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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Last Saturday night we were dressed and ready to go out to a party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
Because we knew we would be having a few drinks, we phoned a cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon - ' He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later I get into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long,' I said as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
Because we knew we would be having a few drinks, we phoned a cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon - ' He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later I get into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long,' I said as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Priceless.
chadr
Well-Known Member
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
My First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those
days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of
item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young
lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole
procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear
one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on
tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she
looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a
minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my
hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed
it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it
was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped
her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come
on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that,
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done
within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on, Don?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up
my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me.... Women have
always been hard for me to figure out.
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those
days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of
item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young
lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole
procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear
one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on
tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she
looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a
minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my
hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed
it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it
was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped
her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come
on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that,
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done
within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on, Don?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up
my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me.... Women have
always been hard for me to figure out.
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Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
A teacher draws a picture of a penis on the black board during a sex education class in a junior school.
She asks the class "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Timmy shouts out "Yes, I do, my dad has two of them."
"Two?" the teacher replies " Are you sure?"
"Yes" replies Timmy, " A small one he wee's with and a large one he cleans the baby sitters teeth with".
She asks the class "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Timmy shouts out "Yes, I do, my dad has two of them."
"Two?" the teacher replies " Are you sure?"
"Yes" replies Timmy, " A small one he wee's with and a large one he cleans the baby sitters teeth with".
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon .. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon .. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.
But the one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.
But the one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. John frowned as he noted what was happening. It seems the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But then John began to smile. To his amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. This clever trick allowed Butch to sneak up on one pullet after another and have his way with them!
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair. Old Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. John frowned as he noted what was happening. It seems the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But then John began to smile. To his amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. This clever trick allowed Butch to sneak up on one pullet after another and have his way with them!
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair. Old Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
Get ready to groan again Paul,
Sam and Sally Clam live at the bottom of the sea and they are wild for dancing and go every night to Sam's disco club. Well, life is good until one day, poor Sally buys the farm and floats up to heaven.
At the entrance St. Peter tells her all the rules, hands her a harp that she has to keep with her at all times, and tells her to have a good time. It's okay for a while, but as with ALL dancers, even dead clam dancers, she misses her former life and all the fun times out on the floor with her partner, Sam.
After much moping around, Sally finally gets permission to go back to earth for ONE day, but she has to be back in heaven by the last stroke of midnight. So, she's off! She finds Sam and they're having a great time - double spins, reverse London Bridge, slithers up and down - until BONG! BONG - it's midnight!
Sally races back up to heaven, where she is greeted by St. Peter who has a TERRIBLE look on his face!
"WHERE IS YOUR HARP?"
"OH NO! I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM CLAM'S DISCO!"
Sam and Sally Clam live at the bottom of the sea and they are wild for dancing and go every night to Sam's disco club. Well, life is good until one day, poor Sally buys the farm and floats up to heaven.
At the entrance St. Peter tells her all the rules, hands her a harp that she has to keep with her at all times, and tells her to have a good time. It's okay for a while, but as with ALL dancers, even dead clam dancers, she misses her former life and all the fun times out on the floor with her partner, Sam.
After much moping around, Sally finally gets permission to go back to earth for ONE day, but she has to be back in heaven by the last stroke of midnight. So, she's off! She finds Sam and they're having a great time - double spins, reverse London Bridge, slithers up and down - until BONG! BONG - it's midnight!
Sally races back up to heaven, where she is greeted by St. Peter who has a TERRIBLE look on his face!
"WHERE IS YOUR HARP?"
"OH NO! I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM CLAM'S DISCO!"
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
Jehovah Witness
There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about"?
He said, " Fucked if I know, I've never got this far before".
There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about"?
He said, " Fucked if I know, I've never got this far before".
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
This is a real tough one!!
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in London. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is............................................................
...................It's Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza (the hook handed bastard)
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men!
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in London. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is............................................................
...................It's Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza (the hook handed bastard)
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men!
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
Scientists at Rolls Royce had built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. So, arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. So, arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
