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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete,he said: "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied,"you're just lazy."
"Okay,"said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied,"you're just lazy."
"Okay,"said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
A dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says,
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"
"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says,
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"
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Late one Friday night the policemen spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.
And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.
Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o'course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know.
Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his half empty bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said,"Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.
And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.
Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o'course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know.
Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his half empty bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said,"Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
Bungarra
Active Member
- Joined
- Nov 4, 2012
- Messages
- 77
- Country Flag
Monica Lewinsky Update:
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, naked, in a mirror... remembering her time with Bill Clinton.
Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help... "God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you" she prayed.
& just like that, her ears fell off!
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, naked, in a mirror... remembering her time with Bill Clinton.
Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help... "God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you" she prayed.
& just like that, her ears fell off!
Police: Where do you live?
Smart*rse Youth: With my parents
Police: Where do your parents live?
Youth: With me
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbours house
Police: Where is your neighbours house?
Me: If I tell you, you wont believe me
Police: Tell me anyway
Me: Next to my house
Smart*rse Youth: With my parents
Police: Where do your parents live?
Youth: With me
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbours house
Police: Where is your neighbours house?
Me: If I tell you, you wont believe me
Police: Tell me anyway
Me: Next to my house
One day,a man is hit by a truck on his way to work and dies on the scene.
When he wakes up, he is standing in front of the gates to Heaven and St.Peter is by his side.
"Welcome to Heaven" say St. Peter, "Sorry about your accident, but you will now enjoy all that Heaven has to offer". St. Peter proceeds to give him a tour of Heaven, when the man hears this beautiful orchestral music playing.
St. Peter sees that the man is interested and says: "That is Mozart working on his latest masterpiece." The man is stunned that Mozart is still making music.
They continue the tour when the man hears to most amazing jazz trumpeter.
Once again, St. Peter satisfies the mans curiosity and says that the trumpeter is actually Miles Davis. The man is astonished, seeing both Mozart and Miles Davis.
They proceed walking when finally the man hears a guitar wailing away playing"Voodoo Chile".
The man stops and ask "Is that who I think it is?"
St. Peter replies "No, that's God, he just thinks he's Jimi Hendrix.
When he wakes up, he is standing in front of the gates to Heaven and St.Peter is by his side.
"Welcome to Heaven" say St. Peter, "Sorry about your accident, but you will now enjoy all that Heaven has to offer". St. Peter proceeds to give him a tour of Heaven, when the man hears this beautiful orchestral music playing.
St. Peter sees that the man is interested and says: "That is Mozart working on his latest masterpiece." The man is stunned that Mozart is still making music.
They continue the tour when the man hears to most amazing jazz trumpeter.
Once again, St. Peter satisfies the mans curiosity and says that the trumpeter is actually Miles Davis. The man is astonished, seeing both Mozart and Miles Davis.
They proceed walking when finally the man hears a guitar wailing away playing"Voodoo Chile".
The man stops and ask "Is that who I think it is?"
St. Peter replies "No, that's God, he just thinks he's Jimi Hendrix.
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A recently married 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up a walking cane instead of his gun.."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
A rabbit hops into a pub and says to the barman “Can I have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie”
The barman is amazed, but serves the rabbit with a beer and toastie.
The rabbit drinks his beer and eats the toastie and leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and orders a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the bar (word has got around) gives the rabbit a pint and toastie.
The next night the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says “Can I have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please?” the crowd bursts into applause as the rabbit downs his pint and eats the toastie.
The next night it’s standing room only in the bar, coach loads have arrived to see this rabbit, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says “A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie please” The barman says I’m sorry rabbit old mate, old mucker we are right out of ham and cheese toasties.
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman says “We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie”
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says “Do you think I will like it?”
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman says “Do you think I would let down one of my best customers? I know you’ll love it”
The rabbit says “OK, I’ll have a cheese and onion toastie”
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs his beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the gathered crowd . . . never to return!
A year later, in the now impoverished pub, the barman (who has served only five drinks tonight, three of which were his own) calls time. As he is cleaning down the now empty bar he sees a small white form floating over it.
“Who are you” he asks, “I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house” comes the reply.
“I remember you” exclaims the barman “You made my pub famous, you would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. masses would come to see you and this place became famous”
“I remember on your last night here we didn’t have any ham and cheese toasties so you had a cheese and onion one instead”
“Yes I know” said the rabbit “And you said I’d love it”
“But you never came back” laments the barman “What happened?”
“I died” said the rabbit
“No! what from?” said the barman.
after a short pause the rabbit replies accusingly “Mixin-me-toasties”
The barman is amazed, but serves the rabbit with a beer and toastie.
The rabbit drinks his beer and eats the toastie and leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and orders a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the bar (word has got around) gives the rabbit a pint and toastie.
The next night the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says “Can I have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please?” the crowd bursts into applause as the rabbit downs his pint and eats the toastie.
The next night it’s standing room only in the bar, coach loads have arrived to see this rabbit, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says “A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie please” The barman says I’m sorry rabbit old mate, old mucker we are right out of ham and cheese toasties.
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman says “We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie”
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says “Do you think I will like it?”
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman says “Do you think I would let down one of my best customers? I know you’ll love it”
The rabbit says “OK, I’ll have a cheese and onion toastie”
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs his beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the gathered crowd . . . never to return!
A year later, in the now impoverished pub, the barman (who has served only five drinks tonight, three of which were his own) calls time. As he is cleaning down the now empty bar he sees a small white form floating over it.
“Who are you” he asks, “I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house” comes the reply.
“I remember you” exclaims the barman “You made my pub famous, you would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. masses would come to see you and this place became famous”
“I remember on your last night here we didn’t have any ham and cheese toasties so you had a cheese and onion one instead”
“Yes I know” said the rabbit “And you said I’d love it”
“But you never came back” laments the barman “What happened?”
“I died” said the rabbit
“No! what from?” said the barman.
after a short pause the rabbit replies accusingly “Mixin-me-toasties”
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Two farmers, Jim and Mick, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking whiskey.
Jim turns to Mick and says, "You know Mick, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."
Mick thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
...
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes; Maths , English, Irish and Logic.
..."Logic?" Jim says. "Whats that?"
The dean says "I'll give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?"
"Yes" said Jim.
"Then logically speaking , because you own a lawnmower, I think that you would have a garden."
"Thats true, I do have a garden"
"That's not all" said the Dean. "Because you have a garden, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes I do have a house."
"And because you have a house , I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a Family."
"Im not done yet, because you have a family, then you must have a wife and because you have a wife , then logic tells me you must be heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. Thats amazing, you were able to find out all that because I own a lawnmower."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Deans hand and leaves to go meet Mick at the bar . He tells him about how he is signed up for Maths, English, Irish and Logic.
"Logic?" said Mick. "what's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?"
"No."
"Then you're a poof"
Jim turns to Mick and says, "You know Mick, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."
Mick thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
...
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes; Maths , English, Irish and Logic.
..."Logic?" Jim says. "Whats that?"
The dean says "I'll give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?"
"Yes" said Jim.
"Then logically speaking , because you own a lawnmower, I think that you would have a garden."
"Thats true, I do have a garden"
"That's not all" said the Dean. "Because you have a garden, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes I do have a house."
"And because you have a house , I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a Family."
"Im not done yet, because you have a family, then you must have a wife and because you have a wife , then logic tells me you must be heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. Thats amazing, you were able to find out all that because I own a lawnmower."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Deans hand and leaves to go meet Mick at the bar . He tells him about how he is signed up for Maths, English, Irish and Logic.
"Logic?" said Mick. "what's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?"
"No."
"Then you're a poof"
In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die," whispered the priest.
"I’ll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.
... The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.
Soon word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick, "I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images."
Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took David’s hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
The old priest slowly said, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said David
"Amen," said Nick
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying, thieving bastards; and I would like to do the same...."
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die," whispered the priest.
"I’ll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.
... The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.
Soon word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick, "I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images."
Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took David’s hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
The old priest slowly said, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said David
"Amen," said Nick
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying, thieving bastards; and I would like to do the same...."
Electrickery indeed ...
With thanks to LCCSA
With thanks to LCCSA
Margret Thatcher is walking down the street in London when she comes across a man with a board hanging round his neck saying " Falklans veteran " so she takes £ 20 out of her handbag & gives it to the man who replies.
Muchas grasious.
Muchas grasious.
GIRL: Hello
BOY: My love how are you doing?
GIRL: I'm fine.
BOY: Will you be free this weekend? Can you come to my house?
GIRL: I'm so sorry, I can't make it because I will be attending my aunts wedding and the next day I'll be busy, I'm so I guess I'm occupied.
BOY: Oh OK, I was just planning to take you out shopping, surprise you with that iPhone 5 you've been asking for, then buy you a new dress and the Brazilian hair ...
GIRL: REALLY? I will be coming and may even spend the whole weekend there if you want my love.
BOY: What about the wedding?
GIRL: What wedding? I was joking...
BOY: Really? Me too...
BOY: My love how are you doing?
GIRL: I'm fine.
BOY: Will you be free this weekend? Can you come to my house?
GIRL: I'm so sorry, I can't make it because I will be attending my aunts wedding and the next day I'll be busy, I'm so I guess I'm occupied.
BOY: Oh OK, I was just planning to take you out shopping, surprise you with that iPhone 5 you've been asking for, then buy you a new dress and the Brazilian hair ...
GIRL: REALLY? I will be coming and may even spend the whole weekend there if you want my love.
BOY: What about the wedding?
GIRL: What wedding? I was joking...
BOY: Really? Me too...
