Jokes

[Chas]

.
.
[FONT=&quot]Brilliant! ... Why didn't I think of that! [/FONT]

Pictures aren't showing for me Graham.

 

[Graham]

Pictures aren't showing for me Graham.

.
I tried again, maybe they were just showing on my pc.

Gra.

 

[Gary Stockton]

Nope - no pics ...

 

[Graham]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern,
Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."








Mum fainted.

 

[Graham]

[FONT=&amp]Brilliant! ... Why didn't I think of that! [/FONT]

 

[Chas]

[FONT=&amp]Brilliant! ... Why didn't I think of that! [/FONT]

Clever, I might just do that myself.

 

[Graham]

[FONT=&amp]Never, Never, Never,[/FONT][FONT=&amp]



[/FONT][FONT=&amp]EVER ...[/FONT][FONT=&amp]



[/FONT][FONT=&amp]And I re-peat........E V E R[/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Tell A Woman[/FONT][FONT=&amp]



[/FONT][FONT=&amp]She Can't Cook !!![/FONT]

 

[Chas]

Ouch! I see it's well seasoned though.

 

[Annamarie]

Brilliant! ... Why didn't I think of that!

 

[Philip A]

Had to get rid of my first wife due to her lack of culture.

She thought that Coo-king and Fu-king were two cities in China...

 

[Chris Green90]

she was only the...

1. admiral’s daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.
2. astronaut’s daughter, but she knew how to take off.
3. athlete’s daughter, but she was always ready to play ball.
4. barman’s daughter, but she knew how to pull them.
5. blacksmith’s daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead.
6. bookbinder’s daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.
7. bricklayer’s daughter, but she was certainly stacked.
8. butcher’s daughter, but there wasn’t much more she could loin.
9. cattleman’s daughter, but she couldn’t keep her calves together.
10. carpenter’s daughter, but you should have seen her circular sores!
11. carpenter’s daughter, but she always had tools in her box!
12. cave man’s daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur.
13. chimney sweep’s daughter, but she could haul ash.
14. clergyman’s daughter, but you couldn’t put anything pastor.
15. cobbler’s daughter, but she was built to last.
16. communist’s daughter, but all the boys got a share.
17. doctor’s daughter, but she really knew how to operate.
18. draughtman’s daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line.
19. electrician’s daughter, but she had good connections.
20. electrician’s daughter, but she light up half the town.
21. farmer’s daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilize.
22. film censor’s daughter, but she didn’t know when to cut it out.
23. fisherman’s daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines.
24. fishmonger’s daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.
25. flag-waver’s daughter, but she’d let her standards down for anyone.
26. florist’s daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.
27. fruit vendor’s daughter, but she certainly had a pail.
28. ganger’s daughter, but she knew the fettlers length.
29. garageman’s daughter, but she didn’t like the smell of bFredls!
30. gravedigger’s daughter, but anyone cadaver.
31. gravedigger’s daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.
32. green grocer’s daughter, but her melons were the juiciest in town!
33. insurance broker’s daughter, but all the guys liked her policy.
34. jockey’s daughter, but all the horse manure.
35. lighthouse keeper’s daughter, but she never went out at night.
36. milkman’s daughter, but she was cream of the crop.
37. moonshiner’s daughter, but i love her still.
38. musician’s daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.
39. optician’s daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself.
40. parachutist’s daughter, but she was free-4-all
41. philanthropist’s daughter, but she kept giving things away.
42. photographer’s daughter, but she was really developed.
43. pitcher’s daughter, but you should have seen her curves.
44. plumber’s daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures.
45. pilot’s daughter, but she always kept her cockpit clean.
46. postman’s daughter, but she always had mail in her box.
47. professor’s daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson.
48. real estate agent’s daughter, but she gave a lot away.
49. road worker’s daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.
50. statistician’s daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
51. steelworker’s daughter, but you should see that pig iron.
52. telegrapher’s daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit....
53. tree feller’s daughter, but t’ree fellas were never enough for her.
54. undertaker’s daughter, but she knew how to bury a stiff.
55. vacuum salesman’s daughter, but she knew how to suck!
56. violinist’s daughter, but she took off her g-string and all the boys fiddled.
57. weatherman’s daughter, but she sure had a warm front.
58. wood-chopper’s daughter, but you could hear her ring-barking for miles.

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

A man is in bed with his lover, who also happens to be his wifes best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings.
Since it's the man's house, he picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing his side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
He hangs up the telephone and his lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" he replies, "That was my wife telling me all about the wonderful time she's having on her shopping trip with you."

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

The Ultimate Australian chat-up line

A bloke was standing at a bar, and this beautiful woman comes and sits beside him, so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe".

"Oh?," She exclaims " You mean I'm small and cute?"

"Naaah!" he says," I`ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"

 

[Chas]

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting, in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.


"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[Chas]

Hello and thank you for calling The County Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:


If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 0. If you have short-term memory loss, press 0. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 0.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll only mess it up.

 

[Graham]

I like it Chas,

makes me laugh.

Gra.

 

[Graham]

[FONT=&quot]While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The old rancher said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Best explanation I've heard yet.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[Graham]

[FONT=&quot]Son said to Dad I'm Gay.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Dad looks at his other son and said What about you?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Other son said Me too Dad.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Dad said I don’t believe it, doesn't anyone in this family like women?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Daughter said I do[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]