Jokes

[Chas]

An old man goes into a drug store and asks for 6 Viagra tablets cut into quarters, the pharmacist says “I can cut them for you but a quarter of a tablet won’t give you a full erection”
The old man says “I don’t want a full erection, I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t p*ss on my slippers”

 

[Chas]

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:



An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.











The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

Olef and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Olef, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Olef.

'Could I see him?'

Olef opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.? Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie..

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olef,? 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

Old Chinese Proverb

Confucius say:

"If you in book store and no find book for you want, you obviously in the ..........................

 

[Red Oktober]

Ever wanted to learn Chinese quickly

 

[Chas]

Ah so! velly interlesting

 

[Trevor]

The reason there is a large contingent of polite Chinese population in North London is when they get into the Taxi after arriving at Heathrow, the first thing they say is "Harrow"

 

[Jimbo4x4]

Another ancient Chinese proverb says: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

 

[Annamarie]

Oh so true... and maybe we should try doing this again......









FOOD FOR THOUGHT


In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”


That’s right! They didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn’t have the green thing back in her
day.


In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery shop and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two streets. But she’s right. They didn’t have the green thing in her day.



Back then, they washed the baby’s nappies because they didn’t have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right,
they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.



Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of Wales. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the post, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or
plastic bubble wrap.



Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn fuel just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right. They didn’t have the green thing back then.



They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn’t have the green thing back then.




Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza shop.


But that old lady is right. They didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

I wonder how many of us can hold our hands up and say …………..NOT ME?

 

[Chas]

Was that a joke?

 

[Annamarie]

no i just didn't kno where to put it

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to
pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again,
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's
wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under
there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he
did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday
afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM.
Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving,
asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by
for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when
her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he
did give me £500.

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by
saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed £500 from
me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home
and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ....

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

A Leeds man walks into a High Street bank & asks for a loan.
He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for two
weeks & needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan,so the Yorkshirelad hands over the keys and documents of a new
Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book
& everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank manager & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough-looking
Yorkshireman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a
£5000 loan.

The bank manager then instructs an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari
into the bank's underground garage, where he parks it.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the £5,000 & the interest of
£15.41.

The bank officer says to the Yorkshireman,"Sir, we are very happy to have
had your business, & this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled...while you were away, we checked you out further &
found that you are a multi-millionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000"?

The Yorkshireman replies: "Where else in Leeds can I park my car for
two weeks for only £15.41 & expect it to be there when I return"

Ah, the mind of a true Yorkshireman.....!

 

[Chas]

A blonde, a brunnette and a redhead went out hunting, the brunette came back with a deer,
Blonde/Redhead "How did you do that" "I found some tracks, followed tracks, killed the deer"
The brunette went out came back with a rabbit,
Blonde/Brunette "How did you do that" "Found some tracks, followed tracks, killed rabbit"
The Blonde leaves and is gone for a long time, when she does come back she is severely injured and needs medical attention.
Brunette/Redhead "What happened" Blonde "Found some tracks, followed tracks, got hit by train.

 

[Chas]

A farmer in the American Midwest bought a pedigree rooster. When he got home he put the bird in the farmyard, whereupon the rooster rounded up the hens and serviced them. He then proceeded to do the same with all the ducks and geese, when he had finished, he flopped on his side with his legs in the air and his head on the ground.
The farmer had watched all this in admiration until he saw vultures circling overhead, 'No way' he thought and reached for his rifle. As he was taking aim, the rooster opened one eye and said

"Just let 'em settle"

 

[Annamarie]

Breast stroke
There were three girls in a swim race, a blonde, a brunnette and a redhead. They were all doing a swim race, and it was the breast stroke. So they're all swimming and the brunnette wins first place, the red head comes in second, and an hour later, the blonde gets last place. When the news reporter asked her why she took so long, she replied "Well, the other girls cheated, I saw them using their arms!"

 

[Chas]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t1ts in there.

 

[Crispin]

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t1ts in there.

ROFL