Jokes

[Chas]

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

... Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better lover than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."



Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

 

[Graham]

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better lover than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

.
very good

Gra.

 

[Graham]

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.


A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.




Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.




Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.






For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"









So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

 

[Chas]

Insha'Allah

 

[sae70]

 

[Chas]

Farting at tiffany's





A lady walks into tiffany's .. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it...

as she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if

anyone noticed her little woopsie and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...

as she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her...

good looking as well, . . . Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like tiffany's...



he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, madam .. How may we help you today???



blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident',



she asks, 'sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??'



he answers, "madam .. If you farted just looking at it -



you're going to shit yourself when i tell you the price .."



​

 

[chadr]

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"






And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel ever again!!!



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Just bought the wife a sheepdog fur bra.

"Aww" she said,"Will it keep my breasts warm?"

I said "No but it'll round them up and point them in the right direction."

 

[chadr]

Olympics

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on!!

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Graham]

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humour...



And creative!!!







When U Black, U Black


When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

NOW, You 'white' folks......

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GREY.
So why y'all be callin' us
COLORED Folks?

 

[Graham]

Sorry if you have heard it before



When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how He had sex.


"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.


Jane explained to him what sex was.


Tarzan said "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."



Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will Show you how to do it properly."



She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.




"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."




Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable Manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!



Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.




Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"












Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

 

[Chas]

A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."

And the Scotsman said,


"Why kin they no play at night?

 

[Graham]

Good.

Gra.

 

[Chas]

A bit of divelment

You've got to love the Irish Mammy!
Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.
So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MAMMY,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING
EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?

LOVE PADDY

Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MAM.

 

[Graham]

Sorry Chas, that's an old one

But a good one

Gra.

 

[Annamarie]

 

[chadr]

Air Hostess

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He is stunned by how attractive she is.

He decides because she's that pretty, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, there by impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto "We love to fly and it shows".

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world".

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto "Going beyond expectations".

The woman looks at him and says "What the f&#k do you want?"

"Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

"EasyJet!"

 

[Bungarra]

from another site

three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

 

[chadr]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

 

[Chas]

When Thomson Cruises do shorter trips; they advertise them as Tom Cruises

Today, I got so lost the GPS lady told me to, “Stop and ask for directions.”

I used to have two employees in my fart cushion business, but I had to let one go.

They say that football is a game of two halves. Not for me. I regularly down eight or nine pints while watching a live game on Sky in my local.

Why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder?
There’s no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

Why is Paul McCartney so glum about his new wife?
He has to buy twice the amount of shoes.

If you give a man a fire, he will be warm for a day. If you set a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life.

You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze.

Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

My wife's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again