Jokes

[jonnyboy54321]

Subject: Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller:

"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said:

"Fluctuations."



The Asian lady says:

"Fluc you white people too"

 

[Bungarra]

“Hi, I’m Jane” she said.

"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"
"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.
"You just have to ask me nicely" he replied.

 

[Chas]

Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes, I'm my wife's sexual adviser."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

Very simple. My wife told me that when she wants my f***ing advice, she'll ask for it.

 

[Chas]

Farmer Paddy was shocked when the Vet told him all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

 

[Blown80]

The Policeman upon his horse looks down on the little girl on her bike and says "Nice bike you got there, did Santa get you that?". "Yes!" She replies.
"Well tell Santa to put a reflector on it next year" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says "Nice horse you got there, did Santa bring you that too?"
The Policeman chuckles and replies "He sure did!"
"Well" says the little girl "next year tell Santa the feckin D1ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

 

[Blown80]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."


Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.


When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."


He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.


As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"


Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"


Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."


Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."



Edit:
Apologies in advance if any repeats. Been a while since I read them all. Short term memory has its pros and cons.
At least I wake up to a new woman every morning.

 

[Chas]

No, I don't think that one has been posted before, it's a cracker.

 

[clivehorridge]

No, I don't think that one has been posted before, it's a cracker.

New to me too!

Excellent!

 

[joinerman]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[clivehorridge]

Too true!

 

[Bungarra]

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.

The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.

One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.

There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.

“Tommy, why do you look so sad?” asked the teacher.

Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar.”

The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued.

“Sometimes, he doesn’t come home, and my Mummy sits crying.​

Sometimes, he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”

There were gasps around the classroom.​

The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.

She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”

“No, not at all Miss. He really plays cricket for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.”​

 

[Blown80]

 

[Chas]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 7 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seven people? That's very good. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this O O . Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy."And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

“Well, I used the same diagram,” the guy says. “But I drew the two circles like this O O Then I pointed to the little circle and said,‘This is your arsehole before prison…...’

 

[froggy Steve]

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.

The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.

One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.

There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.

“Tommy, why do you look so sad?” asked the teacher.

Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar.”

The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued.

“Sometimes, he doesn’t come home, and my Mummy sits crying.
Sometimes, he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”

There were gasps around the classroom.
The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.

She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”

“No, not at all Miss. He really plays cricket for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.”



​

good one!

 

[Chas]

Two fleas sat on a wall at Skegness, one is sat shivering. His mate says “What’s up with you”,
“I am fecking freezing” his mate replied
“Well how did you get here” his mate says,
“I came in some blokes tash down the motorway on a motorbike”
His mate says “That’s no good you wanna do what I did, get down a ladies nickers among the pubic hairs where it's nice and warm”
“Good idea, I will do that next time”
The week after they are back in Skeggy sat on a wall. His mate is sat shivering again.
“Did you not do what I told you and got down a ladies knickers in the pubes where it's lovely and warm”?
“Yes I did, but when I woke up this morning, I was back in some bloke’s tash on a motorbike”

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Andrew B. Pratt]

If a man is allowed to select a girl
from 90 girls
and
Even if most beautiful is picked,

There's still the pain of losing
the remaining EIGHTY NINE....

 

[Blown80]

Chas......been patiently waiting for some more funnies.....

 

[Chas]

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Nipples..."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

 

[Blown80]

Thank you Chas. Best elephant joke I've read for a bit.