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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
lol
Chas
Well-Known Member
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked up a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my little brother, he's only four.
We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either."
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my little brother, he's only four.
We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either."
I've just bought a car with "Stop Start" technology.
And next to those two pedals is the clutch...................
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.
An optimist walks into a bar.
"I'll have a free pint, please."
I was in bed with the wife.
She said, "Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."
I said, "I didn't say anything."
She said, "I wasn't talking to you."
I've been unlucky all my life. Even when I was young and we played Doctors and Nurses, I was a porter
I went on one of those singles nights. I ended up in bed with a triangular shaped piece of soft cheese.
How many naked glamour models does it take to change a light bulb?
If you know the answer to that, fair play to you.
I had my annual check up at the doctors today and she told me I should stop masturbating.
When I asked her why? She said "because you are making the desk wobble"
I walked into a Pizza Hut the other day.
"Hi, do you sell cream teas here?" I asked."No, this is Pizza Hut. Maybe you should have gone to Specsavers," I was told rudely.
So the next day, I took their advice and went to Specsavers early in the morning.
"Hello, do you sell cream teas here?"
After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, I said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?""I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."
I said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away."
"Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?"
And next to those two pedals is the clutch...................
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.
An optimist walks into a bar.
"I'll have a free pint, please."
I was in bed with the wife.
She said, "Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."
I said, "I didn't say anything."
She said, "I wasn't talking to you."
I've been unlucky all my life. Even when I was young and we played Doctors and Nurses, I was a porter
I went on one of those singles nights. I ended up in bed with a triangular shaped piece of soft cheese.
How many naked glamour models does it take to change a light bulb?
If you know the answer to that, fair play to you.
I had my annual check up at the doctors today and she told me I should stop masturbating.
When I asked her why? She said "because you are making the desk wobble"
I walked into a Pizza Hut the other day.
"Hi, do you sell cream teas here?" I asked."No, this is Pizza Hut. Maybe you should have gone to Specsavers," I was told rudely.
So the next day, I took their advice and went to Specsavers early in the morning.
"Hello, do you sell cream teas here?"
After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, I said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?""I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."
I said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away."
"Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?"
My wife is leaving me because of my constant jokes about the size of her vagina.
I'm just glad she didn't give me a massive clout before she left.
Can't wait for the Tourette's 100m final in the Paralympics, on your marks, get set, f**k off
Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 outside London and nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the Members of Parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom! Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
"Roughly a gallon."
If 666 is considered evil, is 25.8069 the root of all evil?
I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.
I plan to sell the secret to Domestos.
I'm just glad she didn't give me a massive clout before she left.
Can't wait for the Tourette's 100m final in the Paralympics, on your marks, get set, f**k off
Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 outside London and nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the Members of Parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom! Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
"Roughly a gallon."
If 666 is considered evil, is 25.8069 the root of all evil?
I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.
I plan to sell the secret to Domestos.
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craigderby
New Member
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to High Wycombe and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a PCSO writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to High Wycombe and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a PCSO writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Chas
Well-Known Member
By the time a Soldier pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded to the Manager of a hotel. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. When I told him about his snoring he got very angry. I'm not sure you be able to have a good nights sleep."
"No problem," the tired Soldier assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Soldier came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Soldier explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded to the Manager of a hotel. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. When I told him about his snoring he got very angry. I'm not sure you be able to have a good nights sleep."
"No problem," the tired Soldier assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Soldier came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Soldier explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Chas
Well-Known Member
COLIN THE ABORIGINE
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin killed the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks... I don't need it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a shine new Rolex?'
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what would you really like, anything?
Colin said,
'What I'd really like is the drongo who pushed me in.'
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin killed the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks... I don't need it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a shine new Rolex?'
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what would you really like, anything?
Colin said,
'What I'd really like is the drongo who pushed me in.'
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Lol
Are you aware of this posted on FaceBook;
Richard Neill to Bodyform 8 October at 21:30 via Mobile
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------*-----
Hi , as a man I must ask why you have lied to us for all these years . As a child I watched your advertisements with interest as to how at this wonderful time of the month that the female gets to enjoy so many things ,I felt a little jealous. I mean bike riding , rollercoasters, dancing, parachuting, why couldn't I get to enjoy this time of joy and 'blue water' and wings !! Dam my penis!! Then I got a girlfriend, was so happy and couldn't wait for this joyous adventurous time of the month to happen .....you lied !! There was no joy , no extreme sports , no blue water spilling over wings and no rocking soundtrack oh no no no. Instead I had to fight against every male urge I had to resist screaming wooaaahhhhh bodddyyyyyyfooorrrmmm bodyformed for youuuuuuu as my lady changed from the loving , gentle, normal skin coloured lady to the little girl from the exorcist with added venom and extra 360 degree head spin. Thanks for setting me up for a fall bodyform , you crafty bugger
And here's the reply he got from BodyForm;
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Graham
Well-Known Member
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"
Before her mother could raise a concern,
Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Mum fainted.
Before her mother could raise a concern,
Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Mum fainted.
Graham
Well-Known Member
[FONT=&]Never, Never, Never,[/FONT][FONT=&]
[/FONT][FONT=&]EVER ...[/FONT][FONT=&]
[/FONT][FONT=&]And I re-peat........E V E R[/FONT][FONT=&]
[/FONT][FONT=&]
[/FONT][FONT=&]Tell A Woman[/FONT][FONT=&]
[/FONT][FONT=&]She Can't Cook !!!
[/FONT]
[FONT=&]
[/FONT][FONT=&]
[/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT=&]EVER ...[/FONT][FONT=&]
[/FONT][FONT=&]And I re-peat........E V E R[/FONT][FONT=&]
[/FONT][FONT=&]
[/FONT][FONT=&]Tell A Woman[/FONT][FONT=&]
[/FONT][FONT=&]She Can't Cook !!!
[/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT=&]
[/FONT]
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Graham
Well-Known Member
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| *Subject: 2+2+2=7 You gotta love him!* **Teacher**: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? **Johnny**: Seven, Sir. **Teacher**: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? **Johnny**: Seven **Teacher**: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have? **Johnny**: Six. *Teacher**: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? **Johnny**: Seven!!! **A very angry Teacher**: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!? **A very angry Johnny**: Because,....I've already got a blerry' cat!!!** |
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