Jokes

[moggy1968]

One of my m8's now living in America sent me this the other day and I thought it would tickle a few on here

Duz tha speak Yorkshire?

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

.............................................................................

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

.............................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.............................................................................

The last is always best

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

southerner goes in to a general store in Yorkshire

'have you got any turps?'
'Video turps or audio turps?'

 

[Bungarra]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, Walked into a bar in Dublin ..

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a woman drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

"Give the ballerina a drink!"


The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"


Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another Drink!"


The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"




The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

[Chas]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something

wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer would embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter

 

[clivehorridge]

 

[andyw]

The old ones are the best, http://www.landcruiserclub.net/forums/showthread.php/48903-Have-another?highlight=dick

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something

wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer would embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter

 

[Chas]

I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really brutal ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "Give me your number sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes"

I replied "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

 

[joinerman]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Katie went straight to her grand parents to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning".
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly a 100 years old having sex is just asking for trouble, "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing to strenuous, simply in on the ding and out with the dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that ******** Ice cream van had not come along."

 

[Leopard]

They say 90% of all Land Rovers manufactured are still on the road.
The other 10% have reached their destination.

Land Rovers are just like married women…
They moan on long journeys, embarrass you in front of friends and you spend more money than you ever expected once you've committed yourself to one.

Traffic cops congratulate you when they issue you a speeding ticket!

Why do Land Rovers have jerry cans and gas bottles fitted?
So that the driver can make coffee while waiting for AA road assistance.

Land Rovers have the best fuel consumption of all 4x4s.
That's because they are always being towed by other vehicles.

Why do Land Rovers always drive in convoy?
They are playing ‘Who’s The Weakest Link?’

Ever wondered why the models are called Series 90, Defender 110, etc?
Those numbers in the model name indicate their top speeds!

When you drive on a toll road, you’ll notice these yellow emergency phones next to the road. Stop and look closer. On the phones there are four emergency numbers listed: Police, ambulance, fire and… Land Rover Service!

Q: What do you find on page 4 and 5 of a Land Rover Owner's Manual?
A: The train & bus timetable.

Q: What is the sport version of a Land Rover?
A: When the driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What do you call a Land Rover with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you do if your Landy gets surrounded by a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge inside the vehicle.

Q. Why do the latest models have rear window demisters?
A. To keep your hands warm when pushing.

Land Rover dealers have a special promotion this month… Buy one, and you get a dog for free!! Then you don’t have to walk home alone!

 

[Chas]

I hope this is not seen as racist.


A journalist was on holiday when she heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray twice every day for years.
She decides to check him out.
She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is, walking slowly up to the Holy site. She watches him and after about 45 minutes when he turns to leave she approaches him for an interview.
“Sir, I’m a journalist from London” she says, “how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?”
“For about 60 years” he says.
“Sixty years? That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Jews and the Muslims, I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship” he says.
“And how do you feel after doing this for sixty years?” she asked
“Like I’m talking to a brick wall” the man replies.

 

[Roger Fairclough]

Apparently, one of the things you did with a new apprentice on the canals of old was to give him a wheelbarrow and send him of to the stores for half a dozen post holes.

Roger

 

[moggy1968]

once sent a porter off to the delivery suite at the hospital for a set of fallopian tubes

 

[Shayne]

When social services turned up at my grandfathers farm wanting to know why his son had not been at school for 4 months , my grandfather explained his son had been sent by the Maths teacher up to the science class to ask for a long weight , after 15 minutes standing outside the class the joke had dawned on him and so he decided his time was better spent working on the farm . No action was taken

Send em looking for a glass hammer is a good one especially when theres 5 hardware stores within a mile of the workshop .

 

[Chris Green90]

Spirit level bubbles, sky hooks and tins of tartan paint were always favourites of mine

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

 

[Roger Fairclough]

Spirit level bubbles, sky hooks and tins of tartan paint were always favourites of mine

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

What clan?

Roger

 

[Gary820]

Box of spark plug gaps is good too, can get them going back and forth to parts quite a few times

 

[Chas]

tins of tartan paint were always favourites of mine

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

When I was an apprentice electrician I thought my leg was being pulled when one of the painters on site told me they were going to spray this wall with spotted paint, "Oh yeah pull the other one" I said, but it was true, the paint contained something that separated after spraying so the finish ended up with thousands of black spots on a cream coloured base.

 

[Shayne]

Helen just told me a good one , her and a friend were working stacking shelves in Woolworths when they were 16 , after complaining she needed new gloves her friend was sent off to get some . As she was leaving the manager called out "and don't forget some elbow grease while your at it" . The girl arrived back over an hour later having visited every shop in the high street and was absolutely fuming with rage because in the very last shop a little old man was kind enough to explain what elbow grease actually meant . She quit in outrage

 

[Iwan]

When at work we get a new apprentice who thinks he's a hardman! We tell him that its really hard to lift a full bag of plaster over your head and ask "How many times can you lift that to full reach above yout head?"
He says "No problem I can do that 20 times!"
We say "Go on then!"
As he foolishly does it, my mate slashes the bag and another throws a bucket of water over him!
That is so funny! Lol

 

[Chas]

That is so funny! Lol

Not so funny if he gets it in his eyes.

 

[Roger Fairclough]

When at work we get a new apprentice who thinks he's a hardman! We tell him that its really hard to lift a full bag of plaster over your head and ask "How many times can you lift that to full reach above yout head?"
He says "No problem I can do that 20 times!"
We say "Go on then!"
As he foolishly does it, my mate slashes the bag and another throws a bucket of water over him!
That is so funny! Lol

Some years ago a couple of mechanics played a trick on a new apprentice. They shoved an air blast pistol up his arse and pulled the trigger.

Would you consider that to be funny?

Oh, by the way, the kid died from a ruptured gut.

Roger