Jokes

[Chas]

During their holiday and while they were visiting Holy City, Jerusalem, Dennis’ mother- in- law had a heart attack and died.

With death certificates in hand, Dennis went to the British Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the city for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Dennis that the sending of a body back to the city for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as ten thousands dollars.

The Consul continues to explain, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost a hundred and fifty dollars.

Dennis thinks about it for a few seconds and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”

The Consul, after hearing this sentence, says, “You really must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price.”

“No, that’s not the reason,” replies Dennis. “You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Holy City. On the fourth day he came back from the dead!

I just can’t take the risk.

 

[flint]

Here's an oldie.
Emergency services were called to an incident yesterday. Two men were involved, one had drunk battery acid and the other had swallowed a firework. The police charged one and let the other one off.

 

[Chas]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were all talking one day. The redhead says, Oh my gosh, I went in my daughters room the other day and I found some weed. I can't believe she smokes that stuff.

Then the brunette says, I found a fake I.D. in my daughters purse. I can't believe she has a fake I.D.

Yeah, the blonde says. I found a condom in my daughters purse.

I just can't believe my daughter has a penis.

 

[Chas]

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next health checkup, her new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

Yes, they help me sleep at night.

Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!

She reached out and patted the young Doctors knee. Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, that helps me sleep at night.

 

[Chas]

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says:

You see that man over there?, He looks just like me!, I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him.

So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder.

Excuse me sir he says, but I noticed you look just like me!

The second man turns around and says:

Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?

I'm from Dublin came the reply.

Me too! What street do you live on?

McCarthy street

The second man replies, Me too! What number is it?,

162 the first man replies.

Me too! What are your parents names?

Connor and Shannon

The second man, almost dumbfounded says,

Mine too! This is unbelievable!

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks:

Anything new today?

Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again as usual

 

[Chas]

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. You might want to write it down, she said. The husband said, No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. Write it down, she told him, and again he said, No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. Write it down, she told her husband and again he said, No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, Where's the toast?

 

[clivehorridge]

Excellent Chas

 

[Chas]

There was once an ageing actor, who had trouble remembering his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is a most important part, and it has only one line. You will walk onto the stage carrying a red rose.
You will hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then you will say the line… ‘Ahh, the fragrance of my mistress.'”

The actor is getting excited. All day long before curtain up he’s practicing his line, over and over again. Finally it was show time..

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line;

“Ahh, the fragrance of my mistress”.

The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter… and the director was in fits! “You idiot!” he cried, “You have ruined the show!”

The actor, quite bewildered, asked, “What happened, did I forget my line?” he asked.

“No!” the director screamed…. “You forgot the bloody rose!”

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A young girl started work in the village chemist (pharmacy) shop. she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be used."
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "950".
The girl panicked. She went to the back and phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Have a look and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes!" she said, "He's got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him £9.50, he's the window cleaner."

 

[Chas]

A lawyer was discussing with the family of a recently deceased millionaire the reading of the will.

‘To my loving wife, Abby, who always stood by me, I leave the house, yacht and three millions dollars,’ the attorney reads.

‘To my darling daughter, Kimberley, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the special car collection, the business and 2 million dollars.’

‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin David, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.

Well, you were wrong. Hi Dave!

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

I felt so disappointed when my daughter told me this joke ..

:O

why do women wear underwear with flowers on them? To pay respects to the faces that were buried there

I thought she was so sweet and innocent.

 

[Chas]

Visiting her after a long time, Jesse visits his old aunt . As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

“Mind if I have a few?” Jesse asks.

“No, not at all!” the old woman replied.

They talked about health of the old woman for half an hour and, as Jesse stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

“I’m really sorry for eating all your peanuts auntie. I really just meant to eat a few.”

“Oh, that’s all right,” his aunt says. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”

 

[Chas]

Watching the telly when the phone rang, it's usually one of the wife's friends so I let her answer it, she'll be on the phone for over an hour sometimes, this time she was only about 20 mins, I said how come you were so quick? she said it was a wrong number.

 

[notsodusty]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.

' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom..

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

Fuming, he turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

I have a picture of a bunch of jockeys blowing kisses to each other.

It's the Four Horseman of the Pucker Lips!

 

[Chas]

I have a picture of a bunch of jockeys blowing kisses to each other.

It's the Four Horseman of the Pucker Lips!

Oh that made I larf

 

[Chas]

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.

Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off.

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus.

 

[Chas]

An attractive young woman, with a very weak baby, goes to doctor for control.
The doctor examines the baby:
-This kid is not getting enough nourishment.
And turning to the woman:
-Take off your clothes please, he says.
After the woman was stripped, he, much to the woman's delight, checked her breasts thoroughly,
The Doctor -It’s exactly what I’m guessing. You do not have any milk.
Woman -Don’t worry, Doctor, I’m the child’s aunt . . . . . but thanks for the examination!

 

[Chas]

I don't know why people are moaning about the shops selling easter stuff early.
I've just been to Tesco, they're selling cards & birthday cakes and mine isn't until October!

 

[Chas]

If someone gets shot by a starting pistol, is it race related?

_________________________________________________________

While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

...
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."