The EU divorce bill.

[Chas]

David Davis MP is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier the Membership Secretary sees him.
"Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership. If you would like to come to my office we can settle your account".
"I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis..
"Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement"
In Mr Barnier’s office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club?
"Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".
"Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet. As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount".
"That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"!
"But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis.
"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. There is also your bar bill".
"But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis.
"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders with the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked. You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year. You therefore owe us £2600 for the year".
"Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis.
"No of course not Mr Davis. You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier.
"Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers. Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".
"I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis..
"No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!"
"Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof".
"Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"
"Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week.. Your share of the bill is £2000".
"I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?".
"Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension. We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month. He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it.
This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier.
"Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't
be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!"
"Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.
"Pxxx off!" says Mr Davis.

 

[Olazz]

Wrong ending Chas...
"oh, ok then says Mr Davis" It's not my money anyway, the stupid tax payers will foot the bill.

 

[Brian S]

That Chas is bang on and "p**s off " should also be the reply
Unfortunately I can't see that happening

 

[Edward Moyse]

Hmm. I know it's a joke, but honestly that's a terrible analogy.

Much better IMO would be a couple who bought a house together, then one of them says they've met someone new and are moving out and don't want to pay for anything any more. Of course, legally they are required to continue paying for the mortgage they signed together, for the builder for the extension they planned together etc etc. And if it's the wife and kids living in the house, they can't compel them to sell it.

As a scientist this all directly impacts me so I'm a bit sensitive about it - the UK agreed to various science programs and now expects not to pay any more. The problem is these programs are for several years (until 2020 in the one case I'm thinking about) and in some cases the money has already been allocated/spent. It can't simply be cancelled ... and a lot of it was going to be spent in the UK but can't now. Well, whose fault is that?

We're leaving - we are the ones making the mess, so yeah, it's going to cost us. Same thing happens with a divorcing couple - the lawyers are the only ones who profit.

 

[goodoldboy]

Going with the Golf club analogy the UK has always behaved badly in the club whilst wanting the most out of it & complaing bitterly about membership fees at every opportunity.At the bar a member who is self opinionated & patronising to other members , always talking about fair play whilst elbowing his way to the bar...as for the non returnable deposit you paid for the custom made clubs with your initials engraved on them , you should have thought about that when you resigned.Far from being missed the other members are delighted to see the back of such a boorish oaf & be able to get in with the business of the club without your infantile interference.As for your demand to be able to play as a guest , at no cost incredulity was quickly followed by anger.The club has the law on its side & your legal team has advised you to pay up without delay as you haven't got a leg to stand on.

 

[Shayne]

Swap the bar for a drinks trolley and the restaurant for a soup kitchen and take in lodgers to keep the balance Mr Barnier , Mr Davis prefers friends with benefits over a fat lazy self promoting blind deaf stupid and dictating wife .