Jokes

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

I just saw a homeless man dressed as King Henry VIII which is crazy. Everyone knows beggars can't be Tudors!

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

In a computer store.

A fat bespectacled man in blue overalls enters.

A small man in a brown coat looks up from behind the counter and raises a quizzical eyebrow.

The fat man clears his throat. ‘Four Kindles...’

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

"The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided."

"Sniffer dogs?"

"No, I usually just say good morning to her".

 

[Chas]

Union bosses are blaming Brexit as Honda plans to shut down its Swindon plant in 2022.

Swindon's MP Justin Tomlinson insisted the decision was not down to Britain's departure from the EU and Honda are leaving by their own Accord

Is this a Prelude, or have they just Jazzed up the news?

 

[Chas]

Shamima Begun has been like the World Cup to England.... it's brought everyone together but she's not coming home.

 

[Chas]

I was stopped by a policeman earlier tonight.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was just trying to keep up with traffic," I replied

...
He said, "There is no traffic."

I answered, "That's how far behind I am."

 

[Chas]

I read this in an article about Donald Trump, my trousers are now drying

"If being a twat was a TV show, Trump would be the boxed set."

 

[Chas]

When a recipe tells you to separate two eggs, how far is acceptable? I've just put one on a train to Leeds.

 

[Chas]

My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters.... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

 

[Chas]

One of my contacts got me a part in a film about a bakery, but it's only a small roll.

 

[Chas]

Internet dating - the odds are good but the goods are odd

 

[Chas]

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist...

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through"...

A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor"...?

...
I said, "No, that's my fecking Pizza

 

[Chas]

The Pope is very early for his flight, so he asks his driver on his way to the airport if he would let him drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the Pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the Pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

...
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the Pope's his driver."

 

[Chas]

A man walked into a bar with a Jack Russell dog and ordered a pint. The landlord told him no dogs were allowed in the pub.
On his way out he noticed a man entering with a Labrador. He thought 'I'll see what treatment he gets". The man asks for a drink and is told that no dogs are allowed in the pub. He tells the landlord that it's a guide dog. He's let off and gets a drink. The man with the Jack Russell goes to the bar again and is told no dogs are allowed. He says" it's a guide dog."
Landlord says "don't give me that...guide dogs are either Alsatians or Labradors"
The man says "what did they given me then?"

 

[Chas]

I’ve found marriage to be very educational. For example, I had no idea there was a wrong way to put milk in the fridge.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

"Glass Coffins?

Will they be popular??

Remains to be seen.

 

[flint]

A hearse was struggling to get up a steep hill. Just as it passes a chemists shop the back door flies open and the contents shoot off down the hill. One of the undertakers runs into the shop and asks “have you got anything to stop me coffin ?”.

 

[Chas]

I knew someone who went to a brothel and the woman charged him a fiver.
The next day he went back and said “Oi, You gave me crabs!”
She said “What did you expect for a fiver! Lobsters?”

 

[Chas]

The police knocked on my door this evening.
"Where were you around 8:05 last night sir?" asked the officer.
"Funny you should ask that," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8 pm to make love."
"Yes officer, that's true," my wife shouted over, "But fuck knows where he was at five past."

 

[Chas]

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