Jokes

[Sag]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback - because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party, who I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery ?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

 

[Sag]

An old sailor was admitted to a hospital .
Upon washing him, the elderly night-nurse noticed a tattoo on his penis that said Adam.
The next day she told the young day-nurse about the sailor's tattoo.
That's funny said the young nurse, "when I washed him, the tattoo said Amsterdam."

 

[Sag]

A man was stopped by cops on M6 after being clocked doing 120mph......
The cop says... give me one good reason for that speed......
The man says...2 months ago my wife ran off with a traffic cop,when I saw you behind,
I thought you were bringing the Friggging wife back

 

[Sag]

Morning Sex "

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[Chas]

A Jewish husband and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados, no more
summers in Tuscany , no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on hisarm.


"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife

 

[Sag]

Test your General Knowledge................

You only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?



3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?



7) What was King George VI's first name?



8) What colour is a purple finch?



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?



10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.



Check your answers below ....











ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?



Me, too!

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

 

[Sag]

Old age

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there..

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

 

[Chas]

What do you mean, you failed?



Me, too!

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

Failed too, only got two right, King Georges real name and aircraft black box.

 

[Chas]

MEET JACK SCHITT...


Jack was the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt, and he has an interesting family tree:
In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe Schitt produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt
Fulla Schitt
Giva Schitt
Bull Schitt and the twins: Dip Schitt and Deep Schitt.
Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schitt", and she married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them"The Schitts". Their marriage produced no little Schitts.

The other twin, Deep Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: "Smell Like Schitt". Interestingly, that' slogan only worked in the United States, and different slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on your pits." When the company launched it's product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: "Smell Like Schitt Down Under".
But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern woman, she decided to hyphenate her married name. She become Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady named Loda. The blushing bride, Loda Schitt, produced a son of nervous disposition, whom they named Chicken Schitt.
Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and Ugglee Schitt.
These athletic brothers, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony.
The "Schitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also produced many offspring:
Dawg Schitt
Byrd Schitt
Hoarse Schitt
and Pigh Schitt
But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with his newest bride, Pisa.
Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schitt, are living without children in New Jersey on property which contains a stream, now known to the locals as "Schitt Creek."

(From now on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!)

 

[Pat]

That`s a classic.My wife and I laughed our heads off.I used to be known as either fulla or bull so maybe there`s a relationship in the past.Pat

 

[Bungarra]

A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that paddock over there...", and he nodded his head towards the location.
The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!". Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR f**kING BADGE!"

 

[Gary Stockton]

Probably been posted before but apt given the time of year ...

Bruce, an Aussie, landed at Heathrow to watch Australia in the Ashes series and not feeling too well went to see a doctor.

The doctor gave him a thorough check up and informed him he had prostate problems and the only cure was an immediate testicular removal.

"No way doc! I'm here for the Test series and I'm getting a second opinion" said Bruce.

The second English doctor gave Bruce the same diagnosis and said that testicular removal was the only cure. Bruce refused the treatment.

Bruce was devastated but on the morning of the First Test he found an Australian doctor and decided to get one last opinion.

The diagnosis was the same, "You've got prostate sickness mate!"

"What's the cure then doc? "asked Bruce, hoping for a different answer.

"Well " said the doc "we're going to have to cut off your balls"

"Phew, thank god for that" said Bruce "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my Test tickets off me!"

 

[Gary Stockton]

Donating blood in Scotland ...

A wealthy Arab Sheik wasadmitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctorsneeded to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a raretype of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman waslocated who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood forthe Arab.
After the surgery, the Arabsent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats ofdiamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later,once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned theScotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a boxof Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shockedthat the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab andasked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give meanother BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and abox of chocolates."


To this the Arab replied:"Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

 

[Gary Stockton]

Not a joke so much really but really intriguing anyway - Tchaikovsky like you've not heard ...

http://youtu.be/QdoTdG_VNV4

 

[Chas]

That is quite fantastic, thanks Gary.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Guy goes into a Muslim book shop & asks for the book on Australian immigration policy.
The owner says "fuck off, get out & stay out"
The guy says "yeah, that's the one"

 

[Chas]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks?

Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks."

I rest my case

 

[Chas]

There was an old Pirate Cap'n talking to a cabin boy who was asking him about all his battles and the wounds and injuries he had got fighting them.
He asked how he only had one leg and a peg leg,
Ah lad! he said that be blowed off by a cannon ball, the lad said and how did you lose your hand and now you have a hook?
Ah lad! that got chopped of by a sabre when we was boarding a ship, and how did you lose your eye Cap'n?
Well lad that be shat on by a seagull.
What said the lad just a bit of seagull shit?
Well said the old pirate you see boy it was me first day with the hook.

 

[Blown80]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

The Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied, 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled... 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is...'