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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Chas
Well-Known Member
They walk among us...
IDIOT SIGHTING 1
When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Mechanic "It's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Bromley, Kent UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Crayford, Kent, UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Gillingham Kent, UK.
IDIOT SIGHTING 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened Luton Airport ....... UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in Dartford Kent, UK
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the
RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!
IDIOT SIGHTING 1
When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Mechanic "It's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Bromley, Kent UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Crayford, Kent, UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Gillingham Kent, UK.
IDIOT SIGHTING 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened Luton Airport ....... UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in Dartford Kent, UK
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the
RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!
thats bad
Chas
Well-Known Member
It all began with an iPhone...
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.
My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.
My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!
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BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat butt. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish.. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. ( Bob by, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7) Reply to [email protected]
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat butt. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish.. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. ( Bob by, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7) Reply to [email protected]
Shamless repost from elsewhere 
A guy goes to the supermarket to get some groceries for his wife, and while strolling through the aisles he notices an attractive woman waving at
him. He waves back, and continues filling up his cart.
A short while later they are both in the same checkout queue. She smiles and says hello. He's rather taken aback because, though she looks
familiar, he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but do I know you?'
To which she replies, 'Why yes, I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
He is shell-shocked! Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Oh my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's Kindergarten teacher.'
A guy goes to the supermarket to get some groceries for his wife, and while strolling through the aisles he notices an attractive woman waving at
him. He waves back, and continues filling up his cart.
A short while later they are both in the same checkout queue. She smiles and says hello. He's rather taken aback because, though she looks
familiar, he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but do I know you?'
To which she replies, 'Why yes, I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
He is shell-shocked! Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Oh my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's Kindergarten teacher.'
Chas
Well-Known Member
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. but as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I have been here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
PS. Have I sent this to you already??
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. but as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I have been here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
PS. Have I sent this to you already??
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swat.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting flies". He responded.
"Oh getting any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone".
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting flies". He responded.
"Oh getting any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone".
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2010
- Messages
- 6,131
- Country Flag
1. Windows XP was released TEN years ago, in 2001.
2. The “new” Millennium is more than a decade old.
3. Pierce Brosnan last acted as James Bond 9 years ago.
4. It’s been 10 years since 9/11
5. The Matrix came out 12 years ago, Keanu Reeves is 46 today
6. Mother Theresa and Lady Diana have been dead for 14 years.
7. Macaulay Culkin is 30 today. “Home Alone” came out over 20 years ago.
8. Terminator 2 is 20 years old. Edward Furlong who portrayed kid John Connor is 33 now.
9. Sean Connery is 80 years old and retired.
10. The youngest Spice Girl is 35, the oldest Backstreet Boy 39, Gwen Stefani is 41, Madonna 52
11. The first Harry Potter book came out 14 years ago!
12. The first season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S was aired 17 years ago!
13. ‘Kids’ born in 1993 can legally drive, drink and vote this year.
14. Jurassic Park is older than Justin Bieber.
15. Bryan Adams’ cult song “Summer of 69? was released 26 years ago.
16. Kids whom you remember in their diapers posting their pics on Facebook.
17. Facebook has been around for 7 years.
2. The “new” Millennium is more than a decade old.
3. Pierce Brosnan last acted as James Bond 9 years ago.
4. It’s been 10 years since 9/11
5. The Matrix came out 12 years ago, Keanu Reeves is 46 today
6. Mother Theresa and Lady Diana have been dead for 14 years.
7. Macaulay Culkin is 30 today. “Home Alone” came out over 20 years ago.
8. Terminator 2 is 20 years old. Edward Furlong who portrayed kid John Connor is 33 now.
9. Sean Connery is 80 years old and retired.
10. The youngest Spice Girl is 35, the oldest Backstreet Boy 39, Gwen Stefani is 41, Madonna 52
11. The first Harry Potter book came out 14 years ago!
12. The first season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S was aired 17 years ago!
13. ‘Kids’ born in 1993 can legally drive, drink and vote this year.
14. Jurassic Park is older than Justin Bieber.
15. Bryan Adams’ cult song “Summer of 69? was released 26 years ago.
16. Kids whom you remember in their diapers posting their pics on Facebook.
17. Facebook has been around for 7 years.
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
Chris Green90
Well-Known Member
Chas
Well-Known Member
FA are hillarious, try this one;Chris Green90 said:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXzaVOk_ ... re=related
Graham
Well-Known Member
The Admiral
The Admiral' ear
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear."
The Admiral' ear
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear."
