Dan W
Well-Known Member
Hello, I thought I'd post this in the Lounge as it's not supposed to be taken seriously. I wrote it for my 4x4 response groups newsletter.
Dan’s guide to undersealing
Hello andwelcome to my guide to undersealing your vehicle. I’ve broken it down intosections for your convenience and ease of use. I would recommend printing itout and keeping it handy whilst undersealing your vehicle. Top Tip! It’s wise to laminate your guide so it’s not spoiled bydirty hands or your tears!
Disclaimer: I accept no responsibility for your actions when following this guide and I am not liable for damage to yourself, your vehicle, your house, or your mental wellbeing.
Step 1-Planning
· Don’t do it. Seriously just don’t. Pay someone else to do it or at the very least kidnap someone and make them do it for you.
· If you insist on doing it yourself then I wish you luck and hope that one day your masochism will be cured.
· First you will need to choose what underseal to use. Waxoyl can be bought in spray cans however you will bankrupt yourself before you can buy enough cans to do the job. They also sell a hand pump and applicator nozzle which has, as far as I can tell, been developed by demons that feed on Human frustration.
The best option are cans that screw into an applicator gun. You will need a decent compressor for this but it’s the best way of applying it.
I chose two products for the underseal. Waxoyl as I had it in the shed and Schutz as the nice man at the shop gave me a discount on some. If I were to choose between the two then I’d go with the Schutz as it went on better than the Waxoyl, was cheaper and is said to just as durable as the Waxoyl.
· Regardless of how many cans you have purchased you will be one can short, so ensure there is a stockist of your chosen underseal close by.
· For the applicator gun there are several makes available. There are cheaper guns available on sites such as eBay which are fine for DIY tasks and will be just as incompatible with your compressor as the more expensive ones. Apparently my compressor is German which means it requires conversion to the UK system and also explains why I kept hearing ‘Das Lied der Deutschen‘ coming from the shed. This is worth bearing in mind if purchasing a compressor.
· Plan for application during warm weather so undertake this task when the temperatureis at least ten degrees Celcius. Consider moving to Mercury where the daytime temperature is over four hundred degrees Celcius and may make the task comparatively easy.
· If you have family, send them away. They don’t need to hear all the new swear words you’ll invent
· It is best to take at least two days to compete this job, one day for preparation and theother for application. A third day is optional for therapy.
Step 2-Preparation
· Preparation is key to making it through this ordeal with your humanity intact.
· Thoroughly clean and degrease the underside of the vehicle. A pressure washer is useful here as a regular hosepipe doesn’t have quite enough pressure to get you completely soaked. If you have a drain cleaning attachment for the pressurewasher it can be useful for cleaning the inside of the chassis rails and getting water down the back of your neck.
· If you want to be thorough you can also remove any underbody armour and door cards to access the bottom of the doors. Don’t forgot to clean the wheel arches and inside the bumpers.
· Allow overnight to dry. The underside should be completely dry before applying the underseal.
Step 3-Application
· Now the real fun begins! It is worth mentioning that should underseal be sprayed onanything it shouldn’t then removal is somewhat tricky. If any should get onto hands or feet then amputating the affected limb should prove to be the easiest option. If this is not practical then I have found the only thing that will remove it is Surfex HD, a water based cleaner and degreaser. Overalls, rubbergloves, goggles, full biohazard suit are recommended.
· If spraying on the underseal then care should be taken to prevent overspray. It’s worth noting that the minimum safe distance around the vehicle is equivalent toa Minute Man nuclear device and an overspray area of at least 0.5km should beobserved at all times. I made the mistake of spraying my vehicle next to the house and my lifespan has reduced to however long it takes my wife to spot it.
· Top Tip! Place your cans of underseal in very warm or boiling water about an hour before using them as it thins the undersealmaking spraying easier. Warning! This may also cause some of the cans to explode a little bit.
· When you are ready to start spraying you will notice a fairly large patch of mud that you didn't clean off the day before. Put everything down and clean this off and wait for it dry again
· Whilst waiting for it to dry have a coffee, or if you believe in a loving God take this time to ask it for help and fortitude in your endeavour. If a goat sacrifice is necessary perform it now.
