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Jokes

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband:-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector:-What is her height?
Husband:-I never checked.
Inspector:-Slim or healthy?
Husband:-Not slim can be healthy.
Inspector:-Colour of eyes?
Husband:-Never noticed.
Inspector:-Colour of hair?
Husband:-Changes according to season.
Inspector:-What was she wearing?
Husband:-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector:-Was she driving?
Husband:-yes.
Inspector:-tell me the number, name & colour of the car?
Husband:-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door and... The husband started crying...
Inspector:-Don't worry sir. We will find your car.
 
The Hotel Bill:

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked... out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an Overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center, which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, This check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


(Don't mess with Senior Citizens!)
 
:icon-biggrin:
 

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."...

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
 
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Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot
says "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let
us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even
with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes
and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick
 
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A Jewish man was walking through the theatre area in New York when he saw a flashing neon sign outside one theatre which said,

Come and see Herschel the amazing Jew.

So intrigued, he went in, got seated, the compere then announced Herschel to the audience, and this slight man entered from the wings draped in a cloak, he stood downstage and opened his cloak to an dumbfounded audience, he was totally naked with the biggest schlong you've ever seen.
He placed three walnuts on a small table and taking his manhood in his hands proceeded to whack the nuts to smithereens.
After the show the Jewish man went back to his hotel in amazement.
30 years later he was in New York again and again saw this sign outside the same theatre and once again went in.
The same routine went on but this time Herschel placed, instead of walnuts, three coconuts on the table and taking his manhood in his hands again he smashed the coconuts, one, two, three, the Jewish chap was astonished and after the show went to the stage door and asked if he could speak to Herschel explaining he had seen him before at this theatre 30 years ago.
He got to speak to Herschel and asked I saw you smash the walnuts 30 years ago, but why the coconuts now?
Herschel answered "Well, my eyesight is not what it was"
 
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Is we kin??

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
 
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and tap shis wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
 
Northern Ireland Girls...


Three men sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
Terry the first man had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.

He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

James the second man had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

Joe the third man said that he had married a Northern Ireland girl.

He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,

but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye.
Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper
 
An old man in Oz owned a large farm. He thought an orchard would be nice so he planted apple trees and peach trees beside a large pond, it served as a nice place for bathing, so the farmer put a number of picnic tables by the edge of the pond.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the orchard and collect some fruit. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to collect the fruit in.
When he got near to the pond, he heard womens voices and laughter. Coming closer, he saw that it was a few young women skinny dipping in the pond.
They saw the old man and dived into the water. One of the women shouted to him: "We don't come out until you leave!" the old man frowned, "I didn't come here to see you naked. Holding up the bucket, he said: "I came to feed the crocodiles"

You may get old but you don't get stupid.:eusa-naughty:
 
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can stay mounted for.


A.
 
AndycruiserguyLomas said:
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can stay mounted for.


A.
Click to expand...

Or say "Your sister was much better than this" :dance:
 
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van pulled up beside me at the lights. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
 
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car
pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10and a
packet of sweets."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the
car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two packets ofsweets?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road."Ok,"
he says. "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the
sweets you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.
"Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned
Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"
Click to expand...

someone at work sent it to me :(
 
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