Jokes

[Chas]

Hank and Jake rode up to the saloon after a hard day out on the range cattle herding to have a couple of beers, both the cowboys were all sweaty and dirty and the horses were steaming,
They tied the horses to the rail outside and Hank went round to the back of his horse and gave it a big kiss up it's ar*e.
Jake said "Why d'ya do that Hank?"
Hank said "It's 'cos I got chapped lips"
"Does that cure em?" said Jake.
"Nope" said Hank "But it sure stops me lickin 'em"

 

[Charlie]

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."

" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."

 

[nivapilot]

Apparently 1 in 5 of us live next door to a peadifile.

I don't, I live next door to two sisters, ones 12 the other 14,

ones got nice tits and the other one has a cute ass.

 

[andyw]

I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder. This really brought home to me the horror of the situation. That means three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need.

 

[Gary Stockton]

The Prostate Exam ...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,

'99'

The old guy obeys and says,

"99"

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left sideand again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,

'99"

Again, the old guy says,

'99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say,

'99'.

The old guy begins,

"One...

two…

three…"

 

[Crispin]

 

[Chas]

NAKED SANTA ----- Careful images may be distasteful


Scroll down to see the nude Santa


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For Crying out loud ......... At your age ........ There is no Santa!!

 

[Gary Stockton]

Thought for the day ...


God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they're happy ....

 

[Crushers]

The new-fangled Scottish voice-recognition elevator
[youtube:2siwchoy]5FFRoYhTJQQ[/youtube:2siwchoy]

 

[Crushers]

Proper English

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From a Teacher -- short and to the point.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement... "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

 

[Crispin]

 

[Paul]

Might have to borrow that one

 

[Chas]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Land Cruiser 80 series when he spotted a well known cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey doc, want to take a look at this?" the cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the 80, the mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, then put back in and, when I finish it works just like new." "So how is it I make only £39000 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, £1.6 million, when you and I do basically the same work" the cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running"

 

[Crispin]

in response:

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

 

[Chas]

A blonde took her car to the garage because it wasn't running well and went shopping, when she came beck all was well with the moter, she asked the mechanic how he had fixed it, and he replied "Just crap in the carburettor" and she said "How often should I do that"?

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'

 

[Chas]

A brotherhood of friars needed to restore their belfry, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds since everyone would like to buy flowers from the men of God.
A rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He phoned the shop and asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went to see them and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired a tough guy to talk some sense into them.
They ignored him.
He tried a few more with no result, so finally he hired Hugh MacTaggart,

the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
I'll get my coat

 

[Dave Docwra]

O Chas

 

[Chas]

Chat up line

An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I this is a state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody things running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?