· Startspraying! Usually you will have massively overdone the air pressure from yourcompressor and you will have used your first can of underseal in roughly sixteen seconds. Adjust the pressure down so that it now dribbles out onto your face.
· Clean goggles.
· Spray all the underside of the vehicle except for the brakes, exhaust, engine and gearbox/transmission.
· You will need to perfect the undercar wiggle, a method of moving underneath thevehicle in such a way as to give the impression you are a caterpillar experiencing an epileptic seizure.
· Top Tip! Spray from different angles toachieve good coverage. This is of interest to both yourself and quantum physicists who believe that your suspension components exist not only in our three dimensions but also on several planes of reality as no matter how much youspray something or from what angle, if you stand a bit to the left it will still appear to be untouched.
· After a short period you should notice that it becomes difficult to spray as the can empties when using the gun at angles. Most applicator guns come with a flexible tube for spraying inside the chassis.The nozzle from the gun can be placed in one of these tubes allowing the gun to remain upright whilst using the flexible tube to apply the spray. In theory.
In reality the tube will give the underseal just long enough to cool down and become thick and gloopy clogging up the tube. You should also be far enough into the task that the air vent on the applicator gun has become clogged whichresults in an exciting bang and the coverage of anything in the immediate vicinity (namely yourself) with a thick layer of undercoat.
Top Tip! Underseal can magically pass throughsafety eyewear. If you wear contact lenses it’s really very painful to have underseal stick to them!
· If you have spilt any underseal or allowed any to drop onto the floor, ensure you do not lie in it as contact with the Human body accelerates the drying process resulting in you being stuck to the floor.
· Once underseal is complete, check over the vehicle for any areas you may have missed. This is largely unhelpful as you will have already run out ofunderseal. You will most likely have missed large swathes of chassis, usuallyin an obvious location thereby allowing anyone inspecting your work a chance to comment on how you have ‘missed a bit’. You must be merciful and offer these people a quick death.
· Allow underseal to dry. Whilst drying, the underseal will release fumes which if allowed to build up in confined spaces may result in guides such as this being written.
· The easiest way to achieve cleanliness is to take everything you have used, touched, worn, looked at and walked on since starting this task and put it in the bin. Top Tip! Don’t forget to take your car keys out of your overalls before putting them in the bin!
Dan’s guide to undersealing
Hello andwelcome to my guide to undersealing your vehicle. I’ve broken it down intosections for your convenience and ease of use. I would recommend printing itout and keeping it handy whilst undersealing your vehicle. Top Tip! It’s wise to laminate your guide so it’s not spoiled bydirty hands or your tears!
Disclaimer: I accept no responsibility for your actions when following this guide and I am not liable for damage to yourself, your vehicle, your house, or your mental wellbeing.
Step 1-Planning
· Don’t do it. Seriously just don’t. Pay someone else to do it or at the very least kidnap someone and make them do it for you.
· If you insist on doing it yourself then I wish you luck and hope that one day your masochism will be cured.
· First you will need to choose what underseal to use. Waxoyl can be bought in spray cans however you will bankrupt yourself before you can buy enough cans to do the job. They also sell a hand pump and applicator nozzle which has, as far as I can tell, been developed by demons that feed on Human frustration.
The best option are cans that screw into an applicator gun. You will need a decent compressor for this but it’s the best way of applying it.
I chose two products for the underseal. Waxoyl as I had it in the shed and Schutz as the nice man at the shop gave me a discount on some. If I were to choose between the two then I’d go with the Schutz as it went on better than the Waxoyl, was cheaper and is said to just as durable as the Waxoyl.
· Regardless of how many cans you have purchased you will be one can short, so ensure there is a stockist of your chosen underseal close by.
· For the applicator gun there are several makes available. There are cheaper guns available on sites such as eBay which are fine for DIY tasks and will be just as incompatible with your compressor as the more expensive ones. Apparently my compressor is German which means it requires conversion to the UK system and also explains why I kept hearing ‘Das Lied der Deutschen‘ coming from the shed. This is worth bearing in mind if purchasing a compressor.
· Plan for application during warm weather so undertake this task when the temperatureis at least ten degrees Celcius. Consider moving to Mercury where the daytime temperature is over four hundred degrees Celcius and may make the task comparatively easy.
