Don't like the adverts?  Click here to remove them

Jokes

A vicar has been confirmed as the first death in america from injecting disinfectant!
President Trump has been arrested for Bleaching The Priest
 
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,

"Do you want the winner of the next race?"

Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."
 
I saw this bloke chatting up a female cheetah. I thought: "He's pulling a fast one."
 
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
 
Don't like the adverts?  Click here to remove them
A man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry
policeman informs family
"There's no easy way to say this"..
 
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He reads lips!
 
Paddy says to Murphy 3 cliff walkers fell to there death while hiking the Alps yesterday , Murphy replies unbelievable they all had the same name !
 
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Hey mate, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife..
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
 
A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on I-40 about 2 miles south of Raleigh. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Dunn. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
 
I had some food thrown at me once.
I was riding a racehorse, was in second place and easily chasing down the horse in first place.
Suddenly the jockey in front threw a turkey leg at me. This was followed by a bottle of champagne and two glasses and finally a picnic basket.
Finished second but the stewards awarded me the race after agreeing unanimously that I’d been hampered in the final furlong….
 
For all those out there, who say we are not born with a gender, this should clear it up. The chromosomes are:-
XX=Female
XY=Male
YYY=Delilah.
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?"

The duck asks again. “With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?
 
Living off-road - Take your home along....lol
 

Attachments

  • 105973432_3091636664231411_2732770692651989832_o.png
    105973432_3091636664231411_2732770692651989832_o.png
    529.2 KB · Views: 38
A very wealthy man in poor health decides he wants to take his money with him when he dies so he goes to a Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi thinking they will be honourable men and will comply with his wishes
He says to them "I will split all money into three equal parts and I would like you to put it into my coffin before it is interred" and they said of course we will.

So eventually he died and after the funeral these holy men are together discussing the event and the Priest said to the Minister "Did you put all the money in?" and the Minister said "Well, I kept some back because I need to look after my flock as best I can and our boiler had broken down and it was so cold in our meeting hall no one was coming to the services, how about you did you put all the money in?" and the Priest said "No I didn't, our church roof was leaking and needed repair so I only put half in"

The Rabbi was outraged saying "You are Holy men of the cloth and were trusted to obey this mans dying wish"

Both the Priest and the Minister both said "Did you put it all in then?"

And the Rabbi said "Of course I did, every penny, my own personal cheque"
 
Last edited:
Morning smile:
1f642.png

An Australian walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was simply testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well", he said, "It says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies. "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says...
"Bloody thing's running an hour fast!"
 
Back
Top