Jokes

[Dave Docwra]

Test your Morals

Morals test




This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand moral-wise.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



THE SITUATION: ***
You are in London .
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

** THE TEST: ***
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer...
Somehow, the man looks familiar....
You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook handed
barsteward who hates non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state!!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:
You can save the life of Abu
or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the
country's most despised, evil and powerful men!

*** NOW THE QUESTION: ***
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

[Chas]

Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty euros,' she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty euros. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute or two when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a Garda.

'What's going on here?' asks the policeman.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the policeman, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

 

[Chas]

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"
"2006," was his reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 20.40 now."

 

[Chas]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! They're complete write offs, but fortunately we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Relieved, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Women, you can't trust them

 

[Chas]

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You swine!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bloody swine!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bloody nasty little man, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"

 

[Chas]

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with young girl.
The man jumps up and says, "Honey, I can explain!"
"As I was coming home from the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no money and nowhere to go and hadn't eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.
While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't use anymore.
Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don't use anymore.

As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

 

[Chas]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced to a fiver, just then her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just had a terrible accident at work and was in a critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit. The woman told the doctor she was out shopping and to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping for the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of gateau complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then giggled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg, he's dead.
What'd you buy?"

 

[Chas]

A woman had a problem with a closet door - it was falling off every time a bus was passing by.

So she called a repair man.

The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.

At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"

Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"


I'll get my coat.

 

[Crispin]

The England rugby team visited a Soweto orphanage today: " it was heartbreaking and sad seeing their little faces without any hope" said Sipho age 6

 

[Dave Docwra]

I really enjoy watching wobbly tits. Putting whisky in the bird bath was a genius idea.

 

[Chas]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a fan heater. Just a little house warming present.

 

[Red Oktober]

A new irish priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked irish father Murphy for some advice. irish father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older irish priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The irish father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters', not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[Chas]

A man goes to his doctor.

"I have a terrible problem," says the man. "My wife's pregnant, but we haven't had sex in over a year. Is there any way that it would be medically possible for her to get pregnant?"

"Oh,yes," replies the doctor. "It's a condition we call 'grudge pregnancy'... someone has obviously had it in for you."

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.
He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. “Are you hurt?” she asks.
She replies, “Hurt? of course I’m hurt! He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”

 

[Chas]

A man walks into a bank gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line:

Did you see me Rob this bank? The customer replies ...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun points the gun and BANG!!!!!... SHOOTS HIM AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man

DID .. YOU .. SEE .. ME .. ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds . No ... BUT MY WIFE DID!!

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Chas]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike.

But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

 

[Annamarie]

 

[Dave Docwra]

A man is given a new budgie which was born in the North East, all day long the budgie kept saying "Me I am hard I was born in the North East" After several weeks of this the man finally cracked and one evening he put a sparrow hawk in the cage with the budgie, Next day he rushed into the room and found the sparrow hawk out cold on the floor of the cage, The budgie was on his perch and was saying " Me I am hard I come from the North East".
The man went out and purchased a honey buzzard which he put in the cage overnight, Next morning the same result honey buzzard out cold on the floor of the cage not a feather ruffled on the budgie who was saying " Me I am hard I come from the North East"
The man searched on the Internet and found a golden eagle for sale, This he put into the cage again overnight, Next morning he rushed into the room and found the Golden eagle flat out on the floor of the cage, but, the budgie was absolutly bare not a feather on him, what happened to you said the man,The budgie replied "you gave me a tough one last night, I had to to take my coat off".