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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
If swimming is a good exercise to stay FIT, why are whales FAT??
Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT, called a STAND?
Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN but nobody wants to DIE?
Is there racial discrimination even in chess as the WHITE piece is moved FIRST?
In our country, we have FREEDOM of SPEECH, then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS?
If money doesn't grow on TREES then why do banks have BRANCHES?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to its BOTTLE?
Why do you still call it a BUILDING when its already BUILT?
If its true that we are here to HELP others, what are others HERE for?
If you aren't supposed to DRINK and DRIVE why do bars have PARKING lots?
If All The Nations In The World Are In Debt, Where Did All The Money Go..?
When Dog Food Is New With Improved Taste, Who Tests It..?
If The "Black Box" Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn't The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff..?
Who Copyrighted The Copyright Symbol..?
Can You Cry Under Water..?
Why Do People Say "I've Been Working Like A Dog" When all dogs do is sit Around All Day..?
We live in a seriously funny world..
Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT, called a STAND?
Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN but nobody wants to DIE?
Is there racial discrimination even in chess as the WHITE piece is moved FIRST?
In our country, we have FREEDOM of SPEECH, then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS?
If money doesn't grow on TREES then why do banks have BRANCHES?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to its BOTTLE?
Why do you still call it a BUILDING when its already BUILT?
If its true that we are here to HELP others, what are others HERE for?
If you aren't supposed to DRINK and DRIVE why do bars have PARKING lots?
If All The Nations In The World Are In Debt, Where Did All The Money Go..?
When Dog Food Is New With Improved Taste, Who Tests It..?
If The "Black Box" Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn't The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff..?
Who Copyrighted The Copyright Symbol..?
Can You Cry Under Water..?
Why Do People Say "I've Been Working Like A Dog" When all dogs do is sit Around All Day..?
We live in a seriously funny world..
Crushers
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2011
- Messages
- 499
Roger Fairclough
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2010
- Messages
- 1,106
My Dobinson springs left Eastern Poland late Friday afternoon. They reached me in central England 70 hours later. The payment had left my account the previous Monday but took 4 days to reach Poland. The springs came by road and ship. The money went electronically. Somewhere along the way my money was used by some bank or other to further it's ill gotten gains.
Now will I see any of the profits?
Roger
Now will I see any of the profits?
Roger
Bungarra
Active Member
- Joined
- Nov 4, 2012
- Messages
- 77
- Country Flag
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
Sex On Mars
The year is 2222, and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent Flier miles.
[FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
[/FONT][FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another...[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Maureen and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only
a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
[/FONT][FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any
good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE !! [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]
The year is 2222, and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent Flier miles.
[FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
[/FONT][FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another...[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Maureen and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only
a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
[/FONT][FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any
good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE !! [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]
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A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.
Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down.
Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump and bailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed aparachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my School back pack."
Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down.
Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump and bailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed aparachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my School back pack."
Chris Green90
Well-Known Member
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif]The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change." When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. Bought some 'rocket salad' but it went off before I could eat it! A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif]The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change." When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. Bought some 'rocket salad' but it went off before I could eat it! A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.[/FONT][/FONT]
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated ‘Johns Brothers’, taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
"Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks?" replied Paddy.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated ‘Johns Brothers’, taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
"Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks?" replied Paddy.
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Two women chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for aromantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.
When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, the husbands version at work
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they’d cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour & when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over thehouse
Tax man calls round a small dairy farm in Kent. He asks the farmer about his employees and wants to make sure they are paid more than the minimum wage and make sure they are all in the books, the farmer is an old boy and stands there in his tweed jacket and his Dunlop wellies covered in sh*t.
"How many employees have you got working on this farm?" asks the arrogant tax man.
"Well, well I tell you" says the old farmer ... "I got this old boy 15yr younger than me and he be the herdsman, been here 23yr I pay him £20 an hour and he does 14hrs a day 5 days a week but he be getting old now so he only works weekday and we hire a relief for the weekend."
"I also got an old boy called Alan who drives the tractors, I pay him £15 an hour and he does 9hr a day also works in the workshop and has weekends off"
"Now we got the half wit, he does all the manual dirty work, he bain't got a brain cell between him, works 16hr a day, sometimes 18hr, 7 days a week, he earns about £20 a week and sometimes sleeps with my missus and sometimes has a bottle of whiskey every now and then"
"I would like to speak to the so called 'half witted' gentleman please" requests the tax man"
"Now that be me!" chuckles the old farmer !
"How many employees have you got working on this farm?" asks the arrogant tax man.
"Well, well I tell you" says the old farmer ... "I got this old boy 15yr younger than me and he be the herdsman, been here 23yr I pay him £20 an hour and he does 14hrs a day 5 days a week but he be getting old now so he only works weekday and we hire a relief for the weekend."
"I also got an old boy called Alan who drives the tractors, I pay him £15 an hour and he does 9hr a day also works in the workshop and has weekends off"
"Now we got the half wit, he does all the manual dirty work, he bain't got a brain cell between him, works 16hr a day, sometimes 18hr, 7 days a week, he earns about £20 a week and sometimes sleeps with my missus and sometimes has a bottle of whiskey every now and then"
"I would like to speak to the so called 'half witted' gentleman please" requests the tax man"
"Now that be me!" chuckles the old farmer !
Planning Permision for a new house .
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place
and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it bright purple with pink trim.
The Council told me to f*** off.
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place
and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it bright purple with pink trim.
The Council told me to f*** off.
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday.
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Caron De Kock
Active Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2013
- Messages
- 61
Fireworks
Fireworks - I couldn't help myself, this so funny...!
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1499375658252
Fireworks - I couldn't help myself, this so funny...!
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1499375658252
After having their 11th child, a Brakpan couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children...
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy but that it was expensive. (For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or sound systems, is expensive).
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Brakpan), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10!
The man said: "Ag jinne, I maait not be de cleverest oke in de wurlt, but I dussin see how putting a Cherrie bom in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me."
"Trust me" said the doctor... So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"Wun, tooo, freee, forrrr, faaaiif,"
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand!!!!
This procedure also works in: Benoni, Springs, Primrose, Orkney, Randfontein
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2010
- Messages
- 6,052
- Country Flag
They always the brunt of jokes (deservedly so...)
