Jokes

[Chas]

Old Rugby Players Never Die ...

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday."

 

[clivehorridge]

 

[Pat]

my old mates will love this.

 

[Chas]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops"

 

[Chas]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it....
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

[StarCruiser]

Like it Chas, like it!! [emoji4]

 

[Chas]

 

[Chas]

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks the father:
“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers.
“Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” ...
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. Just then The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willys are there?”
The mother smiles and says,
“Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree - mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

[Chas]

A Scotsman is visiting a Canadian bar. He notices the animal heads on the walls. 'Wha's tha' aan?' he asks the barman. 'It's a moose' says the barman. 'Fook me', says the Scotsman. 'Hae big are ya cats?!'

 

[Chas]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they realise who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,

"Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

 

[Pat]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they realise who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,

"Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

Chas,I was taught by Irish nuns and I can't quite see Sister Euphemia giving that same reply but I bet she would giggle,quietly.

 

[Chas]

I've just realised why the Americans name huricanes after women ... when they come they're wet & warm but when they go they take your house & car with them!

 

[Chas]

An old sailor was admitted to a hospital .


Upon washing him, the elderly night-nurse noticed a tattoo on his penis that said Adam.

The next day she told the young blonde day-nurse about the sailor's tattoo.

That's funny said the young nurse, "when I washed him, the tattoo said Amsterdam."

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Viagra won't make you James Bond, But......












it will make you "Roger Moore"

 

[clivehorridge]

Viagra won't make you James Bond, But......
it will make you "Roger Moore"

Better than "Little Richard"...

 

[Chas]

Talking of Viagra,

An old man went to his Doctor for some Viagra, the Doctor said "At your age Viagra could be dangerous" the old man said "But I'll only take half a tablet" The Doctor replied "But you won't get a full erection with a half" the old man said "That's OK, I only need enough to stop peeing on my slippers"

 

[Chas]

VISITING THE ZOO . . .

“And in the next cage, ladies and gentlemen, we have the po-alar bear.”

..... “The po-alar bear?”

“Yes, madam, the po-alar bear. It lives at the North Pole.”

..... “Sounds very cold and nasty. Does anyone else live at the North Pole?”

“Yes, madam. At one side of the North Pole lives a Canadian lady. And she keeps a private school for little Eskimo children.”

....“That’s it?”

“No madam. At the other side of the North Pole lives a Russian lady, and she also keeps a private school for little Russian children.”

..... “So what about the po-alar bear, then?”

“Well madam, it spends all day long sliding up and down the North Pole keeping its private school.”

 

[clivehorridge]

Cool...

 

[Paddler Ed]

Care of Farcebook... not sure if a true story or not, but gave me a laugh

"Several days ago as I left the Bunnings in Rocky, to walk out to my ute and was reaching into my pocket from my car keys... got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal pat down, other pockets, shirt pocket, not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into Bunnings . I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting, nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys... nope. Then it hit me, I must have left them in the ute. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside Bunnings.
My wife, Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of Bunnings and out into the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty, no ute
I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the ute, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the ute, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Faye's voice.
"Kris," she barked, "I dropped you off at Bunnings on my way to the grocery store!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"
Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these coppers I have not stolen your fucking ute!"

 

[Blown80]

The 'I' in this story is not me......
Get a tissue ready for the tears of laughter.


I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to mess yourself' chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Wats on's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbours as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Asda grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile smell might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilets, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mass explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my God!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled trolley
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Tesco's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.