Jokes

[Chas]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue .

Doctor: "What happened to you?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. When my husband comes home drunk and I complain he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that . When your husband comes home drunk, just take a cup of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow . Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Chas

 

[Ecky Thump]

PHONE REPAIR


Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008


A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog and/or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set and dialled the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[Ecky Thump]

Next time you have a bad day at work... Think of this bloke.

Rob is a commercial saturation Diver for Global Divers in Western Australia . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Perth , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won!




Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the side of the suit. I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until, all of a sudden, my arse started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was already done. In agony, I realised what had happened.

The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.

However, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all in fits of hysterical laughter. I was then instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the Medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my arse as soon as I got into the chamber.

Yes the cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for two days because my arse was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bum.

Now repeat to yourself "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

 

[Chas]

'I Hate My Job'
Along similar lines as your worst job story Les, I admit not as bad as a jellyfish up your jacksie , but still amusing;

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER,THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

 

[Chas]

The Patch

The other day I needed to go to A & E. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.

When I went into the A & E, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DSS. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole crew got up and left, and l never got my order!

Chas

 

[Crispin]

A” Free State "Boer" walks into his local bar and to his surprise finds a
Little Japanese man sitting in his regular chair.

"Kleingat, you sommer sitting op my stoel" he angrily shouts.
Before he knows it the Jap is up and knocks the farmer flying.
After the farmer recovers he asks: "What the blerry hell was that?"

"Zat martial art from my country Japan " replies the Jap and strolls
Off in a stroppy way.

The following day the farmer finds the Jap in "his" seat again.
The farmer goes: "You is alweer sitting op my stoel" and again the Jap
Knocks the farmer out with some nifty Kung Fu.
On regaining consciousness the farmer asks: "What the blerry hell was
That?"
"Zat Karate from my country Japan" and as stroppy as ever ambles off.

Now the farmer is dik die more in.........
The next day the farmer finds the Jap sitting in "his" chair again!
"So, you is alweer sitting op my stoel. Vat So" and he knocks the
Daylights out of the Jap with one blow.
The little Jap comes around after some time and asks the farmer what
Was that?

The farmer replies: "That, my China was a bliksemse Isuzu 2.8 litre
Turbo diesel bakkie se wheelspanner......also from your country Japan ...

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

Try this one out !

http://www.esnips.com/doc/afc70fbf-414e-47df-9492-ec1631553f89/importance-of-negotiation

Nick.

 

[Chas]

A young chap from a family with a long history of Army service joined up and part of his training was to make a parachute jump.

Afterwards he was talking to his father about it, he told him when he was at the aircraft door he froze.

His father said "Son you had the family’s reputation to think of,

Did you jump?"



The son said "Dad I got to the door and froze, all I could see was this great big drop in front of me"

Father said “Our families military history was resting on your shoulders son,

Did you jump?"



“Dad I was scared to jump, that great big drop scared me shitless, and all I could think of was suppose the chute doesn’t open”

“Son you had to jump, it would have disgraced our families military history if you didn’t!

The son said, "I tried to dad, but I was scared, I could only think of hitting the ground with no chute above me"

"Son the parachutes are checked thoroughly before every jump to make sure they work,

. . . Did you jump?"



The son replied “The Flight sergeant came up to me and said “If you don’t jump soldier I’m going to stick my hairy great c**k right up your arse”

“Yes, yes son” said the father,

“BUT DID YOU JUMP”

And the son said “Well just a little at first”

 

[Chas]

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
Why not?' asked the man.
Because it’s not safe,' replied the doctor.
But I need it really bad,’ said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming to visit on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'
The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good God! What happened to you?'
.
.
.
.
You know what's coming don't you?
.
.
.
.
The man said, ‘No one showed up

 

[Crispin]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,



Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

 

[Gary Stockton]

That just made my day - Thanks Crispin

 

[Chas]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[Rodger]

The Duck Is Dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

[Crispin]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.He pulls over to a toy
shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in
the display window? The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean,
Sir?We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for
$19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!
Why is the Divorced Barbie$265.95 and the others only $19.95?The
annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with:Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, AND one of Ken's Friends!

 

[Gav Peter]

One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan.

They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.

They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tire burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to do the test. The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day, they went for their test.

The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...

The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks.......





Q. 1. Which tire?

a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right

 

[Chas]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

But

1) you have to be single and

2) you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'


The nun says, 'That's OK. " My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party".

 

[Ecky Thump]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked.


"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

 

[Chas]

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"We do not waste anything there either," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"

 

[Gary Stockton]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'  

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

 

[Chas]

A Man Owned A Small Farm In Devon.
The Devon Labour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.
' Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer