Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
And me 
Don't like the adverts? Click here to remove them
Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
BIG clean GREEN
Well-Known Member
My Thai wife has been eating a lot of pineapples recently.
Well I'm assuming she has, because her semen tastes great.
Well I'm assuming she has, because her semen tastes great.
Annamarie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 713
LIFE -WITH-THE-ROYALS: CAMILLA'S NEW SHOES ....
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tight as the day went on. That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, one's feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But It wouldn't budge.
'Harder!' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back. 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got, ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh god, that feels so good !'
In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.'
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, 'Oh god, darling, this one's even tighter.'
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tight as the day went on. That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, one's feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But It wouldn't budge.
'Harder!' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back. 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got, ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh god, that feels so good !'
In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.'
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, 'Oh god, darling, this one's even tighter.'
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!
I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans. 
A guy called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come”
All I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line ......"
A guy called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come”
All I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line ......"
Don't like the adverts? Click here to remove them
A woman gives birth to identical twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Little old lady on trial for murder and her Defence Attorney
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2010
- Messages
- 6,052
- Country Flag
An Italian peasant’s poor old donkey died so he got another and went to market with his new donkey but his route took him under a low bridge and the ears of the new donkey touched the underneath of the bridge and it refused to go through.
So he thought I’ll carve out the bridge so his ears don’t touch and got out a hammer and chisel and started chiselling.
Just then a friend walked by and said “I’ll help you there” and started digging a trough for the donkey to walk through.
The peasant said “You fool, it’s the ears a too long, not his a bloody legs”
So he thought I’ll carve out the bridge so his ears don’t touch and got out a hammer and chisel and started chiselling.
Just then a friend walked by and said “I’ll help you there” and started digging a trough for the donkey to walk through.
The peasant said “You fool, it’s the ears a too long, not his a bloody legs”
Olazz
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2010
- Messages
- 1,428
- Country Flag
Jack Schitt
Who is Jack Schitt??
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them by saying you know about the whole family.
Who is Jack Schitt??
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them by saying you know about the whole family.
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the kind hearted Cockney that I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her."
So we walked past it again.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the kind hearted Cockney that I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her."
So we walked past it again.
A rich blond buys the New Automatic BMW X6 Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won't move at all. She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck. She then furiously calls the BMW dealer and they send out a technician to her, the technician asks: Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?? Full of anger, the blond replies: You fool, idiot man, how could you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! I use D for the Day and N for the Night...
Chris Mann
Member
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2010
- Messages
- 128
- Country Flag
I now know who Jack Schitt is!! Olazz
Olazz 
