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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Chas - you’ve nicked Andy’s joke book haven’t you... admit it !!
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I recently sat next to a man on a Ryanair flight who was shouting racist abuse and using foul language.
Sometimes, It's hard being a co - pilot.
Sometimes, It's hard being a co - pilot.
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Woman with light hair to man; " do you have any children?"
Man; " yes, one thats under two".
Same woman : " Look, I may be blond but I know how many bloody one is"
Man; " yes, one thats under two".
Same woman : " Look, I may be blond but I know how many bloody one is"
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2 Irishmen park their car, shut the door then realise they have locked the keys inside. Paddy says "We could get a coat hanger and try to unlock it or prise the door open." Mick said "Well whatever we do, we better hurry, it's starting to rain & the fecking top's still down.
A new Blonde joke on me.
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokers and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokers and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
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Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that 12 children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie).
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.
The agent asked:"How many children do you have?”
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words, and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers
When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that 12 children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie).
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.
The agent asked:"How many children do you have?”
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words, and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers
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Boy: “Dad, where did you learn to sing in harmony with other people?” Father: “In Uni, son”
Male nurse says to his young female colleague that while giving a bed bath to Mr Jones in bed 2, he had noticed that he had "Ludo" tattooed on his penis.
The next day the female nurse gives Mr Jones a bed bath.
Well did you notice the tattoo? The male nurse asked.
Yes she replied, but it's not Ludo it's Llandudno.
The next day the female nurse gives Mr Jones a bed bath.
Well did you notice the tattoo? The male nurse asked.
Yes she replied, but it's not Ludo it's Llandudno.
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Sad to hear that the Dutch inventor of inflatable shoes has popped his clogs.
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
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A truck carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the M62. Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers.
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"Wait a minute, where's the triangle player gone?"
- Conductor of the Bermuda Philharmonic.
- Conductor of the Bermuda Philharmonic.
Don't get mad, get even!
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit here?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice,
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice,
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? .... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit here?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice,
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice,
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? .... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people
