Don't like the adverts? Click here to remove them
Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Can't believe my second post is a joke but here goes. From a friend in NY.
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven, said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!"
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven, said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!"
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT]
A couple had been married for 50 years so to celebrate they went back to the hotel they were at on their honeymoon.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think honey, we've been married now for 50 years."
"Yes," she replied, "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "Do you remember what we did after breakfast?”
“I do” she said, “We went to the field out back and made mad passionate love”
“What say we do that again?” said the old man.
“OK” said the wife.
What they didn’t realise though was that this had been overheard by a chap at the next table who thought to himself, I’ve got to see this and followed them out.
They went to the field where he watched them, the old lady pulled her skirt up and the old men approached her from behind, she leant forward and held onto the fence in front of her and all hell broke loose.
The old man was like a rampant young bull for about 15 minutes then they both collapsed exhausted on the ground.
The chap watching was astounded that an old couple could perform like that, he had to know their secret, so he said to the old man “Please excuse me for interrupting, but how are you able to keep that up after 50 years of marriage.”
The old man thought for a while and said,
.
.
.
.
“Well son, 50 years ago that fence wasn’t electrified.”
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
Did you know that Phil Spector's brother Crispin is head of quality control at Walkers Crisps?
Don't like the adverts? Click here to remove them
Had to read that twice!
- Joined
- Jul 26, 2012
- Messages
- 2,739
- Country Flag
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma' am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.'
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma' am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.'
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline.....what's the problem Cobber ?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp and her snatch has completely closed up !"
"Bummer mate....."
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp and her snatch has completely closed up !"
"Bummer mate....."
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."
Back-door humour... 
My wife has these days when she wants "us to talk about things".
We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn I asked her
"What will you do if I die before you do?"
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"
I replied, "Probably the same thing."
We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn I asked her
"What will you do if I die before you do?"
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"
I replied, "Probably the same thing."
Always thought the antipodeans were a bunch of sheep-shaggers - good to have it confirmed from the sheep's gut, as it were ... 
Pat
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2014
- Messages
- 932
- Country Flag
My Godfather,I'm lost for words at the sheer effrontery of these baseless comments when we know this all started when the ships carried convicts and sheep from Mother England to Van Diemans Land.Needless to say that on those long voyages the boys did play.
Blown80
Well-Known Member
That is funny Shayne. Tell her we'll get to them later, but for now while I'm on a roll....
How to speak New Zealand
Say out loud for full effect!
Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast
How to speak New Zealand
Say out loud for full effect!
Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast
