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- Nov 19, 2010
- Messages
- 5,911
- Country Flag
Its a old one but still a goodie!!!http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=113175945557703&set=vb.197034150437260&type=2&theater
Andy
Andy
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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
One by one the managers of a company were called into the office of the CEO until only the newest most junior manager was left sitting nervously outside.
Finally, it was his turn to be summoned. He walked into the office to find the CEO and the twelve senior managers seated solemnly around a polished oak table.
Addressing the junior manager, the CEO asked "Young man, have you ever slept with Miss Whittock, the company secretary?"
"What? Certainly not!"
"Are you absolutely sure? The CEO persisted.
"Absolutely. I swear I have never laid one finger on her."
"And you would swear that on the bible?"
"Yes, I would swear on the bible that I have never had a sexual relationship with Miss Whittock."
"Good" nodded the CEO, "Then you can fire her"
Finally, it was his turn to be summoned. He walked into the office to find the CEO and the twelve senior managers seated solemnly around a polished oak table.
Addressing the junior manager, the CEO asked "Young man, have you ever slept with Miss Whittock, the company secretary?"
"What? Certainly not!"
"Are you absolutely sure? The CEO persisted.
"Absolutely. I swear I have never laid one finger on her."
"And you would swear that on the bible?"
"Yes, I would swear on the bible that I have never had a sexual relationship with Miss Whittock."
"Good" nodded the CEO, "Then you can fire her"
Turn it Around
Couldn't resist posting this link <iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/AabCGcnQ-Ac?feature=player_detailpage" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> when I saw it...
Couldn't resist posting this link <iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/AabCGcnQ-Ac?feature=player_detailpage" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> when I saw it...
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On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy............"It's a puppy!"
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy............"It's a puppy!"
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two bin
bags behind her. One of the bags was torn and every now and again a £20
note fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, there are £20
notes falling out of your bag."
"Oh, dear!" said the little old lady. "I ' d better go back and
see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the policeman. Where did you get
all that money? You didn ' t steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is
right next to a Golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a
knot hole in my fence, right into my flower beds. It used to really
make me mad. It kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ' why not
make the best of it?
So now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole with my hedge
clippers. Every time someone sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ' O.K., give me £20, or off it
comes. '
"Well, that seems only fair," said the policeman, laughing. "OK.
Good luck then"!
Oh, by the way, what ' s in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
bags behind her. One of the bags was torn and every now and again a £20
note fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, there are £20
notes falling out of your bag."
"Oh, dear!" said the little old lady. "I ' d better go back and
see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the policeman. Where did you get
all that money? You didn ' t steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is
right next to a Golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a
knot hole in my fence, right into my flower beds. It used to really
make me mad. It kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ' why not
make the best of it?
So now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole with my hedge
clippers. Every time someone sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ' O.K., give me £20, or off it
comes. '
"Well, that seems only fair," said the policeman, laughing. "OK.
Good luck then"!
Oh, by the way, what ' s in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is in the kitchen."
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is in the kitchen."
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TEST FOR ALCOHOLISM
I am not an alcoholic according to the test results.!!!!
I have been concerned about a few of you so when i saw this test, I thought I should post it up here...
Simple alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your computer.
If you saw the bar sign, you are an alcoholic
I am not an alcoholic according to the test results.!!!!
I have been concerned about a few of you so when i saw this test, I thought I should post it up here...
Simple alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your computer.
If you saw the bar sign, you are an alcoholic
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
Teetotal me..
How about telling us a joke now and again, instead of just laughing, that is what this thread is for.
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Did you not say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'? asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'Let him continue, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorcycle turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the f**k would you say?
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Did you not say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'? asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'Let him continue, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorcycle turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the f**k would you say?
Nice one Chas... and bravo Annamarie, 10/10 
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course and was nearby, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It’s Paul, and I’m OK thanks," I replied.
"Paul, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted..
She was very pretty and very persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host. Then I repeated, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said....
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course and was nearby, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It’s Paul, and I’m OK thanks," I replied.
"Paul, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted..
She was very pretty and very persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host. Then I repeated, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said....
One of my m8's now living in America sent me this the other day and I thought it would tickle a few on here 
Duz tha speak Yorkshire?
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Duz tha speak Yorkshire?
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Last edited:
Chris Green90
Well-Known Member
Got stopped by the old bill today. The copper asked if I had a police record.
I said yeah, walking on the moon
I said yeah, walking on the moon
Leopard
Member
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2012
- Messages
- 163
- Country Flag
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
The Family tree of Vincent Van Gogh
The brother who ate prunes---- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stop 'N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----- U Gogh
His magician uncle ----- Where diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ----- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------ Wells far Gogh
The constipated uncle ----- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------ Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ------ Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ----- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ---- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----- Go Gogh
His niece who travels the country in an RV ----- Winnie Bay Gogh
I see you smiling . . . . there ya Gogh!
The brother who ate prunes---- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stop 'N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----- U Gogh
His magician uncle ----- Where diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ----- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------ Wells far Gogh
The constipated uncle ----- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------ Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ------ Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ----- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ---- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----- Go Gogh
His niece who travels the country in an RV ----- Winnie Bay Gogh
I see you smiling . . . . there ya Gogh!
