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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
They sent my Census form back!!
In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I put, 'Asylum seekers, smack heads, unemployable bastards, Northern Rock, RBS and half of f*ck*ng Eastern Europe!'
...apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.
In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I put, 'Asylum seekers, smack heads, unemployable bastards, Northern Rock, RBS and half of f*ck*ng Eastern Europe!'
...apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.
Chas
Well-Known Member
Two blonde's walk up to a perfume counter, the first one picks up a sample bottle sprays it on her wrist and says "That's nice, don't you think Sharon?"
Sharon replies "Yeah, what's it called Tracy"
Tracy replies "Viens a moi"
"Viens a moi, what's that mean then?"
The store assistant says "Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'Come to me'
Sharon takes another sniff and says "That doesn't smell like come to me, does it smell like come to you Tracy?"
Sharon replies "Yeah, what's it called Tracy"
Tracy replies "Viens a moi"
"Viens a moi, what's that mean then?"
The store assistant says "Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'Come to me'
Sharon takes another sniff and says "That doesn't smell like come to me, does it smell like come to you Tracy?"
Annamarie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 713
Dead Cow Lecture
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First year students at the University of Arkansas Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animals' body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the second most important quality is observation. I stick in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First year students at the University of Arkansas Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animals' body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the second most important quality is observation. I stick in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
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Gav Peter
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2010
- Messages
- 4,844
- Country Flag
David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
Your through to PC World technical support how may I help you?
'I am having trouble finding the net' Okay sir no problem. Can I take your name sir. 'Yes. Its Fernando Torres'
Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."
The barman says, "That's not like you."
I've designed some three quarter length baby wear for black babies.
They're called kneegrows
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach,
I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..
Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"
A young Arab asks his father: -
What is this weird hat that we are wearing.
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the f**k are we living in Bradford?
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse
Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your f**king lot."
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse
A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...
Shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....
About 20mins later he gets another call...
Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike
A blind man went 4 a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed & said he wasn’t sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over, he sniffed again & said:
"You can't fool me, it’s an old sh!thouse door off a fishin’ boat!
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth."
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep!"
My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did u say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.
Fernado Torres.....
Not as famous as his brother Clit
A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place!
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere!
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my d*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
Your through to PC World technical support how may I help you?
'I am having trouble finding the net' Okay sir no problem. Can I take your name sir. 'Yes. Its Fernando Torres'
Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."
The barman says, "That's not like you."
I've designed some three quarter length baby wear for black babies.
They're called kneegrows
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach,
I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..
Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"
A young Arab asks his father: -
What is this weird hat that we are wearing.
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the f**k are we living in Bradford?
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse
Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your f**king lot."
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse
A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...
Shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....
About 20mins later he gets another call...
Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike
A blind man went 4 a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed & said he wasn’t sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over, he sniffed again & said:
"You can't fool me, it’s an old sh!thouse door off a fishin’ boat!
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth."
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep!"
My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did u say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.
Fernado Torres.....
Not as famous as his brother Clit
A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place!
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere!
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my d*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
Gav Peter
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2010
- Messages
- 4,844
- Country Flag
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
But she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,"Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen."
Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"F*ck that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You sound English."
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?"
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend ................ yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady is being examined by the doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I've been table ended and backscuttled a few times too!
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.
Under new E.U. law the word "gyppo" is no longer politically correct.
They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Hi. I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department...
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
But she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,"Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen."
Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"F*ck that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You sound English."
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?"
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend ................ yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady is being examined by the doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I've been table ended and backscuttled a few times too!
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.
Under new E.U. law the word "gyppo" is no longer politically correct.
They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Hi. I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department...
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
Velly good..
Chas
Well-Known Member
The USA says sorry, it was all a big mistake;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QICnOV ... re=related
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QICnOV ... re=related
Chas
Well-Known Member
While the C-5 transporter aircraft was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old Marine Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain really a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, the entire crew on this flight are females.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'One other thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old Marine Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain really a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, the entire crew on this flight are females.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'One other thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'
Annamarie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 713
The pencil...
The value of a Catholic education and a pencil!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'
When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again; Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
The value of a Catholic education and a pencil!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'
When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again; Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
Should have mugged him to pay for your wheel bearing 
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
A catholic girl goes for confession & says to the priest, “Father I have sinned”, “I’m pregnant” !
He asks how this could have happened ?
She says, “I think it must be the second coming.”
The priest shocked by this reply asks, “what makes you think it was the second coming? ”
The girl replied,…..“because I swallowed the first !!”
What’s the difference between a pick pocket & a Peeping Tom ?
The thief snatches watches ...!
He asks how this could have happened ?
She says, “I think it must be the second coming.”
The priest shocked by this reply asks, “what makes you think it was the second coming? ”
The girl replied,…..“because I swallowed the first !!”
What’s the difference between a pick pocket & a Peeping Tom ?
The thief snatches watches ...!
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the height, and she gives us the fooken length.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the height, and she gives us the fooken length.
Annamarie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 713
Spaghetti
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted..
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without..
Send extra sauce
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted..
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without..
Send extra sauce
Chas
Well-Known Member
NOTICE TO ALL CITIZENS
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Goverment has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Goverment deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse)
or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Goverment.
However, persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Goverment has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely yours,
The committee for the
ECONOMIC VALUE OF INDIVIDUAL LIVES
(EVIL).
P.S. Due to the most recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL has been turned off.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Goverment has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Goverment deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse)
or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Goverment.
However, persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Goverment has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely yours,
The committee for the
ECONOMIC VALUE OF INDIVIDUAL LIVES
(EVIL).
P.S. Due to the most recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL has been turned off.
