Jokes

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A policeman radios into headquarters
"hello sarge is that you "
" yes - go ahead "
" we have a case here, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped clean "
"have you arrested the woman "

" no sir the floor is still wet "

 

[Lyn]

A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm and asks the barman for a pint, the barman tells the guy "you can't bring a crocodile in here" so the guy tells him that the croc is his party trick. Let's see then says the barman, so the guy puts his d___k in the croc's mouth and wacks the croc on the nose with a length of 2x2. The croc's jaws shudder but don't close. Amazing say's the barman. So the guy calls out to everyone in the bar inviting them to have a go, so an old lady in the corner put's her hand up but asks if he could not hit her as hard as he hit the croc!!!

 

[Chas]

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The heart surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The heart surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new”

“So how come I only make £39,675 a year and you make £1,500,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...

“Try doing it with the engine running”.

 

[Bungarra]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him."Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?""Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality..""Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?""Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!""Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 

[Chas]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

[Chas]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers,

so I did....


























she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

 

[Blown80]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide , they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.


At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married
to the same woman all these years.


Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka
her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'


The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'


Giuseppe proudly replied,
"I gonna go picka her up."

 

[Chas]

My wife just asked me, "If we went to Morocco, can we go on a camel?"

I said, "Fuck off, it would take ages to get there on a camel."

 

[Chas]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"
Putinsays "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the dinner bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions,
Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troopsto the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And where is Sasha?"

 

[Pat]

Saturday morning the weather was too bad to play golf.
I Was bored with nothing to do.Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
I opened it to find a young well dressed man standing there who said " Hello sir,I'm a Jehovah's witnes"
So I said " Come in and sit down"
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked,"What do you want to talk about?"
He said,"Beats the shit out of me.Nobody's ever let me in before"

 

[Pat]

How to tell if a monkey really likes you.
It's a wonder the girlfriend could hold the camera steady. And he didn't know until he saw the photo.

 

[Chas]

How to tell if a monkey really likes you.
It's a wonder the girlfriend could hold the camera steady. And he didn't know until he saw the photo.
View attachment 19591

Hahaha, that ought to be in Funny pictures. I presume you didn't swallow.

 

[Chas]

I went to the chemists this morning and asked for 50 condoms.

The girl winked at me and said, "Oh, someone has a busy weekend ahead of them!"

"Yes," I said. "I'm making a raincoat for my pet snake."

_____________________________________________________________________

For their re-opening, Alton Towers are looking for a name to reflect their new image.

My suggestion of "Faulty Towers" was promptly rejected.

_____________________________________________________________________

Did you hear about the American blonde who thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.

 

[Bungarra]

The only cow in a small town in the Latrobe Valley in the Australian state of Victoria, stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Woy Woy in New South Wales for $500.00. They bought the cow from Woy Woy and the cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased – Yes! Very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.

They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the local veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away,” they said. “If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.”

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, “Did you buy this cow in Woy Woy?”

The people were dumbfounded because they had never mentioned to the vet where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Woy Woy?”



The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye. “My wife is from Woy Woy!”

 

[Paddler Ed]

The only cow in a small town in the Latrobe Valley in the Australian state of Victoria, stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Woy Woy in New South Wales for $500.00. They bought the cow from Woy Woy and the cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased – Yes! Very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.

They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the local veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away,” they said. “If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.”

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, “Did you buy this cow in Woy Woy?”

The people were dumbfounded because they had never mentioned to the vet where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Woy Woy?”



The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye. “My wife is from Woy Woy!”

That's a lie about that area... there's a reason why short shorts are called Gosford Shorts... they're just below The Entrance...

https://goo.gl/maps/W58SF

 

[Pat]

There's a hell of a lot of wives who come from WoyWoy

 

[Chas]

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The American squad leader turns to the British officer and says, "My Marines are much braver than your SAS."

"I doubt that very much," says the SAS officer.

"They are much braver," says the American. "Watch this."

The American squad leader turns to one of his Marines and shouts,"SERGEANT!! Climb to the very top of that building and jump off."

"SIR, YES SIR," shouts the sergeant. The sergeant runs inside the building, runs to top and, without a second's thought, jumps off the top of the building and smashes into the ground. He survives but is very badly injured and gets taken away on a stretcher. The American leader turns to the SAS officer and says, "Now that's bravery."

"Yeah? Well watch this," says the British officer. He turns to his men and bellows at the top of his voice, "YOU, PRIVATE, CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THAT BUILDING AND JUMP OFF."

The private looks at the officer and says, "Sir, GO FUCK YOURSELF,Sir."

The Officer turns around to the American and says, "Now THAT'S fucking bravery."

 

[Chas]

A man gets stopped by a fisheries warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: No sir. These are all my pet fish.

Warden: Your pet fish? How's that?

Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a swim in the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.

Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!

Man: Here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)

Warden: Well this I got to see!!

5 minutes later...

Warden: Well?

Man: What?

Warden: The fish!! Where's your pet fish?

Man: What fish?

 

[froggy Steve]

nice one!

 

[Bungarra]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.







After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"







The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....... Why?"







The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"







The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was close to death from heat exhaustion.







The Lone Ranger got the horse watered and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.







The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to cool down and feel better."







Tonto said, "Sure, no worries Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.







Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.







A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"











Ya left your injun runnin!"