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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
I know the Donners sewing, but where
Gav Peter
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- Joined
- Mar 1, 2010
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- 4,844
- Country Flag
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A What? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A What? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Andrew Prince
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2010
- Messages
- 2,232
Chas,Cossack said:
"Dawn is nigh" = "donners naai"
Donners means brats/bastards (loosely!)
Naai is a derogatory term for having sex
So the Boer's statement translated is "I know the bastards are having sex, but where?"
Now you know what it's like for us when the Northerners start gabbling
and I know just what you mean about them Northeners. 
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
Oi!!! 
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Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, German
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Gerries, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after,
a story was published in the New York Times: "American
archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 50 years earlier than the Germans".
One week later, the Council in Derbyshire , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Chesterfield, Jack Lucklow, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f *ck
all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had
already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British.
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Gerries, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after,
a story was published in the New York Times: "American
archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 50 years earlier than the Germans".
One week later, the Council in Derbyshire , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Chesterfield, Jack Lucklow, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f *ck
all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had
already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British.
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart.... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'
The priest fainted!
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart.... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'
The priest fainted!
Jimbo4x4
Well-Known Member
Three men are captured by a hoarde of Amazonian women.
The chief Amazonian confronts the men and says, "You are to have your genitals removed according to your job description".
She turns to the first man, "You are a lumberjack, so yours will be chopped off"
To the second man she says, "You are a butcher, so yours will be hacked off"
The third man is in a fit of hysterics, laughing his head off. "What's so funny?" Snapped the Amazonian.
The man wipes his eyes and still giggling says, "I work for Dyson!"
The chief Amazonian confronts the men and says, "You are to have your genitals removed according to your job description".
She turns to the first man, "You are a lumberjack, so yours will be chopped off"
To the second man she says, "You are a butcher, so yours will be hacked off"
The third man is in a fit of hysterics, laughing his head off. "What's so funny?" Snapped the Amazonian.
The man wipes his eyes and still giggling says, "I work for Dyson!"
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Gila River this
morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs
he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also
struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was
strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Arizonan and abiding by the law to help those in distress,
I informed the Maricopa County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps
morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs
he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also
struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was
strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Arizonan and abiding by the law to help those in distress,
I informed the Maricopa County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
I LOVE THIS ONE 
A standard day in the life of a BMW driver!
A day from the diary of a BMW driver...
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways,
which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road!
I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me,
I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on!
(They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.)
But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!
A standard day in the life of a BMW driver!
A day from the diary of a BMW driver...
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways,
which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road!
I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me,
I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on!
(They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.)
But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!
Chas
Well-Known Member
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. At the main desk the lady had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
Professor de Villiers at the University of Cape Town was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably out fishing with his mates!'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably out fishing with his mates!'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
