Gav missin
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- Nov 17, 2015
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- 1,302
So bad it's good
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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2010
- Messages
- 5,911
- Country Flag
As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘What in the world are you doing?’
The daughter replied: ‘Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter with a vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room. She walked up and found her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: ‘And what do you think you’re doing with that?’
The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’
The daughter replied: ‘Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter with a vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room. She walked up and found her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: ‘And what do you think you’re doing with that?’
The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received a £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received a £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
J
jibberjabber
Guest
.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
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Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day, Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?"
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.
" He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,
"No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says,
"I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico ..
Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says,
"Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews,
but no Mexican Jews."
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.
" He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,
"No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says,
"I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico ..
Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says,
"Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews,
but no Mexican Jews."
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2010
- Messages
- 5,911
- Country Flag
Just been in Morrisons. Saw a fella who’s trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!!
I called him a selfish c**t, gave him a low down about the elderly and mums etc who need these types of things. Told him he should be f*cking ashamed of himself!
He said: “that’s all good and well mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?” ....
I called him a selfish c**t, gave him a low down about the elderly and mums etc who need these types of things. Told him he should be f*cking ashamed of himself!
He said: “that’s all good and well mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?” ....
Gonna nick that Andy.
J
jibberjabber
Guest
Why did the libertarian cross the road
He didn’t. Because roads are paid with taxes and taxation is theft.
He didn’t. Because roads are paid with taxes and taxation is theft.
Towpack
Well-Known Member
My obese pet parrot died last week but to be fair it
was a weight off my shoulders.
The wife’s not at all happy I’ve replaced the bed with a trampoline, in fact she hit the roof.
I’ve started a yacht building business in the loft. Sales are going through the roof.
Someone broke into our house last night and stole my Limbo pole. How could they stoop so low!
A bloke has just driven past our house in a tractor shouting “it’s the end of the World”. I think it was Farmer Geddon.
I managed to lose the Wife’s favourite audio book last week. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I was going to attempt a round the world trip in the worlds smallest ship but in the end I bottled it.
was a weight off my shoulders.
The wife’s not at all happy I’ve replaced the bed with a trampoline, in fact she hit the roof.
I’ve started a yacht building business in the loft. Sales are going through the roof.
Someone broke into our house last night and stole my Limbo pole. How could they stoop so low!
A bloke has just driven past our house in a tractor shouting “it’s the end of the World”. I think it was Farmer Geddon.
I managed to lose the Wife’s favourite audio book last week. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I was going to attempt a round the world trip in the worlds smallest ship but in the end I bottled it.
TP, have you nicked that book off Andy Lomas?
Towpack
Well-Known Member
Heard them on the radio today. Here’s a few more. Apologies if they’ve been posted up before.
I told the wife Id built a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
A man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe shop. “Can I have a pair of flip flips please”?
The wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her the super glue instead. She’s still not speaking to me.
I saw someone stealing my neighbours gate yesterday. I didn’t say anything in case he took a fence!
The wife says she’s leaving me if a sing one more Kylie Minogue song.
I should be so lucky!
Someone keeps dumping a layer of topsoil on my allotment. The plot thickens.
There was an explosion in a cheese factory. There was deBrie everywhere!
I told the wife Id built a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
A man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe shop. “Can I have a pair of flip flips please”?
The wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her the super glue instead. She’s still not speaking to me.
I saw someone stealing my neighbours gate yesterday. I didn’t say anything in case he took a fence!
The wife says she’s leaving me if a sing one more Kylie Minogue song.
I should be so lucky!
Someone keeps dumping a layer of topsoil on my allotment. The plot thickens.
There was an explosion in a cheese factory. There was deBrie everywhere!
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- 5,911
- Country Flag
"You are accused of the theft of luxury toilet rolls. How do you plead? "
"Not quilty."
"Not quilty."
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2010
- Messages
- 5,911
- Country Flag
If you receive an e mail starting " Ding Dong" don't open it, its Jehovah's Witness's working from home !!
J
jibberjabber
Guest
What do you do if your Landy gets surrounded by a swarm of killer bees? A: Stop pushing and take refuge inside the vehicle.
