March Smiles

[Gary Stockton]

A newly married couple are in the nuptial suite at their chosen location. The proud new husband strips off his trousers, throws them to his bride and says:

"Here, sweetie, put these on."

She looks at them and says
"But I can't wear those!!"

He replies "and that's how it is - I wear the trousers around here, and don't you forget it ...!!"

So she whips off her flimsy silk knickers, throws them to her husband, and says:

"Here, sweetheart - try these on!"

He says "Don't be stupid - I can't get into those ..."

her reply:

"And that's how it'll be while your cr@ppy attitude remains!!"

 

[Guest]

Two 'Ladies of the night' were talking, and one said "I must have been up those stairs to my flat 20 times today" and the other one said "Ooh! your poor feet"

 

[Gary Stockton]

The Psychiatrist and Proctologist
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read:
"Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to:
"Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go. Next, they tried:
"Manic Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

Thumbs down again. Then came:
"Minds and Behinds."

Still no good. Another attempt resulted in:
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

Unacceptable again! So they tried:
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."

Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.

 

[Chas]

An elderly Frenchman who lived on the outskirts of Les Sables d'Olonne, France in 1965 went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked
urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

[Ecky Thump]

A Cockney and a Geordie sitting on a bench looking out to sea, the Cockney asks, why do scuba divers fall backwards to get into the sea?
The Geordie replied " cos if they fell forward they would still be in the f***ing boat! "
easy

 

[Chas]

THE AFRICAN IMMIGRANT

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Daily Mail reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the Daily Mail, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page.
What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?'
'A Triumph and I vote Labour'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The Daily Mail to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

LABOUR SUPPORTING BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

 

[Jon Wildsmith]

from a txt:

Man sat on a towel on the beach. He had no arms or legs. 3 women walked past and felt sorry for him. 1st woman said have you ever had a hug? He said No, she hugged him and walked on. 2nd woman said have you ever had a kiss? He said No, so she kissed him and walked on. 3rd woman said have you ever been f***ed? He said No, she said you will be when the tide comes in.

 

[Chas]

On the train home from work last night I went to the toilet and there was a sign that read 'only toilet paper to be flushed down the toilet'.

I didn't want to get into trouble so I played it safe and crapped in the sink.

Chas

 

[Chas]

Apple have released a new gadget exclusively for women.
It's called the iRon.