Van Der Merwe Jokes!

[Chas]

Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.

"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.

"It's for my wife."

"But why isn't she here?"

"She died."

"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"

"They've all gone to the funeral."

 

[Graham]

Ha, ha, ha,

Gra.

 

[Graham]

There was a German, an Italian and Van der Merwe on death row.The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
Then it was Van der Merwe turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and Van der Merwe fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy
Then Van der Merwe said, "Give me another one of those shots,"so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
Van der Merwe replied, "You guys are so stupid.....












I'm wearing a condom."

 

[Chas]

Another one, but can someone translate the punchline for me please?

Van der Merwe goes to Paris to watch the Boks take on the Brits at the world cup.

Whilst in Paris, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything - so much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that he has to be rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.

Van goes berserk, he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.

He walks up to Van and tells him "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou knaters uithaal."

Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."

 

[Graham]

ha ha ha


I think "test tickets! are roughly translated to testicles.

So losing the test tickets is worse than losing his testicles.

Gra.

 

[Graham]

A boer went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he
told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied. He hurried home, took
a shower, changed his clothes and combed his hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied.
"Bliksem, he recognized me," he thought. So he went for a complete disguise this time,
haircut and new color, shaved off the baard, suit and tie, fake glasses, then waited a few days
before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell
to boere," the salesman replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "Jislaaik, man! How do you know
I'm a boer?"








"Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.

 

[Chas]

Thanks Graham.

 

[Chas]

A Priest was seated next to Van Der Merwe on a flight to Brakpan.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

Van Der Merwe asked for a Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

Van Der Merwe then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[Chas]

So Van is in a bar in London with a Frenchman and an Italian. They are boasting of their sexual prowess.
The Frenchman says "When I pleasure my mistress, I tickle her nipples with a feather, and she floats an inch above the bed in bliss".
The Italian, not to be outdone, says "When I make love to my girlfriend, I lick amaretto liqueur from her navel. She floats a foot above the bed in delight".
Van says "Ya, well, er... When I screw my wife, I wipe my dick on the curtains afterwards, and let me tell you man, she hits the fuckin' roof!"

 

[Graham]

CHAS,

You've done it again

First laugh of the day.

Graham