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Good one
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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Chas
Well-Known Member
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"
Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
With a 7 year old daughter, Chas, I'm not so sure that is funny...
The best that the VW PR department could come up with under the circumstances.…
Chas
Well-Known Member
Chas
Well-Known Member
Just to please my wife I've had tattoos done on both of my upper thighs, on the left it's George Clooney and on the right it's Johnny Depp.
I asked her if she could recognise who they were.
She said she couldn't be certain, but she was sure that the one in the middle looked just like Andrew Lloyd Webber........
I asked her if she could recognise who they were.
She said she couldn't be certain, but she was sure that the one in the middle looked just like Andrew Lloyd Webber........
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Chas
Well-Known Member
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. T
he grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
... At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley.
Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. T
he grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
... At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley.
Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
The boss arrives in his secretary's office in a rush, with a few papers in his hands. He stops in front of the shredder, looks at it, puzzled, and asks:
"Sarah, where is the damn switch?"
"There's no switch, Sir, you just put the papers in the slot..."
Hurriedly, he sticks the paper in the machine, which starts purring. Then he asks:
"And where do I press to get three copies?"
"Sarah, where is the damn switch?"
"There's no switch, Sir, you just put the papers in the slot..."
Hurriedly, he sticks the paper in the machine, which starts purring. Then he asks:
"And where do I press to get three copies?"
borrow from facebook
THE RECTUM STRETCHER!
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...'
THE RECTUM STRETCHER!
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...'
Chas
Well-Known Member
A Swaledale Sheep farmer was out on his quad attending to his flock in a field near to his farm when suddenly a brand-new BMW raced down the lane towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The Swaledale farmer looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock a...nd calmly answered, "Aye, aye, why not"
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his iPad and connected it to a mobile phone , then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"Damn, that is correct; take one of my sheep, as I have promised you boy" said the farmer. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the farmer says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a management consultant." said the Sheep Farmer.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required boy" answers the farmer. "You turned up here although nobody bloody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already bloody knew, to a question I never bloody asked, and you don't know bugger all about my business.
Now give me back my dog!"
The Swaledale farmer looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock a...nd calmly answered, "Aye, aye, why not"
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his iPad and connected it to a mobile phone , then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"Damn, that is correct; take one of my sheep, as I have promised you boy" said the farmer. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the farmer says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a management consultant." said the Sheep Farmer.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required boy" answers the farmer. "You turned up here although nobody bloody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already bloody knew, to a question I never bloody asked, and you don't know bugger all about my business.
Now give me back my dog!"
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lol 
Chas
Well-Known Member
After the annual office party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management, and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."
"He's an ass-hole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did" Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management, and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."
"He's an ass-hole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did" Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Last edited:
Chas
Well-Known Member
My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~That's more than twice! a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask the herdsman if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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ace
