Jokes

[Annamarie]

Mommy's Balloons
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

 

[Chas]

Luv it.

 

[Chas]

Ngongon Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water & food ... this is because he torched Peckham Spar & Tottenham KFC.

As I was walking past Boots in Hounslow during the riots, I got hit by a bottle of Omega3 capsules - but don't worry, I only got superfishoil injuries.

Rupert Murdoch says he is deeply touched by all the messages left on Amy Winehouse's voicemail.

After 30 years of marriage Jim the plumber left his wife Florence.The note on the table simply read..."It's over Flo".

Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people in the arse, believe the attacker is following some sort of pattern.

Just because you can't spell Armageddon doesn't mean it's the end of the world.

 

[Annamarie]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. " yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

 

[Chas]

Tarzan to Jane, "Right, I'm off to work"

Jane to Tarzan, "Be careful, it's a jungle out there"

 

[Chas]

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, when a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you ?"
A bit embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine"
The voice said "So what are you up to ?"
I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!".
From next door, "Can I come over?"
Annoyed, I said " I'm rather busy right now"
The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot in the next cubicle answering all my questions"

 

[Chas]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge, red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat, and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you get on? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

The government have hinted that there might be another bank holiday to commemorate the death of Bin Laden.....
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All together now...
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We're all going on Osama Holiday

 

[Annamarie]

Kids identify flavors by their color: Red=Cherry, Yellow= Lemon, Green=Lime, Orange, =Oranges & so on..The teacher gave them all HONEY Hoops. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a hint. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One girl looked up in horror, spits her lifesaver out & yelled, 'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!!!"

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had
been dating for overa year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
Younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, worevery tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. Shewould regularly bend
down when she was near me, and I always gotmore than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Becauseshe never did it when she was near
anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me tocome over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when Iarrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desiresfor me that she
couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before Igot married and
committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say aword.

She said, “I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, andif you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched hergo up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made abeeline straight to
the front door. I opened the door, and headed straighttowards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family wasstanding outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged meand said, “We are
very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to thefamily.”

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44sd...utube.com/watch?v=44sdHcspvvk&feature=related

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

I NO COME WOK TODAY

> Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really
> sick. Got headache,
> stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'
> The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
> When I feel sick like
> you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything
> better and I go to work.
> You try that.
> Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel
> Great. I be at wok soon. You
> got nice house'.
>

 

[Paul]

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

An old woman was sipping a glass of wine on the patio with her husband, and she says
“I love you so much, I don’t believe I could ever live without you”
Her husband says “That’s nice, is that you or the wine talking?”
She replies “It’s me, I was talking to the wine”

 

[Chas]

IRISH TRADITION

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy,stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked, "it's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya eedjit ."

 

[Chas]

I like the girls who do
I like the girls who don't
I hate the girls who say they will
and then they say they won't
But the girls I like the most of all
and I think you'll say I'm right
are the girls who say they never do, but look as though they . . . .
Courtesy of Max Miller

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

THE DAVID BLAINE TEST

This is creepy!
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Think of a letter between A and W
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down

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Keep going

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Don't stop
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Think of an animal that begins with that letter
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down
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Think of either a man's or a woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name
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Almost there
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Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down
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Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level
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Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines on your hand
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Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?
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Of course they Bl**dy don't ! .
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Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!