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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
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Bungarra
Active Member
- Joined
- Nov 4, 2012
- Messages
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An elderly couple was watching a program on the Discovery Channel about a
West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the
black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on
the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to
24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight
procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"
"It looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the
black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on
the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to
24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight
procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"
"It looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
Graham
Well-Known Member
[FONT="]What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4hours?
Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and
her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help him.
Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism Earl then agreed and began by saying, '
This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.*[/FONT]
Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and
her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help him.
Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism Earl then agreed and began by saying, '
This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.*[/FONT]
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A Few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really Incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick
your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
A Few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really Incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick
your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
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"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, by this time I am really intrigued
"Well, she said, go and take a quick look in the garage
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, by this time I am really intrigued
"Well, she said, go and take a quick look in the garage
A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a vicar when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a vicar when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Crushers
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2011
- Messages
- 499
i had been involved in a conversation with a older single church lady when i found out she had 3 different husbands over the decades.
she was a sweetheart of a lady, so kind, so gentle, so loving.
i had to ask what happened to them and she looked at me with a twinkle in her eye.
she said "well, i had been married to the first husband for 20 years when one day he died after eating poison mushrooms". needless to say this was a rare death and i was shocked.
she went on to say "then Bill came along and we fell in love and got married. after 15 years he died after eating poison mushrooms". this was starting to sound a bit ... unbelievable.
finally, she said "then Chris came into my life and he filled my every need. life was perfect for 12 years and suddenly he died."
sarcastically, i asked if he died of poison mushrooms? she responded "oh no, he died of a concussion".
"a concussion? how did that happen", i asked
she looked me square in the eye with a truly wicked grin and whispered "he wouldn't eat the mushrooms"
she was a sweetheart of a lady, so kind, so gentle, so loving.
i had to ask what happened to them and she looked at me with a twinkle in her eye.
she said "well, i had been married to the first husband for 20 years when one day he died after eating poison mushrooms". needless to say this was a rare death and i was shocked.
she went on to say "then Bill came along and we fell in love and got married. after 15 years he died after eating poison mushrooms". this was starting to sound a bit ... unbelievable.
finally, she said "then Chris came into my life and he filled my every need. life was perfect for 12 years and suddenly he died."
sarcastically, i asked if he died of poison mushrooms? she responded "oh no, he died of a concussion".
"a concussion? how did that happen", i asked
she looked me square in the eye with a truly wicked grin and whispered "he wouldn't eat the mushrooms"
Crushers
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2011
- Messages
- 499
A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
"Dancing," she replied.
The first school disco I went to, I got expelled!
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
"Dancing," she replied.
The first school disco I went to, I got expelled!
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
is now my water spout
Time was when on its own
From my trousers it would spring
But now it’s a full time job
just to find the fucking thing!
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave!
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes!
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
is now my water spout
Time was when on its own
From my trousers it would spring
But now it’s a full time job
just to find the fucking thing!
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave!
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes!
Last edited:
silvercruiser
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2010
- Messages
- 3,368
The Original Computer
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy.
You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top ofhis lungs,
"What do you mean $200?"
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top ofhis lungs,
"What do you mean $200?"
chadr
Well-Known Member
[FONT=&]The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”[/FONT]
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”[/FONT]
An elderly Canadian married couple were travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for them to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here" the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for them to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here" the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2013
- Messages
- 16,328
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
