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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
George goes to confession
Bless me Father O'Malley, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"
Well, George, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Paula?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Diana?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Michelle?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Julie?"
“My lips are sealed."
"Was it Barbara, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
"Father sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, George and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
George walks back to his pew, and his friend Mike slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."
Bless me Father O'Malley, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"
Well, George, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Paula?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Diana?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Michelle?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Julie?"
“My lips are sealed."
"Was it Barbara, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
"Father sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, George and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
George walks back to his pew, and his friend Mike slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...
The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ...."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
Paddy says:
"Because he lives in a fookin clock!"
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ...."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
Paddy says:
"Because he lives in a fookin clock!"
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Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying
dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognising the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . .. . ... Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying
dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognising the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . .. . ... Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
Got to turn attention away from Saffa jokes for a while 
A few quotes about humour, it’s no joke!
.
A joke is a very serious thing.
Winston Churchill
A well-developed sense of humour is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
William Arthur Ward
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humour to console him for what he is.
FrancisBacon
Common sense and a sense of humour are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humour is just common sense, dancing.
William James
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter Ustinov
Analyzing humour is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
E. B. White
Readmore at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_humor.html#rX2jXwHgxsfZh5Ow.99
.
A joke is a very serious thing.
Winston Churchill
A well-developed sense of humour is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
William Arthur Ward
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humour to console him for what he is.
FrancisBacon
Common sense and a sense of humour are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humour is just common sense, dancing.
William James
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter Ustinov
Analyzing humour is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
E. B. White
Readmore at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_humor.html#rX2jXwHgxsfZh5Ow.99
Food labels will no longer use "kilojoule content" to describe the energy value, it will now be referred to as "horse power"
Husband calls up the Hotel manager from his room.
Husband : Please come fast , I was having an argument with my wife and she says she's gonna jump out of the window.
Manager : Sir, I am sorry I can't help you , this seems to be a personal issue.
Husband : No, this is a maintenance issue. The window isn't opening.
Husband : Please come fast , I was having an argument with my wife and she says she's gonna jump out of the window.
Manager : Sir, I am sorry I can't help you , this seems to be a personal issue.
Husband : No, this is a maintenance issue. The window isn't opening.
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An elderly lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she’d like a pet tokeep her company. So off to the pet shopshe went, she searched but nothing seemed to catch her interest, except thisone ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her!
He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So,she bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t besorry.”
So, the old lady figured why not? and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome,young prince.
Then the prince kissed her back, and what do you think the old lady turnedinto
.
.
.
.
.
The first motel she could find.
(She’s old, not dead!)
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her!
He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So,she bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t besorry.”
So, the old lady figured why not? and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome,young prince.
Then the prince kissed her back, and what do you think the old lady turnedinto
.
.
.
.
.
The first motel she could find.
(She’s old, not dead!)
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an oldlamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not thestandard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn theentire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the seaturned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two menconsidered their circumstances.
Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Nowwe're going to have to p*ss in the boat."
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an oldlamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not thestandard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn theentire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the seaturned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two menconsidered their circumstances.
Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Nowwe're going to have to p*ss in the boat."
Caron De Kock
Active Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2013
- Messages
- 61
Every red wine drinkers dream...! 
An unemployed guy walks onto a building site in the hope of obtaining some employment.
The foreman says, "It must be your lucky day today. Old Billy the crane operator is retiring on Friday, you can have his job. Just climb that 300 footladder, bang on the side widow and tell Billy I've sent you up to be trained."
The unemployed guy climbs the 300 foot ladder, bangs on the side window and explains to old Billy what the foreman had told him.
Old Billy gestures to the unemployed guy to squeeze into his cab next to him and then shows him that after he gets the crane started, he has 3 levers in front of him. "Pull this one on the left," says old Billy, "and it moves the crane to the left, push it back and it centralizes it". "Likewise," says old Billy, "With the lever on the right handside."
"The lever in the middle, operates your boom and jib, depending on whereyou need to put your load down," says old Billy.
"O.K got that," says the unemployed guy, "But what do you do when you need to take a p*ss?"
Old Billy says, "I'm just about ready for one so I'll show you. All you do is carefully walk out on the arm of the crane and piss over the side, by the time it hits the ground it's evaporated. Just sit there and don't touch anything" says old Billy.
So old Billy eases out onto the arm of the crane when the unemployed guy accidentally moves one of the levers and old Billy falls off the crane.
At the coroners inquest the coroner asks, "Can anybody shed any light on the unfortunate death of old Billy?"
One of the brickies stands up and says, "I think old Billy was a sex maniac. I was bricking about 2 storeys up when I looked over the side and saw 3 gorgeous blondes walking through the site, and as I looked up I saw old Billy coming down, cock in his hand yelling C*NT!"
The foreman says, "It must be your lucky day today. Old Billy the crane operator is retiring on Friday, you can have his job. Just climb that 300 footladder, bang on the side widow and tell Billy I've sent you up to be trained."
The unemployed guy climbs the 300 foot ladder, bangs on the side window and explains to old Billy what the foreman had told him.
Old Billy gestures to the unemployed guy to squeeze into his cab next to him and then shows him that after he gets the crane started, he has 3 levers in front of him. "Pull this one on the left," says old Billy, "and it moves the crane to the left, push it back and it centralizes it". "Likewise," says old Billy, "With the lever on the right handside."
"The lever in the middle, operates your boom and jib, depending on whereyou need to put your load down," says old Billy.
"O.K got that," says the unemployed guy, "But what do you do when you need to take a p*ss?"
Old Billy says, "I'm just about ready for one so I'll show you. All you do is carefully walk out on the arm of the crane and piss over the side, by the time it hits the ground it's evaporated. Just sit there and don't touch anything" says old Billy.
So old Billy eases out onto the arm of the crane when the unemployed guy accidentally moves one of the levers and old Billy falls off the crane.
At the coroners inquest the coroner asks, "Can anybody shed any light on the unfortunate death of old Billy?"
One of the brickies stands up and says, "I think old Billy was a sex maniac. I was bricking about 2 storeys up when I looked over the side and saw 3 gorgeous blondes walking through the site, and as I looked up I saw old Billy coming down, cock in his hand yelling C*NT!"
Euan McGilp
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2011
- Messages
- 210
'Borrowed' from another forum:
A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. UK for letting me in this country, giving me housing, free welfare, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounter s another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!"
The person says, "I not English, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful UK!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not English!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English?"She says, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English?"The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably all at work."
A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. UK for letting me in this country, giving me housing, free welfare, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounter s another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!"
The person says, "I not English, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful UK!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not English!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English?"She says, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English?"The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably all at work."
