'Any Change?'
I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'
Snow forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks ‘What is wrong’??
The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’
‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??
The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on me moind at the moment’.
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since most of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
Red Oktober
Well-Known Member
:laughing-rollingyellow: :laughing-lettersrofl: :laughing-rollingred:
