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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Crushers
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2011
- Messages
- 499
WOMEN
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad
day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his
most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome
man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...SORRY.
I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that shit.
Never mind.......
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad
day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his
most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome
man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...SORRY.
I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that shit.
Never mind.......
Crushers
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2011
- Messages
- 499
<as an ex-JW i feel it is okay to post this one, if offensive just say so>
There was a knock on the door last week.
I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
So I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."
There was a knock on the door last week.
I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
So I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."
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Chris Green90
Well-Known Member
I wastalking top a friend about sex last night. I said to him "me and the wife f**K like rabbits." He said " Really, Thats isgusting me and the wife only f**k "Like" each other."
Secod line needs to be read like an american airhead
Secod line needs to be read like an american airhead
Olazz
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2010
- Messages
- 1,428
- Country Flag
Two businessmen in Sydney were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop…
As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other…
“I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked… “What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically… “We’re selling arse-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said
“Must be doing well… Only two left.”
Pensioners: Don’t mess with them … they maybe old, but they are not stupid.!!!
As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other…
“I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked… “What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically… “We’re selling arse-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said
“Must be doing well… Only two left.”
Pensioners: Don’t mess with them … they maybe old, but they are not stupid.!!!
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
Father O'Farrell was due to go off on his anual holidays and, as usual, the diocese sent a newly ordained priest to stand in for him.
Father O'farrell was showing the new priest around the church, explaining how he wanted things done.
The new priest mentioned to Father O'Farrell that he had concerns about taking Confessions as he had never done it before.
Father O'Farrell explained every thing to the young priest, he even left a list of penances to be given to the sinners for various degrees of sin.
The young priest quickly settled in to the routine and when Saturday came around he confidently took his place in the confessional box.
Things were going swimmingly, and then in comes Pascal!
Bless me father for I have sinned begins Pascal, then he tells the priest all about his sins. when he has finished the priest asks pascal if he has told him everything, did he have any impure thoughts? has he and his girlfriend ever engaged in sexual acts?
Pascal is silent for a moment, then he says, father, last night me and Katie Murphy had oral sex.
The young priest is stumped! Father O'Farrell has nothing on his list about oral sex, then he has an idea, he asks Pascal "what does father O'Farrell give you for oral sex?"
and Pascal says,,,,,,,
"Two packets of salt and vinegar and a curlie wurlie!"
Father O'farrell was showing the new priest around the church, explaining how he wanted things done.
The new priest mentioned to Father O'Farrell that he had concerns about taking Confessions as he had never done it before.
Father O'Farrell explained every thing to the young priest, he even left a list of penances to be given to the sinners for various degrees of sin.
The young priest quickly settled in to the routine and when Saturday came around he confidently took his place in the confessional box.
Things were going swimmingly, and then in comes Pascal!
Bless me father for I have sinned begins Pascal, then he tells the priest all about his sins. when he has finished the priest asks pascal if he has told him everything, did he have any impure thoughts? has he and his girlfriend ever engaged in sexual acts?
Pascal is silent for a moment, then he says, father, last night me and Katie Murphy had oral sex.
The young priest is stumped! Father O'Farrell has nothing on his list about oral sex, then he has an idea, he asks Pascal "what does father O'Farrell give you for oral sex?"
and Pascal says,,,,,,,
"Two packets of salt and vinegar and a curlie wurlie!"
Apple Scotland iPhone advert
Warning: contains explicit Scottish
[youtube:ym2oo2kr]SGxKhUuZ0Rc[/youtube:ym2oo2kr]
Warning: contains explicit Scottish
[youtube:ym2oo2kr]SGxKhUuZ0Rc[/youtube:ym2oo2kr]
Annamarie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 713
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher just sat down and cried.
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher just sat down and cried.
Chas
Well-Known Member
A big toothpaste manufacturing company was having an open day and a group of people were inspecting a freezer where they kept the ingredients for their product when the freezer door slammed shut behind them, they weren't able to get out for a few hours.
The newspaper headline the next day read 'Tooth company freeze a crowd'
Courtesy of Fridays Daily Mail.
The newspaper headline the next day read 'Tooth company freeze a crowd'
Courtesy of Fridays Daily Mail.
Chas
Well-Known Member
Problems with the computer......
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
____________ _____
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men often complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear’ to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional hardware. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Technical.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
____________ _____
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men often complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear’ to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional hardware. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Technical.
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,
limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many
other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable
programs such as FA Cup 5.0 and F1 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail.
--Desperate
***************************************
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0
is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED
ME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave
files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional
software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and
Lingerie 5.3
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,
limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many
other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable
programs such as FA Cup 5.0 and F1 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail.
--Desperate
***************************************
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0
is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED
ME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave
files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional
software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and
Lingerie 5.3
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
Teacher tells her class "make a sentence using the word dough" little Janet raises her hand. "in italy they make pizza using special dough". "very good" says teacher. Little mary raises her hand, "my brother makes dinosaurs out of playdough". "excellent" says teacher. Johnny raises his hand. "our mum says dad is a crap shag, so she has to use a dill dough
Chas
Well-Known Member
Clever little Larry
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"
"No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mummy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked Larry "Giving up?"
The maths teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
Larry's class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Larry, "So why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think our milkman wants to buy Mum ....."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"
"No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mummy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked Larry "Giving up?"
The maths teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
Larry's class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Larry, "So why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think our milkman wants to buy Mum ....."
Chas
Well-Known Member
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour was asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby boy, but I must warn you before you see him that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fook for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little ba5tard was going to bark!"
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby boy, but I must warn you before you see him that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fook for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little ba5tard was going to bark!"