· If you have family, send them away. They don’t need to hear all the new swear words you’ll invent
· It is best to take at least two days to compete this job, one day for preparation and theother for application. A third day is optional for therapy.
Step 2-Preparation
· Preparation is key to making it through this ordeal with your humanity intact.
· Thoroughly clean and degrease the underside of the vehicle. A pressure washer is useful here as a regular hosepipe doesn’t have quite enough pressure to get you completely soaked. If you have a drain cleaning attachment for the pressurewasher it can be useful for cleaning the inside of the chassis rails and getting water down the back of your neck.
· If you want to be thorough you can also remove any underbody armour and door cards to access the bottom of the doors. Don’t forgot to clean the wheel arches and inside the bumpers.
· Allow overnight to dry. The underside should be completely dry before applying the underseal.
Step 3-Application
· Now the real fun begins! It is worth mentioning that should underseal be sprayed onanything it shouldn’t then removal is somewhat tricky. If any should get onto hands or feet then amputating the affected limb should prove to be the easiest option. If this is not practical then I have found the only thing that will remove it is Surfex HD, a water based cleaner and degreaser. Overalls, rubbergloves, goggles, full biohazard suit are recommended.
· If spraying on the underseal then care should be taken to prevent overspray. It’s worth noting that the minimum safe distance around the vehicle is equivalent toa Minute Man nuclear device and an overspray area of at least 0.5km should beobserved at all times. I made the mistake of spraying my vehicle next to the house and my lifespan has reduced to however long it takes my wife to spot it.
· Top Tip! Place your cans of underseal in very warm or boiling water about an hour before using them as it thins the undersealmaking spraying easier. Warning! This may also cause some of the cans to explode a little bit.
· When you are ready to start spraying you will notice a fairly large patch of mud that you didn't clean off the day before. Put everything down and clean this off and wait for it dry again
· Whilst waiting for it to dry have a coffee, or if you believe in a loving God take this time to ask it for help and fortitude in your endeavour. If a goat sacrifice is necessary perform it now.
· Startspraying! Usually you will have massively overdone the air pressure from yourcompressor and you will have used your first can of underseal in roughly sixteen seconds. Adjust the pressure down so that it now dribbles out onto your face.
· Clean goggles.
· Spray all the underside of the vehicle except for the brakes, exhaust, engine and gearbox/transmission.
· You will need to perfect the undercar wiggle, a method of moving underneath thevehicle in such a way as to give the impression you are a caterpillar experiencing an epileptic seizure.
· Top Tip! Spray from different angles toachieve good coverage. This is of interest to both yourself and quantum physicists who believe that your suspension components exist not only in our three dimensions but also on several planes of reality as no matter how much youspray something or from what angle, if you stand a bit to the left it will still appear to be untouched.
· After a short period you should notice that it becomes difficult to spray as the can empties when using the gun at angles. Most applicator guns come with a flexible tube for spraying inside the chassis.The nozzle from the gun can be placed in one of these tubes allowing the gun to remain upright whilst using the flexible tube to apply the spray. In theory.
In reality the tube will give the underseal just long enough to cool down and become thick and gloopy clogging up the tube. You should also be far enough into the task that the air vent on the applicator gun has become clogged whichresults in an exciting bang and the coverage of anything in the immediate vicinity (namely yourself) with a thick layer of undercoat.
Top Tip! Underseal can magically pass throughsafety eyewear. If you wear contact lenses it’s really very painful to have underseal stick to them!
· If you have spilt any underseal or allowed any to drop onto the floor, ensure you do not lie in it as contact with the Human body accelerates the drying process resulting in you being stuck to the floor.
· Once underseal is complete, check over the vehicle for any areas you may have missed. This is largely unhelpful as you will have already run out ofunderseal. You will most likely have missed large swathes of chassis, usuallyin an obvious location thereby allowing anyone inspecting your work a chance to comment on how you have ‘missed a bit’. You must be merciful and offer these people a quick death.
· Allow underseal to dry. Whilst drying, the underseal will release fumes which if allowed to build up in confined spaces may result in guides such as this being written.
· The easiest way to achieve cleanliness is to take everything you have used, touched, worn, looked at and walked on since starting this task and put it in the bin. Top Tip! Don’t forget to take your car keys out of your overalls before putting them in the bin!
