Jokes

[Chas]

An Essex woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself off Beachy Head, but just before she could throw herself from the cliff, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry"

 

[andyw]

Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife, apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one.

 

[joinerman]

My oh lost her credit card, i havn't reported it yet, whoever has it is spending less !!

 

[Chas]

The assumption song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TywmpMQY ... r_embedded

 

[Crispin]

If you watch Titanic backwards, It is a heart warming tale of a ship which jumps out of the water & saves lots of drowning people.

 

[Chas]

A little Irish Humor

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

-------------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'


-----------------------------------



A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

 

[Chas]

When our lawnmower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the long grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

An elderly couple are attending church. About halfway

through the service, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid”

 

[Annamarie]

:rotfl:

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

Question: Are there too many immigrants in Britain?

17% said Yes

11% said No

72% said “I am not understanding the question please”!



I bought my missus some crotch less knickers for Halloween. Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick !!! J



I’m starting to take this drink driving business seriously now. I left the car at the pub last night & took the bus home. Quite proud of myself really…….I’ve never driven a bus before!!



I invented a bollock exerciser – it improves your ejaculation distance. I decided to take it onto Dragons Den but they weren’t interested – it went right over their heads!!!



The BBC say that Colonel Gadaffi was found with his legs hanging out of a `big smelly hole’ screaming for mercy. A spokesman for Katie Price (aka Jordan) said that she had never even been to Libya !!!

 

[Trevor]

A Priest has an audience with the Pope and asks when is it considered to be appropriate to have sexual relations with boys.

The Pope replies that the Priest should wait until they have left school.

The Priest says, roll on 4 O' Clock

 

[Chas]

Last Saturday night we were dressed and ready to go out to a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

Because we knew we would be having a few drinks, we phoned a cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon - ' He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

 

[Chas]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

Subject: Fwd: British Humor

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Candy .
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Viva Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."





The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries

 

[Chas]

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum,
.
.
.
.
"It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

I caught my dyslexic friend putting boot polish on his dick on Saturday night, I said "you daft tw4t your supposed to turn your clock back"

 

[Chas]

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie the little darling’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.



2. Toss it in the air.

 

[Chas]

1. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist knobs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him,"Where is Pakistan?"
He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".

4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

6. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountains.
It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

Married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish,"i want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand,husband says "sorry love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me", so the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92,moral of the story:Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that faries are FEMALE.

A magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks ruined by the ships parrot,each time he performs a trick the parrot squawks "its in his pocket" or "the 4 of clubs"or "its got a false bottom",the magician really hates it,that night the ship sinks, the magician and the parrot cling to a piece of driftwood for 4 days the parrot just staring at him,finally the parrot says "ok smart arse i give up what did you do with the ship"

Paddy and Mick are watching a great dane licking his balls,Paddy turns to Mick and says "i wish i could do that" Mick said "i'd pat him first he looks like a vicious bastard"


A farmer buys a young cock as soon as he gets it home the cock rushes in and shags all the 150 hens,the farmer is well impressed at lunch time the cock shags the 150 hens again, farmer is a little bit tense now, next day he finds the cock shagging the ducks and the geese later the farmer finds the cock pale and half-dead with vultures circling over head,farmer says "you deserved it you horny bastard" the cock opens one eyepoints up and says "sssshhhh they are about to land"

Did you know 40%of people play with themselves in the shower and the other 60% prefer to sing,Do you know what songs they sing, no didn't think so.

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine,heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the job centre in Knowle West the locals are in a state of shock they had no idea they had a job centre.

Alzheimer's test
how fast can you guess these words?
1 F_ _ k

2 PU_S_E

3 S _ X

4 P_N_S

5 BOO_S

6 _ _ NDOM

ANSWERS

1 FORK

2 PULSE

3 SIX

4 PANTS

5 BOOKS

6 RANDOM

you got all 6 wrong didn't you.

 

[BIG clean GREEN]

1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'.

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'



13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,
or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b....rd!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.